Problem with mother going too far now...

[lisalisa]

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Oh dear..

But well done for not taking the hint.

I think that however 'grown-up' you and your dh manage to be about all this, it's going to affect your children soon. You all desperately need some distance from your mother.It's an awful thing to say, I know, and I'm sorry to say it too. I just can't think of any honest way in whcih you could restrict your mother's access to your family without breaking completely with your parents.

Would it be of any help if you took the children over to your parents? That way you could leave at a time of your own choosing.

How did it go, Lisalisa?

Would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward (Amazon have copies available).

You need to reclaim your life before they completely suffocate you with their legacy of emotional pain and damage.

Lisalisa you have my sympathy.
Your mum sounds exactly like my grandmother-demanding,attention seeking,self obsessed,using ewmotional blackmail ect.It is uncanny but we have been through similar situations with her.
Samcj is right about the effect it has on your children though.My mum tried to keep the peace & always jumped when my gran asked her to & gran always made out that she was devoted to us,her grandchildren.But as we got older,we noticed how she treated our mum & she also began to use the same tricks on my sister & I,complaining that we didn't visit often enough,that we didn't care,that she was going to commit suicide because no one loved her.She refused to come to my wedding because I wouldn't arrange it her way & told everyone that we hadn't invited her.

Eventually,we found out about all the horrible things that she had inflicted on my mum & other family members & it did have a bad effect on my sister & I.Gran is dead now,thankfully.My sister refused to see her for the last 2.5 years of her life & although I did see her for DD's sake,I am still bitter about the years of misery she caused my mum & that she managed to put up a front of being the loving,caring granny,which a lot of people were taken in by.

Sorry,I am rambling,but I just wanted to let you know that it isn't your fault she is like this.Please get some distance between you so that she doesn't start doing the same thing to your children.

Re the Social services thing-I am sure that they would suss out your mum as soon as she phoned them.Would it be worth telling your mum that if SS get involved,they probably wouldn't allow her access to the children at all?

You poor thing. Much sympathy from me. I have a MIL who is similar but not as bad and it is so draining.

Get as much support behind you as you can - keep the contact with your rabbi, visit your GP and tell him you are "concerned about mum, what can we do" etc, go and see a solicitor or CAB and get some proper advice about grandparent access rights. Once you've done that, if she starts any of her nonsense again tell her that if SHE continues to behave in this way SHE will be deciding not to be a part of your lives and MEAN IT. Put the emphasis on her behaviour and the consequences for her. The whole drama queen / emotional blackmail stuff is attention seeking behaviour. We spend hours on mumsnet telling each other not to put up with this nonsense from our two year olds so you should definitely NOT be putting up with it from an adult. This is affecting your life, your marriage and your children. Is she worth it?