Brother's girlfriend rude about my mum

[DaisyTurtle]

I have been finding it harder and harder to like my brother (26)'s girlfriend. Initially she was lovely but she has become increasingly opinionated.
She picked up early on that my mum is a single mum (happy alone/never found anyone else) who has a full-on job and fairly limited (but not abnormal for her age/job etc) social life. She constantly makes comments about my mum's social life, how she is a 'home counties typical helicopter mum' ...Not true! She is perfectly caring and supportive but not OTT in any way. She makes patronising comments about my mum as if she is a charity case who needs caring for! My mum has been through hell in her life at times and is the strongest person I know! She is perfectly happy and busy.
The only thing my mum has every done wrong (as far as I know) is talk to my brother when he ditched his dream job and career path for a job he didn't want to be near his girlfriend. Mum asked him if he was sure and if there was any way she could move to the city too or if my brother could do long distance for a bit. He refused and said he wanted to pick the girl over the job. He has since told me his girlfriend was very pushy about this issue and basically forced him not to move to the city for said dream job. Mum never said anything negative about the girlfriend in this discussion.
She has very strong and different political views from us and is vocal about it and how she has persuaded my brother to vote for the party she likes. She actively drops in her hate of private education (all our family were educated this way) and slags off my mum's hometown.
It has got to the point I don't know what to do...
I try to ignore her snide comments as I was hoping it was a phase and my brother would tell her to stop but nothing has changed. My brother doesn't really listen if I try and talk to him about his girlfriend. He always defends her.
I can't stand watching my mum be disrespected so much any longer.

I think you can gently ask your brother if she could tone it down about your mum as you find it stressful to listen too. Don't bother trying to change her opinions, that's not going to happen. But, yeah, you shouldn't have to listen to it.

Does your mum notice it? Or is it all said behind her back?

She sounds very insecure. I would speak to your brother about it and see if he has picked up on her comments and how he feels about them. He needs to address this. She has no right to be disrespectful to your mum on the basis that she disagrees with her values and lifestyle. How does your mum feel about this? Has she indicated that she is hurt or upset Hythe comments? I would suggest distancing your mum away from your brother and his gf ( if your mum agrees).
It does seem that your brother is very much under the thumb of his gf and you must be prepared that he will take her side and become increasingly isolated from your and your mum. I thi nk she sounds abusive. The bit about forcing him to chabge political affiliation is quite scary. She doesn't allow him independent thought and opinion.
You sound like a very patient person OP. If I saw someone being disrespectful about my parents more than twice, I would call them out on it and would be none too polite about it either.

I have a SIL who was rude about my DF when he was alive. I really, really wish I had said something at the time to defend him. I would now. Try saying something like 'Do you mind, that's my DM you're taking about'.
Your brother isn't going to defend your Mum so you must. Don't wait until it's too late like I did.

Don't let her talk about your mother like that. Shut her down instantly. Immediately tell her that's not true/stop making shit up/stop lying/don't be so condescending/you're being rude again... Every single time.

My sil does this.

She stopped when i said 'you do realise you are speaking about my mother, yours husbands mother, your kids grandmother. How would you feel if your husband spoke like that about your mother like that in front of your family?'

I agree with Saiman as to the appropriate reply.

I also agree that she sounds insecure about her background and rather immature, controlling and verging on the abusive. I hope your brother sees what she is really like before too long, or the risk is that she will damage your relationship and your mother's relationship with your brother.

You shouldn't pass any judgemental opinions to your brother about the girlfriends behaviour. I suspect the girlfriend senses your opinion somehow and feels disliked by you and your mother. I suspect she's behaving defensively.

However she is entitled to dislike fee paying schools and be verbal about it. You're entitled to be pro fee paying schools and be verbal about it.

Your brother is old enough to take responsibility for his own career, relationship and political choices. No one made him give up his job. He chose to give up his job as he wasn't fully committed it to it and was more committed to his girlfriend. It's quite common to blame the partner for a blood relatives shortcomings. I know it's easier for you to blame her, then him.

Have you much of a bond with her? Have you spent quality time together? Are you nice to her? Are you jealous of her?

In relation to your mum, you can say to girlfriend 'oh no mums amazing, because against all the odds she bla bla bla' (explain why she's so great). Or next time the girlfriend passes judgment on your mum tell her 'when you get to know her better, you will see things totally differently (and explain why)'

I this boils down to her somehow knowing how you feel and feeling judged and therefore defensive.

Or alternatively being very judgmental about people as she feels a bit rubbish generally (nothing to do with you or mum). Saying that, politics and education is fair game.

I think you need to be more accepting of the girlfriend and your brothers decision to stay with her. It's got nothing to do with you anyway. Potentially you could easily drive a wedge between you all which long term could negatively impact when cousins arrive.

Thanks all.
My mum is aware of the girlfriend's views of her (not as much as I am, but she has realised). She is very upset by it. She wishes for a united and loving family and to have a good relationship with her children's partners. I think she blames herself for speaking out about the job move.

I will start to challenge her or ask for clarification e.g. what do you mean by that?. I really don't want to ruin the relationship fully but can't watch someone be so patronising to my wonderful mum who wants more than anything for a big, loving family around her.

A lot of the girlfriend's comments are subtle and sometimes said in a way trying to appear caring but coming across as if she thinks my mother is a psychiatric patient or poor old single woman.
I hate the feeling she wouldn't say any of these things if my mother was not single. She is from a very religious family and I don't think understands divorce. I wish I could scream at her that my mum escaped horrific violence and abuse and then did all she could, sacrificing everything, to give me and my brother the best childhood possible.

I wish I could scream at her that my mum escaped horrific violence and abuse and then did all she could, sacrificing everything, to give me and my brother the best childhood possible.

Then tell her this Daisy, without screaming. You can't stop her saying things but you can defend your Mum every single time. If you don't, no one will.

then you Scream girl... do not let anyone undermine your Mother.. she raised you both whilst being a Single Parent.. she deserves credit... not being pissed on in front of people but oh so subtly..

I don't care who she thinks she is.... this is your Mother...

Respect your Mother... xx

Does the girlfriend know about your mums past? Why not tell her but do it nicely rather then screaming! Help her understand. No need to be defensive.