Would you withhold contact at first in this situation?

[Busybecca]

I'm making plans to leave DH. He has DC from a previous relationship that he doesn't see and I'm not entirely sure he'll push for contact with our DC. If I made it easy for him, he would probably see them but I have many reservations and would appreciate your perspective.

DDs are almost 4 and almost 5. He has never looked after them alone, never taken them to bed, never taken them to school /nursery. They don't listen to a word he says and are rude and disrepectful to him. He allows this and panders to them for so long, then gets angry and shouts. The DC have accused him of hurting them on a few occasions and it recently came to light that this could be the reason he stopped seeing his first DC.

He doesn't supervise them adequately (preoccupied by his phone) and repeatedly leaves them alone with our dog despite me asking him not to and there being a recent growling incident. He has had a porn addiction in the past and I suspect has sex addiction and has tried to initiate sex when the DC were around (and awake) when they were younger and tried to get me to give him a blow job while our youngest was sleeping on my breast after feeding I worry that he would not be able to control himself around them with a new partner.

I feel awful thinking of obstructing contact because I want my girls to have a daddy, I just wish it wasn't him. In these circumstances, would you make him go to court to secure contact?

Your daughter don't have a "daddy." They have a biological father who sucks as a parent.

In those circs you have a duty to your dds to obstruct unsupervised contact- they would very clearly be at risk.I suspect SS would hold you in dim view if you didn't. Thank goodness your dds have a great mum- it makes up for not having a dad they can feel safe with.

Yes, withhold contact and push for supervised contact only in the event he does pursue it through the court. Don't get sidetracked by the father you wish your DD's had, it's the reality you have to deal with and you're right that his behaviour doesn't add up to someone fit to look after them.

If there's any chance he's going to miraculously transform into a responsible parent he will be prepared to go through the court process, accept the supervised contact, learn to be a decent father and put the work in to prove he can manage them on his own and put them first. From what you've said it's doubtful he will do any of that but the opportunity is there if he wants to take it.

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know when I say those girls' safety and wellbeing has to come first and you've seen for yourself he's not capable of providing that so you're not depriving them of a father, he is by being useless. Trust your instincts OP, they're spot on in this instance.

I just can't get over the fact that I can't trust him with them when I'm around so I definitely couldn't when I'm not. It wouldn't look good for him that he doesn't see his other DC and hasn't pursued it, surely? I don't want my DC picked up and dropped like he has to my poor SDC.

Don't blame you at all.

What would he be like looking after them if he actually took them out somewhere for a couple of hours?

I'm sure he'd be better in public because he'd be aware of people watching. It's behind closed doors I'd worry about.

Could you consider an arrangement where he picks them up, takes them to an activity and then brings them home?

Isn't that just prolonging the inevitable though if he isn't going to be capable of having them at home alone and therefore will stop seeing them? Maybe it's kinder to them to have a clean break.

Well it depends how much he is bothered really and how it affects the children of course.

As he's incapable of responsibility and has abnormal sexual boundaries the battle is going to come at some point anyway so best to set rules at the beginning. Public contact can only be enforced by court so might as well set up supervised and your dds will be used to whatever he offers within those parameters from day 1. You have my sympathy. Well done for freeing yourself and your dds.

What are you going yo do about the dog?

I'm keeping the dog.