So angry with stbxh AIBU?

[misswhatdoto2]

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble but I'm so angry at the moment. We are separating and still under the roof while house sale is going through.

Most days he leaves the house before we are up and comes home either when kids have just gone to bed so they are disturbed and all hyped up seeing daddy or comes home after I've gone to bed.
He has one day off in the week and works late shift next day and takes kids to school. Apart from that I do all of the childcare and looking after the house.
A couple of times I have gone out all day on a Sunday as he is home, just for some respite/catching up with friends and to give the children some proper time with their dad as things are strained when we are all together and I don't actually want to go out playing happy families anyway. (I do the weekly shop while I'm out so not exactly a full day of fun!)
2 weeks ago, a work thing came up which meant working at on a special project and staying overnight which I agreed to as it was the night he is home on his day off (I work 4 days pw). I got a barrage of abuse from him on text saying he had to go to work and I should have told him earlier as he had made plans. I am never able to make plans as he just says he has to work.
Today I go food shopping and spend time wandering round town and popped to my friends for a coffee. He starts texting me saying when are you home as I need to work. I must have been for around 4 hours. He had taken them out fruit picking this morning and also gave me a guilt trip for not going with them.
Apparently as I told him his week day off is 'his day' that's it. All other time is my responsibility. When I got home we had a row as I told him I shouldn't have to force him to spend time with his children and obviously work is more important.
I'm just sick of him trying to control me through the children, and then also attempt to alienate them against me as I'm the one who wants to split up our 'happy home'
The sooner we are in our own homes the better. How does he think that one school day a week is enough quality time with the kids??
I've suggested he has them for the weekend every 4th week as he does work Saturdays but should be able to get one Saturday off a month and he's still saying he doesn't think he can commit to it
He tries to lecture me about priorities because I dare to have the occasional social life without the kids in tow, but he doesn't seem to get that him choosing to work pretty much 24/7 is worse! He doesn't get paid for all this extra time either!

foot loose and fancy free ... isn't he x

Well this is his choice to make. Either he values time with his kids or doesn't. You can't force him to actually want to spend time with them.

Perhaps if you start saying that you are more than happy for him to spend less time with them, he will start trying to spend more time with them, it seems he is doing this to piss you off?

The 'problem' is that they adore their dad. The sun shines out of every orifice and he plays Disney dad to the max. I'm just boring old mum who they play up against as I'm always here and having to discipline.
The spiteful part of me wants to tell them what a c*ck he's being but then I'm no better than him with what he's been doing last year trying to poison them against me

I love my children to the ends of the earth, but is it so bad to want a bit of me time ocasionally without bring on mum duty??

He just enjoys playing the whole victim card

Plus it's not just spending time with them.. it's about trying to control me so I can't do anything without the kids around so he can 'spy' on me

What are the plans when you're apart? Have you any agreements in place re access and maintenance?

All he will commit to is 2 week nights a week. I've suggested every 4th weekend Friday to Monday but he won't even commit to that

Point out that his maintenance overheads will be more if he has them less overnight, that might help his motivation...

He's being a complete arse. He is probably bitter and angry at you because of the split. I've had this with my ex.

Hopefully when you actually live apart, he will be a bit more helpful with committing to specific days/times. I would definitely let him know that if he has them less than 1 night per week, he will have to pay maximum maintenance.
Like one of the previous posters said, you can't force him to have the kids but maybe when he is living apart from them, he will want to see them more.

He has agreed to pay £100 pw which is more than the calculator says based on 2 nights away a week. He often makes a point of saying that he is paying more than 'has' to. I've told him that he will still need to contribute towards new shoes, school trips etc as he was assuming his £100 was a get out jail free card that basically covered everything so he didn't need to pay anymore. He doesn't know that during school holidays I will also be asking him to pay cm on his day if he is at work. I'm not going to pay extra for him to go to work during the holidays!

Tell him that 24 hour childcare for his DC for 3.5 days a week( his half) would amount to far far more than £100, for the care alone. Let alone food, clothes, petrol, heating etc etc.

I feel your pain. I'm currently living in the same house as my ex. I ended it and he refused to leave (he can legally be here for a year and I can't leave). The children don't know we are separated because they're too young to understand but the eldest is aware things aren't right. His father is prepared to do that to his son... But there's nothing I can do atm. It's an absolute nightmare of a situation. Good luck OP. Just keep focusing on when he's gone.