Not speaking to dp and I really don't want to!

[elmo1980]

Dp and I have had a horrid day of not talking. In a nutshell, I'm due to go back to work after maternity leave soon and I have spent the last few days working out whether I should go back full or part time, use a child minder or nursery, work out what money we will have etc etc.

We started discussing the figures and I mentioned that it makes sense for me to go back full time for a bit so we are in a better position for baby no.2.

He lost it completely saying we can't possibly afford another baby, he would like one but it's too risky then starting giving stupid excuses like our house isn't big enough (we have 3 bedrooms) and we don't earn enough (combined income of nearly £70k).

I know we can afford another and I never wanted an only child. I feel like I've had the rug pulled from under me but rather than discuss it any more I'm giving the silent treatment as I just don't want to hear that I can't have another baby it breaks my heart

I feel awful as before my baby I would have told anyone who had one to simply be grateful but I don't think I can do it.

Not sure what my question is really, I needed to write that down, but grateful to hear of anyone who's been in similar situation.

I'm in a similar situation. We have one baby of 8 months and yesterday OH said he doesn't want another. I feel the same as you- would tell others to be grateful for what they have but I feel an overwhelming want for a sibling for our baby. I wonder if he'll change his mind in time as I don't think it would be fair to push for a second if he's not 100% happy. I've felt really tearful today and frustrated but know full well that he is entitled to feel differently to me and that I have to respect that. And I am so lucky to have my DC. I feel like I can't think rationally about it, overpowered by maternal feelings.

Well it does seem you just sprung it on him. You have a joint income but is that something you would be able to go back to as well when you have two kids. Have you asked him what he would like to do in the future as a family? How he wants to live? He has probably seen his disposable income plummet and you are making plans to spend what he has left.

You feel as if the rug has been pulled from under you but can you not see that you might have just done the same for him. He didnt say never so what, exactly, is your problem. Do you have a timetable that you havent given him. Having babies should be a decision both parents make. And since you have decided on a second, what happens when you want a third or fourth. Does he get a say in this?

If all you want to hear from DP is his acquiescence to your plans then yes, you will not be speaking to him for a while I suspect. Try at least to think he may have a point of view worth listening to.

I sympathise with you, but you know that refusing to speak to him is a form of abuse? And a little bit childish for an adult to be doing.

Refusing to speak to him is just going to make the situation worse.

Nobody knows how they'll feel about having more kids until they've had one - I know lots of people who've imagined big families and couldn't cope with more than 1. He's not in the wrong and it's better he tells you now than when you're pregnant.

Did you not sit down and talk about any of this before the baby arrived? Did you not discuss returning to work and trying for a second child before now?

I'm guessing that your child is less than a year old. The first year after having a child can be very difficult with the sleepless nights and constant demands and loss of freedom and sheer emotional shock of being responsible for this tiny helpless human.

Just because he's reacted so adamantly now doesn't mean he'll feel the same in another year's time. Several of my female friends said never again at this stage but changed their minds later.

However, I do think you need to make it very clear to him now that his response has upset you very much and that you very much want another child at some point in the future. Then you've both been honest with each other.

Oh I'm being completely childish I know that (although abusive might be pushing it a bit he hasn't said much to me either) but it's so frustrating when I know it is affordable and if he had just spent 5 minutes looking at the figures I had worked out rather than fly off the handle he would have seen that too.

I guess from his point of view I did spring it on him rather but the original conversation was more about when I should go back to work, I thought it was a case of not if we have another baby but when as this is what we had always agreed so I was surprised at his negative reaction.

I will speak to him tomorrow.

I've always tried to live by "never go to bed on an argument" - at least tell him you'd like to speak tomorrow so the silent treatment stops!

Yes baby is not even six months. I'm acting like a crazy baby lady whose clock is ticking arent I? Think I need to apologise. Thanks for helping me clarify everything!

I would be very upset too. How have you made other big relationship decisions? Moving in? Marriage? Buying?

FWIW, the baby stage does pass quickly ( although it appears endless). Our youngest is now 5 and our life dynamic is very different to baby toddler days. Much easier and good fun. Your DP may not be able to visualise that.

Having another baby isn't just about money though. Money is the easy x-factor to concentrate on but in reality it's probably lots of factors.

I think suddenly talking about number 2 whilst on mat leave with a 6 month old is a bit mad, you can barely be out of the fog. Just enjoy the one you have and see how you go for a year or so.

We are normally pretty good at making decisions together but it's usually because I've done all the legwork to show what options we have (I found our house, managed all the building work needed etc) he never does any of his own research or reading up on things, which is also why I'm upset as his argument isn't based on fact. Maybe I approach things too logically.

Maybe he's just not ready for another baby. Most of the men I know - not all before anyone jumps on me - don't 'get', what having a new baby in the home really means.
One male relative of mine who has been a shirker all his adult life finally found himself a job when my cousin had their daughter. He couldn't cope with looking after the baby when his wife went back to work so applied for and got himself some minimum wage paid work.
Another friend of a friend's partner volunteered for every bit of overtime on offer when their twins arrived...
We live in a world that is fragmented socially. Back in the day, families lived together, all the generations close by, child care was shared and it took a village to raise a child not as we have today, insular units of one or two people desperately either trying to get it right or desperately trying not to feel resentful that their insular lives are suddenly overwhelmed by the needs of a young child.
All you can do is be patient and hope that in a year or two, he'll agree that another baby, a sibling, makes sense.
I know of some women who, faced with your dilemma have waited but their partners have avoided discussion and out of sheer frustration, they've gone ahead with a second pregnancy anyway. Its a risk they were prepared to take and it worked out for most...but not all.
If this is a deal breaker for you, you must discuss it with your husband. Not yet perhaps. Give him time to adjust and adapt to the current situation; but you need to talk it through seriously, over the next couple of years.

This is jumping the gun a bit. Your baby is tiny. In a way I am not surprised that his automatic reaction is 'aaargh!' - even if you have agreed on it previously. His using money as the excuse is irrelevant really - it's not about 'doing the figures' - he knows that given your income and just given the way people generally do these things that it isn;t about money really at all. So, don't focus on that or start arguing about the figures - that's a distraction - and don't let his reaction send you over the top. It's very likely just that - a reaction to the sudden feeling that things are moving too fast.

However. I think that a good way to move forward with this would be to set out your stall, and here I feel you could 'kill two birds' so to speak. It's interesting that this response came about because you said you would go back full time... hmm, is THIS the actual issue? Had he envisaged you comfortably slipping into the semi-SAHP role, where you neatly become the part-time worker who takes the main childcare responsibility and ends up becoming the full-time-plus-loads-more person while he is The Breadwinner? From what you say about him taking a back seat on other logistical stuff, I had an inkling that this might be it. If so...

'DH I'm really thrown by what you said about not wanting another child. I can understand that you might not be ready now - for the record, neither am I - our child is really small yet so if your response was just because you're thinking I want one NOW, then we should talk more because that's not the case. But, if you mean it that you don't want another then that is a big issue. We always agreed on more than one child and that is definitely what I want our future to include. With that in mind, as far as work goes, then if there is the slightest possibility that we are looking at an issue long term as we want differnt things, then I'm definitely not going to be choosing to go part time. I'm clear - I'm going back to work full time either a. because we will at some point want a larger family and it's more sensible to build our reserves, as I said, or b. because if we might end up not together long term as we both want different things then no way am I compromising my earning power.'

For the record, I think this was a knee-jerk reaction. But - stay full time. Even if you stay together forever, sounds like your relationship might benefit from him stepping up in organisational terms, and he will have to do this if you are both full-time.

He's probably very worried that if you don't go back to work (or have another maternity leave so soon) your family income is halved, and you will struggle.
Please don't not speak to him, that's not going to help anything.

He's being practical. I'm not surprised he reacted like that, having had that sprung on him.

OP I think the talk of having another baby with all the financial planning discussions etc has scared him! Your baby is only 6 months old!
He has not said he doesn't want another baby, quite the opposite.
I wouldn't panic just yet.

Thanks all for veey useful comments. I apologised the next morning and said that it was never meant to be a discussion about a second baby but his reaction to my off the cuff comment threw me. He also apologised saying he completely over reacted and he was just worried that we were going to end up living hand to mouth.

We then carried on and got back to normal and discussed it all again tonight and hes said hes happy for me to go back part time and that it's not about the money it's what's best for baby etc and I didn't mention trying for a second (!) But I think it's something we can definitely discuss in the future - well hes going to put the outgrown baby stuff in the loft rather than selling it so I'm hoping that's a good sign!

🙂