Why does he have to be so negative about my family? Why? Why? Why?

[fridayatlast]

I need to rant. DP and I had a huge row last night and I feel awful, sad, furious, fed up ...

He is so negative about my family. He is very controlling, doesn't like me spending any time with anyone else. Very jealous.

I got invited to SIL's birthday party - a women-only girlie 'spa' day thing. I can't go, he'll just make my life a misery. He's the only one that weekend around I can ask to look after DS and, whilst he very begrudglingly said he would, I know if I go he'll be hell to live with.

Every time I try to make plans, with anyone, whether they include him or not, he is difficult. He visibly collapses when my mum rings.

We are a close family, but I don't see a lot of them. Isn't it normal for families to get together at easter/christmas/bank holidays etc??!! He has VERY stressful job and doesn't get much time at home, so I understand part of where he comes from. But it is SO hurtful that he has this reaction every time.

There, feel better now just for writing it down!

i think you need to read your post.

why are you in a reltinship wth a 2 year old?

friday
had a similar situation with my husband
didn't get on with his family so wanted nowt to do with mine
i avoided confrontation for a while by arranging to see them when he was at work, i only work part-time and he also works weekends
finally decided enough was enough and started arranging things all together, his arguement was that as he works 6 days a week he wanted time alone with me and the kids on his day off, my argument was that he had a stroke when i was pregnant with our 2nd and without our families - his and mine - i don't know how we would have coped

over 1 year on he's fine and back at work and although he still rolls his eyes at the mention of my family we do meet up regularly and he gets on much better with his too.

it's hard but i'd go on this day out and try to put yourself and son first and see your family and friends otherwise you're going to become so miserable and that'll affect all of you
good luck

he can only make your life a misery if you let him. he can be as controlling as you let him be.

Thank you dunscared and colditz. Just had a walk to and from school and feeling a bit calmer for the fresh air!

I do think you're right and that i should keep doing these things, he said last night that he wasn't stopping me seeing my family/doing stuff with them - I just shouldn't expect him to be pleased about it! I just find it hard to ignore his attitude, it's hurtful.

He seems to think I'm being selfish because we don't get a lot of time together. I actually think he's being the selfish one.

Dunscared - I feel bad because, like your h, he works really hard and gets little time at home. But similarly, my parents help out with DS at the drop of a hat and I rely on them so much (DS is Dp's stepson which I think makes a difference to how he feels - he sees it as them helping ME out with DS and not actually anything to do with him).

Must have been v hard for you with your h having a stroke, glad he's fine now.

friday
if you really do think your partner thinks of your son as nothing to do with him then think as the others have said it's time of some soul searching.

although my husband was/is a miserable sod we, the kids and i, mean the world to him and when i see them together there's no doubt.

if he'd acted the way he did but without this love for the kids it would have been a different story........

be honest with yourself and remember we're all here for you. good luck

I agree with Batters.

I have been in a similar position and believe me, it only gets worse.

If you give in to his emotional blackmail, just for a 'quiet life' you will end up with no life! No freinds, alienated family, no life of your own.

Don't give him control over YOUR life

thanks for all your replies.

Dunscared I have to explain as I don't want to portray my DP unfairly. He is a fantastic stepdad and it does warm my heart to see him with DS. I know he loves me and cares a lot for DS, and that DS and I come first for him.

It's been hard settling down as a step-family but think we're coming out the other side. He has no children of his own and think he has found it hard to adjust, but has always tried and we are much happier now.

He got upset that, as he put it, he doesn't get to go to any of DSs parent's evenings/nativity plays etc (as my ex-h goes) but I expect him to look after DS whenever I want. Whilst I kind of see his point I do think this is childish!

The whole childcare thing is down to me to sort out, which is absolutely fine with me. I work part time and have always made arrangements etc. My parents live v close and I often ask them to babysit. It just galls me that if he wants to go out of an evening (not that he ever does) he just goes, I have to ask him to look after DS if it's the other way around (and then get the silent treatment for it)!

With regard to the parent evening thing i can se his point. My partner is laso step dad to my son so he and I go to parents evening together. My ex husband also goes (if he can make the effort) but in a different time slot.

As for the nights out, this happens in our house too but i must admit i do automatically ask if it's 'ok' for me to go out and 'if he would look after dd'.
Then i feel the same as you do. Don't think our men can win sometimes, but don't tell em I said that!