Hi, I'm looking for some advice. I have it all swirling in my head atm so hope it comes out ok and is not too long.
I had a physically, mentally and emotionally abusive childhood. My second stepdad used to hit me. My mum endorsed this. My mum was wicked to me. This is one example. Her, my stepdad and younger brother went out leaving me home along about age 6 or 7. I watched The Little Mermaid on TV and at the end when she turned to foam I started to cry. It really upset me. I wondered out to the kitchen and found some fairy cakes my mum had made. I know I shouldn't but I ate the icing from the top of them. It made me feel better.
Mum comes home and discovers what I did and I can only describe what she did next as frenzied. She started shouting at me and slapping me really hard. I put my hands up and head down to try and shield me but she was just slapping anywhere she could. I begged her to stop as it was hurting but she carried on. Afterwards I got put in a corner and made to stay there for hours. If you don't mind I'm going to write another situation as it's making me feel better getting them out.
I was in the kitchen and really thirsty. I was too small to reach the taps. I went into the front room where my mum was wallpapering and asked her for a drink. Next thing I know she had picked me up and literally threw me across the room. She then picked up my brothers wooden rocking horse and threw it after me. She then shoves me down on the sofa (I knew I was only young as I was looking down at my legs and the didn't reach the end of the seat.). I was crying and she kept shouting at me to stop. I was doing that involuntary sob you do after crying and every time I sobbed she smacked me round the face and told me to stop crying.
She was vicious verbally as well as physically. There was no love, no support.
When I was 18 I moved out to another city (And ended up in a relationship with an abuser, but that's another story.) However, about 12 years ago I moved back. Things were 'ok.' On the surface we got on. I did confront her at some point about what went on and she claimed I had remembered all the bad things in my life and put them together forgetting the good. She did admit she had a vicious temper back then. That's as far as it got.
Then my mum changed. She said she worked really hard to change over about three years. We became very close although we still don't talk about what happened. She has changed, she has, and would, do anything for me. The last 10 years she has been a different person. We rely on each other emotionally and practically. She has limited mobility and I have agoraphobia and other anxiety disorders so we really do need each other.
I think she tried in a round about way to apologise last week but it just made me feel worse. She was saying that she had a lot of regrets.
This is what I have a hard time with, like tonight it happened. I obviously remember all the abuse and think, 'you did that to me,' whilst talking to her and I start to feel panicky. In my head I'm thinking all the things she did to me. On the other hand she is now a completely different person and I wouldn't cope without her, she's my rock. So how do I cope? What can I do? I've tried asking for mental health help but they won't see me at home, they insist I have to go to them but because of the agoraphobia I can't. (It's a catch 22. I've tried telling them I need to deal with the after effects of the abuse as that would stop the panic attacks and so the agoraphobia but they want to do it the other way round. 
)
I don't know what to do. I try and tell myself that it's the here and now that counts but I obviously have a lot of unexpressed anger and sadness. (Can't scream/shout it out as I live in a block of three flats with thin walls!) I also decided to forgive her (But not forget.) I get the impression her upbringing wasn't a bed of roses, she felt her father neglected and ignored her, and never stood up for her.
I don't want to bring things up with her. I don't think it will help and it will just upset her. Does anybody have any advice on what to do/how to cope/what to say to myself? Thank you for reading this, I know it is long.