what to do about the loss of a friendship?

[mrsjohnsim]

This is sucha strange feeling i have just npw.
When ds1 was born, my very good friend's brother and his partner (F)had a dd1 the same age and i became very good friends with the partner.
We spent hours and hours drinking tea and hanging out in that misty ilkjy haze of early motherhood.
We have supported each other all the way through the second preg and the birth of the second babies too.
I have seen her at least once or twice a week, and the dd1 and my ds1 were such good friends.

F and I do not see eye to eye on lots of aprenting things and i know at times i can be a bit overbearing if i think i am right and she can be a bit of a woolly victim type person, so I do try to back off if i feel that i am being a bit OTT.

But since the two older kids haev started pre school, it seems that F just has no need for me any more.
Her dd1 is very popular with all of the girls and there seems to be such a big gender divide. Ds1 has always said she was his best friend, even thiugh the teacher has said they don't hang out too much together. I have always seen the dd1 be lovely to ds1 at school until recnetly and now she just ignores him

F and her dd1 have a very active social life at the nursery and i just don't fit into it so it seems, my ds1 is no longer seen as a friend and so I am not sure how it has come about but f barely spends more than 2 minutes talking to me..

I am not sure how i feel about this, hurt and sad and just a bit ignored really.

I want to ask F what is going on, but she is such a twictchy and nervy person that i am not sure if i want to get more involved in that sort of conversation...
but if the friendship is over for some reason, I just want to write to her and say I really enjoyed it while it lasted and have had alot of fun woth her and her kids and thnaks for all of that....

does that make me seem a bit wierd?
I just hate brushing shoulders with her without acnowledging that she/we have moved on and that we had a laugh in the past and it was nice...
oh i do sound a bit strange, don't i?

she has infuriated me in the past for bieng such a drip in her relationship and letting her dd1 rule the roost totally, but i still think she is a nice person that i enjoy her company.

anyway, long post, feel a bit better for getting it off my chest too

I can understand why you want to write to her but would advise against it - if I received such a letter, I would find it very odd. You may want to write the letter but just not send it to her!

thanks sis, yes i know it sounds odd.
I just think we went through so much together i just don't want it ti fizzle out and for us both to be shifty around each other.. I can't work out what is going on with her at the moment.

She just seems to nod at me from acroos the room. We just went to a party and she hardly glanced at me...most odd.

You can't determine how she will behave or feel about the (ex?) friendship so i would suggest that you just remain polite and not in the least bit shifty. Start behaving as if you are comfortable with the changed relationship and soon, you will feel comfortable about it.

oh i know you are right, but i miss her.

ANde i miss the fun we used to haev with the 2 when they were little and then the 4 of them

I had them round for lunch the other day, first time we have intentionally got together for a couple of months. The two older kids just seemed not interested in each other really. Ds1 wanted to play board games, she wanted to bounce on the bed or something.
He won and they played board games, btu she wasn't that happy about it as it seems that she can't count like he can and just doesn't "get" how to play.

i suppose i am sad for ds1 as he is a funny little boy who doesn't have any friends at pre school yet, apart form her and now it seems that this has gone too. ds1 said today that she isn't his friend anymore and he was angry about it, but he didn't know why she isn't his friend

I think you have to focus on your ds and help him develop some other friendships. This will also help you get to know some of the other mums and put you friendship with F back on a more even footing. If you concentrate on this and put you concerns to the back of you mind, I bet in 6 months time you will see that she has started to approach you again.

Friendships wax and wain (sp?) with adults as well as children. I wouldn't write her a letter, just let her take her time. If you want to wiat for her then that's up to you.

Oh your poor ds! It is so sad as parents when we see someone not accepting that our child is the very best in the world! In fact, I think it is harder for us as parents than for the child involved. Your son sounds lovely and he will soon accept that this little girl is not much fun for him to be around and so he will make other friends. To be honest, I don't think many kids have friends at pre-school - they play with whoever is available at the time. I know that my in my ds's class, they only made proper friends at reception.

Don't worry, your ds will be fine and you will both find more suitable friends.

the teacher has aslo said that she is worried about him a bit becuase he just doesn't seem to connect with anyone at pre school.
He used to list his friends at school as the dd1 and a couple of her friends, now he has started saying he doesn't have any, just naming mummy and daddy and brother and our cat

I have had a coule fo the other boys round recently, but they all want to play football or talk about dvds, not board games

So, are you mourning the loss of your friendship, or DS's or both?

I wonder whether your anxiety about it stems more from your fears about your DS being a lone child in social circumstances more than your own feelings.

Friendships do evolve, sometimes they deepen, sometimes they peter out. Sometimes they drift in and out. You may yet find things change with your friend. I agree with sis - i wouldnt send her the letter.

Re your DS - keep inviting playdates round. That's the best you can do, and just make sure he understands that it is okay to be different from the other boys, and that he is always comfortable with himself.

oh thanks, you are all so sweet.
Yes, there is a fear about ds1 being a bit weirdo.
And teacher seems to highlight it every now and then, she worries that he doesn't have a special friend and he struggles in groups.
But he is the youngest one there FFS.

anyway, yes, friendships wax and wane and it weems that this one has run its course. I just want to mark it as a specail one, it kept me sane! (ish! )

Its tough - I see this a bit with DD. But, I know myself that sooner or later she will form friendships and bonds. I'm trying not to play too much importance on it, because I dont want her to feel that her natural characteristics are 'wrong' iykwim? She shouldnt feel like an outcast for just being herself.

So, she'll do it in her own time, and there will always be other children who are the same as her (only about 25% are really outgoing sorts, and about 25% are the same as our two), so they'll be lots of opportunities from friendships throught school and later life. I mean, look at me now????

My DS is having similar issues, as his "best friend" from before pre-school, my friend's DD, doesn't want to know him now she's got loads of other girls to play with. DS hasn't clicked with anyone else and often plays on his own. The teachers have said they don't think it's a problem as it can take a while for proper friendships to form, and he is quite philosophical about it - says that everyone is his friend but he quite likes playing on his own sometimes (bless).

cybele,
sounds like your ds and my ds are similar...bizarrely that probably means they wouldn't get on if they met!
And VVV, i suppose if they are happy with their own company then it is ok. DS seems to be, excpet today when he felt really sad (though to be hinest he was starving today and a bit bonkers until he had eaten me out of house and home- so the anger could just have been that )

anyway, time for bed for me and too tired to dwelll further.
shall NOT send a letter as it probably is a bit bonkers.
night all x

i think those friendships from early babyhood are really quite intense at the time but mine have not lasted (4 years on) because at the end of the day, when life moved on a bit, we didn't have that much in common so we have not stayed in touch although I'm pleased when i bump into them

my dd has made new friends and i have too. whats that cliche - friends for a reason, season or life - i guess you were friends who a reason/season and time moves on.

i wouldn't write a letter, just be lovely when you see them and continue to invite new friends round. good luck x

Hi MrsJ just wanted to say that I had a dear friend for years before I became pregnant with DS1. She had no kids. When I had DS1 she completely cut me off and I never saw her again. I was completley devestated as had a Csection and a really bad start to motherhood - DS1 had all sorts of issues with colic etc. Anyway I had to go through a kind of mourning process and as part of this did write her a letter which poured out my feelings. I kept the letter and I never sent it but I really believe this helped me to move on. Weird or not I had the same feelings as you and if you really care for people that is how it is. Maybe you should try to do the same thing.
At the end of the day I would also say a true friend would never treat you like this and if they did not want the friendship to continue they would at least tell you why.
XX