How to support friend in dysfunctional and controlling relationship? *WARNING Graphic & Upsetting*

[Crushsick]

Okay so this is long and upsetting and very revealing. But I really need advice in this situation. (Names have been changed)

My friend is in a shitty relationship. They've been together on and off for a year or so. She lives the other side of the world so I have never met him. We message and video chat alot. I think she is very lonely, and due to this relationship, she has fallen out with her parents who live nearby her.

This is an example of things that happen from messages she has sent me over the past few months. I appreciate this is very fragmented but I feel like it conveys the sort of messages I have to reply to and gives a quick summary of the incidents in their relationship :

"I went to my parents Weds for dinner and had a G&T and one cig after work; that was it. I told Pete and asked him not to lose his shit with me when I got home. He was upset with me and argued before we went to bed. Then he woke me up at 2am and told me that while I was at my parents, he smoked too, having never done it and never liking it/accepting it. We argued for like two hours. Now he says he can only accept me smoking if he smokes too."

"I suppose the scariest thing is breaking up with Pete and being lonely again. That killed me last time and led to drinking a lot and hanging out with the wrong people. Or at least who could be deemed the wrong people."

"We've been fighting and arguing solidly now for 9 days. The only time it stops is when we're watching something together or we're not together. He told me today 'do what you want, as long as you think you're being the best girlfriend you can be'."

"On Monday, at lunch at mine, we were arguing and I walked away because I was becoming infuriated and I needed to calm down, he followed me and cornered me in the bathroom, wouldn't let me past, and he was shouting aggressively in my face, insulting me, saying I am a hurtful person, I don't care about anyone but myself and was a fuck up before he and I were together'."

Then this was last week:

"Monday night Pete grabbed me and tore my phone off me. I tried not to let him. Then became hysterical because he wouldn't let me go. Kept trying to force me to talk. Grabbed me and dragged me inside. I sank to the floor in the kitchen. Then scrambled to the bathroom. He followed. Wouldn't let me go. Kept on trying to keep me in his grasp. Desperation. Putting his hand over my mouth because I was screaming."

So today was the day she was going to have him leave. She planned on going to the police and getting help to remove from her home and look into a restraining order type thing. When she has split from him before he then hounded her and refused to leave her alone.

However this morning she discovered she is pregnant. She told me immediately she does not plan to become a single mum nor have an abortion. She then went on to attempt to minimise his behaviour, saying how she is responsible too and how she treats him badly also. She even said at one point 'it's not like he is day to day abusive'

My heart is breaking for her. She is miles away with little support and there is nothing I can do to physically help. I obviously want to yell and shake her 'what the fuck are you doing! Leave him. This is a huge mistake etc etc' but that wouldn't really be helpful. I don't want to her to become more isolated. Even though we can talk over Skype and messages I'm pretty certain I'm all she's got right now bar him. But at the same time I just can't bring myself to congratulate her and pretend I'm happy for her...because I'm not. Help me. Help me help her. How do I handle this. How do I be supportive without being judgemental. I'm at a loss on what to say.

I'm sorry I have no idea but didn't want to leave you unanswered. Is there anyway she'd move back to where you are? Could you offer her a place to stay while she got on her feet? Sorry that's pretty useless. Really hope someone more helpful comes along soon.

She mover there to be closer to her parents and for a fresh start. She has been in terrible relationship after terrible relationship and there was so much bad history here for her. She took the plunge and moved away for a new life and fresh beginning. The cycle of vulnerability and dickhead men has just continued.

I will most certainly make it clear to her if she ever needed or wanted it I would welcome her with wide arms! But for now she has reverted back to 'the relationship isn't that bad, I provoke it sometimes, I want to be with him, let me be happy'

Bumping

Are there relationship councellor services where she is? I'm thinking it might be hard for you to reason with her at this point, and that at the very least a councillor could help them work on their relationship to reduce the fighting or to help them see that they are not right for each other but in a safe environment. If it is possible for them to get councilling then could she ask if they can go to counseling together for the sake of being better parents?? (I've never been to a relationship councillor so don't know how effective they are, but do know that persuading people to go to counseling isn't easy)

Hmm, on second thoughts I wonder is she has told him about the pregnancy yet, and if she hasn't it I think you should probably get proffesional advice from an abuse charity if you can, to see if it is a good idea for her to even tell him about the pregnancy - I read on a poster recently that often abuse gets worse when women are pregnant.

She is seeing a counsellor. She asked him to see a counsellor. This is what happened:

"I asked him to go to counselling and he had his first session on Monday in the morning. He dredged up everything bad about me and painted an awful picture (not that I care what his counsellor thinks of me) but she was saying things like 'yes, that is not okay bheaviour' and enforcing his negativity of me. The things he was bringing up were all from the past though and he was hounding me, just saying one thing after another and putting me down. I had had a long day at work and didn't have the energy for it so I asked him to just give me some space. Not to leave the house, just to leave me. But he didn't. He carried on and then eventually I got sick of it and told him to go to his mum's and get out of my house, he said 'this is my house too, I pay', and so I got up and tried to call parent, kind of as a threat to make him realise I was being serious. I hung up though and he got up and then tried to rip my phone off me, then as previously mentioned, struggles and what not."

I know she has suggested couples counselling for them but it was hard enough for her to persuade him to go alonew as it was. To be counselling is useless for him as he doesn't accept he does anything wrong half the time. I was also under the impression that couples counselling isn't advisable when there is violence in a relationship.

I can see how heart breaking this must be for you, I suppose the danger is that it you 'tell it like it is' she may feel she has to chose between him and you, and end up choosing him.
She is already vulnerable because of previous abuse and pregnancy is likely to exacerbate that

hopefully someone with experience of this kind of thing will be able to say something more useful than I have

to see if it is a good idea for her to even tell him about the pregnancy

She plans to tell him. At the moment she believes staying with him is what she wants and they will be a happy family and he will change. So whether it's a good idea or not, she will tell him and plans to stay.

If she wasn't at his counselling session, how does she know what was discussed? Would he really come back from the session and list off all the bad things he said about her and how his counsellor responded?
As you haven't met him, is there any chance she has previously exaggerated his behaviour or do you think she is being wholly truthful?
Do you know her parents well enough to speak with them? Not about the pregnancy but more about how they view the relationship.

If she wasn't at his counselling session, how does she know what was discussed? Would he really come back from the session and list off all the bad things he said about her and how his counsellor responded?

Obviously he did.

As you haven't met him, is there any chance she has previously exaggerated his behaviour or do you think she is being wholly truthful?

I believe her.

From what I gather he has used the counselling session as a weapon against her. Something like 'Oh I told the counsellor about you drinking wine at the weekends, she said you have a problem therefore all these issues are your doing.' You know turning things around at her. Laying the blames on her and shifting the focus away from his behaviour. He is making out like she is the crazy one. Whether he actually had these conversations with his counsellor or not is kinda a red herring. It's the fact that he came home and made out to her that the counselling session made him see she is the one with the shady behaviour, that he is not to blame and it's her behaviour in the present and the past that is the issue.

Does that make sense? I've no doubt my friend has issues. She had a terrible, unstable, and abusive childhood, she is partially-sighted and has massive attachment issues. She constantly feels the need to be in a relationship. Even if it's fucking shit. I honestly don't think she realises just how bad things are and how not normal they are. It's gutting. She deserves so much better.

Whether the counsellor said those things or he's just makting it up is, as you say, irrelevant; he is using the sessions to abuse her more. He would find ways to blame her more, anyway, though. In my experience, counsellors -good ones at least - do see things which others may miss, and his will probably come to the point where he/she tries to get him to see what is happening differently and how his behaviour may be impacting on his relationship. I reckon he'll stop going at that point - unless he makes a 'mistake' and lets the counsellor see behind the mask before then.

I think there's not much you can do for your friend except be there to pick up the pieces when she needs you. Remind her of his violence maybe, as she will minimise it, and ask her if she would say/do those things to him sometimes.

Maybe point her at this thread

Is there any chance that she got pregnant on purpose, thinking that it would make him a better man? Or that it would give her someone to shower love on if he (as he almost inevitably will) dumps her?

Her relationship sounds beyond horrible and it sounds as though she knows it, but is desperate enought to have a man that any man is better than none. You never know, but having a child and having to care for another human might be the making of her - if shit boyfriend attempts to come between her and the baby, she might discover her inner strength.

Or he might force her to have an abortion to keep him. Either way, be there for her, it's going to be tough.

Zaphod yes 100% to everything you said. I think that is EXACTLY what is going on. Thank you.

I think you're too involved op. You're acting as a rescuer and its not going to achieve anything. She's a grown adult, and nobody ever left because a friend told them too. If or when she decides she does want help she can get it from the police, counselers or Wa. She knows what to do.

Having said that I know the frustration of having to listen to this. I think it's going to be worthwhile deciding what you will and won't listen to. While it's her absolute right to be in a shitty relationship, it's not her right to use you as a dumping ground for it.

If I was you I'd be pretty pissed off about those first two messages because they are really petty.Nobody needs to hear daft details about smoking related arguments. The other messages don't really make sense and its clear she's leaving out an awful lot of detail.

"Monday night Pete grabbed me and tore my phone off me. I tried not to let him. Then became hysterical because he wouldn't let me go. Kept trying to force me to talk. Grabbed me and dragged me inside. I sank to the floor in the kitchen. Then scrambled to the bathroom. He followed. Wouldn't let me go. Kept on trying to keep me in his grasp. Desperation. Putting his hand over my mouth because I was screaming."

The way this is written makes me wonder if she was trying to hurt herself. Do you ever ask her to explain further op, as in why was she outside? What was he trying to talk to her about? Why did she sink to the floor?

The reality is that you are not there so you can not possibly know for certain what is going on.

can you go and see her?

Don't understand what the poster 2 above is banging on about!

Sadly you can see it clear as day. Obviously he won't change, and the child will be at risk of being emotionally and physically hurt. Do get parents know what happens in her relationship?

There's bit much you can do but I think you owe it to her to be honest, and tell her about what you think might happen if she stays with him. And about how it's not about her any more...she has a responsibility to make sure the child is safe too. I'd be pretty blunt and firm. There no point shying away in order to protect the relationship because if you can't say it there's little value in the relationship

I was just writing a lengthy reply to RogueBiscuits post but actually I can't be bothered. If caring for my best friend having a shitty time while she is on the other side of the world, and wanting to know the best way to be supportive but honest with her makes me a 'rescuer' or 'too involved' then so fucking be it.

Thank you to posters with genuine advice. From here I will be gently honest with her but most of just try to listen to her when she needs it. I can only hope she sees sense and realises she is worth much more than this

OP: I was your friend. I am suprised how much she shares with you as for many years i wouldn't tell anyone, that says a lot to me. It says that she wants direction and help but doesn't know how to. I only started sharing more when in my head I was convinced I was actually ready to leave. They have only been together one year, a baby is going to make this a whole lot worse. I understand you are concerned about her.

I would tell her how worried you are, that you want her to be happy, but you can't of course change her mind, only she can do that. I would also urge her to take a look at "Should I stay or should I go" by Lundy Bancroft, it is not telling her she should leave, but it might help her see this is dysfunctional and not healthy for her. Most of all she needs to start to love herself to not continue to stay attached in this awful relationship.

Could you go visit her at all? I live abroad and my friends found it difficult supporting me from a distance. You are a good friend to be so supportive, when it must be difficult she cannot seem to see it herself.