Totally confused .. feel like I'm going mad

[2scoopsplease]

Firstly sorry for posting as I'm one of those people who only post when advice needed and lurk the rest of the time and never offer advice (probably because I've got nothing good to say).

Married for 22 years & 2 teenage daughters (anniversary yesterday - no fanfare) Marriage has been nothing outstanding - he's had one affair, one texting 'thing' (both in the past about 7 & 10 years ago respectively). We rub along OK since but he has occasional drink/coke binges which caused immense angst early on but as they have lessened now and I've grown immune.

I'm posting as he has now become seriously racist since the recent terrorist attacks and general election. As he's aged (we are both 'young' mid 50's) he's become more and more right wing and say's that 'his country has let him down' and it's 'fucked'. I'm far more pacifist, tend to see the good in people and see our current situation as small bunch of c*nts making life shit for everyone else - although I hasten to add find recent events abhorrent.

He disappeared today to watch rugby with a mate and then when I called to bring home milk at 10am he said he was on a 'anti muslim march'. He's come home pissed and when I asked about the day and iif it was an EDL march (as I'd read something about it) he went totally berserk - saying I disgusted him, he wan't a fascist, to fuck off and then he stormed out saying it was over.

I'm not making excuses for him but work has been REALLY stressful for him recently but I've been totally supportive, working full time in new job myself, as well as looking after my elderly mother in a home who has major health issues right now.

I know I should tell HIM to fuck off and grow a pair but I'm reeling but his aggression/screaming and general anger tonight. My 13 year old was here but the older one was out. Feeling totally shit tbh x

You have to ask yourself what his behaviour is teaching your daughters about relationships...

He sounds vile. Racist attitudes aside. There has been cheating/substance abuse and he has no respect for you whatsoever.

Take back the control and start getting your affairs in order. Do the opposite of what he now expects you to do.

Oh op. He sounds really vile. I know you've made excuses for him in your post but honestly, it does sound like he's never been great and now he's just REALLY fucking dreadful.

Do you have to stay in this relationship? What are you getting from this situation that you can't get elsewhere/actually need (vs. could live without given some time to adjust)?

the old Racist card huh.....

What does that mean @Gemini69 ?

Er "occasional coke binges". Is it just in my world that that's not normal? I'd have been gone at that so clearly we have different levels of acceptable.

2scoopsplease I am so sorry, this sounds horrible.

What are you getting from this marriage?

If you are only mid fifties you could make a good single life for yourself or meet someone new, I know it is not easy to contemplate.

My guess is he will come in tomorrow and be consistory about the whole thing. You can choose how you deal with this, stay as things are, get him to change or not stay. Your call.

That would be a total deal breaker for me. I couldn't be with someone like that. If my dp of 25 years suddenly felt it was ok to go on an anti-muslim march, apart from worrying he has some sort of brain lesion I would LTB as he wouldn't be the man i love.

Thanks for the words ladies ... had too many glasses of wine and fell asleep on sofa. Sad thing I've discovered that how much of this crap I've normalised over the years. I had a bit of a shit childhood (narc tendency mother, lived abroad for a while & dragged about, bullied at school etc). and I think my self worth has never been what it should have. I had counselling last year and my therapist said I was scared of being alone as I equated it with something awful. (Again a parental 'thing') I know it sounds insane trawling the past but truth is I've no self confidence and always have 'imposter' syndrome at work to boot. Now if you met me IRL you would never know all this as I'm very good at putting on a front.

That all said, I finally know it's time to 'lawyer up' - the thought of enduring this for another 20 - 30 years sickens me. There is a history of dementia on his family's side and I"m even thinking that he's starting to succumb.

Sorry this is a bit of ramble - might need advice/hand holding at some point. Off to make a bacon sarnie & a strong coffee. Thanks again x

No to dementia.
Much more likely you are suffering from his abusive, entitled, obnoxious arsehole syndrome.
Step 1. Prepare to end it. Get all financial documents (or copies), passports, birth/marriage certificates stored at a trusted friend's.
Step 2. Arrange free 30 min appointments with several different solicitors to find one you feel you can work with
Step 3. Read Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?
Step 4. Do the Freedom Programme
Step 5. Keep all screens locked. Log out of MN. Use private browsing, delete history.

I had to laugh at your mention of "work stress", not because I am unfeeling but because it is so often given as an explanation on this board. You have to remember he doesn't take his "work stress" out on random people, he saves his nastiness for you alone. It's all deliberate.
And you know this is a terrible, damaging environment for your DDs to be growing up in? Set them an amazing example by ditching this git who doesn't show you love, respect, kindness or cooperation - the building blocks of any healthy relationship.

Jesus Christ, has he got any positive attributes ?

Agree it's unlikely to be dementia. I understand you want a rational explanation that explains why this man you loved and respected once has turned this way.
Racism and Anti-Muslim marches, EDL or otherwise, would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't be associated with that.
Do you still love him?
Hope can often hold us in places for longer than necessary. Can you have a sensible conversation with him about this or does it always get heated?