Guilty for feeling lost and resentful *TRIGGER WARNING*

[Implode]

NC and will try not to drip feed, will be a long one (sorry)
I need help giving my head a wobble to put things into perspective.

Been with DP for 16yrs (got together as teens, first love etc), DC, DP is a couple of yrs older than me.

Background : Throughout high school I was singled out by a group of boys (one in particular) who would give me unwanted attention, grabbing and touching me inappropriately, then would spread false rumours about me of a sexual nature. Got together with DP during this time.
Met DP through group of friends outside of school, and again the boys seemed to single me out grabbing and touching me, but I began to accept it as the norm. DP was my safety net as it rarely happened when he was around.
At 15, DFriend(17) begged me to go with her to meet her xbf (first I'd heard of him) and try to help her win him back. Reluctantly agreed, but it turned out df's ex was 26 and it was going to be a house party consisting of me, df, df's ex, 2 men (early 20's) and another girl(18/19). Felt uncomfortable but caved into pressure to stay. Had a drink then it's all rather hazy. Next day Df told DP I'd cheated on him at party. DP was hurt and I denied it but he long held onto the belief that if I couldn't remember I probably did cheat or I'm an epic liar.
Few yrs passed, moved in together, followed by pfb, but the mistrust was still there. I felt pressured into performing sexually, if not DP would bring up the past, calling me names and blaming me. This was mainly when he was drunk and angry. Eg. A few times he would punch walls, doors etc, once he pinned me against the wall by my throat then followed me around the house slapping his belt against his hand making me think he was going to hit me. He never did hit me and never has, although I'll hold my hands up and admit that I've slapped him (completely wrong of me and no justification at all). The DC haven't witnessed any of this.
He became addicted to porn. At first I accepted it, but it became a problem when he began to hide it, watching excessively, used in place of having RL sex, watching more extreme stuff, had no interest in having sex with me but a few times I woke to find him having sex with me while I slept. During this time I also found out he'd been chatting to a woman he met online and they had exchanged phone numbers, although they hadn't met irl.
We worked through it all, then a short time later we where having piv sex and he got behind me. The next thing i know he was trying to have anal sex with me. He knew I didn't/don't like anal so I moved forward slightly and reminded him I didn't like it. I ended up flat on the bed with his weight on my back and he did it anyway while I cried into my pillow, so as not to wake DC. He apologised, swore it wouldn't happen again etc. I forgave him.

Fast forward to now: For the past few yrs our relationship has been good, although I have felt that DP can be dismissive of me emotionally. Months ago DP told me he wasn't satisfied with our sex life. We put in the effort and things improved, but suddenly the sex stopped, he became moody and distant. He's started seeing a counsellor for depression, so I put it all down to this. But I had a niggling doubt so asked him outright if he was chatting to someone again and he denied it. I snooped. Turns out it's the porn again. It's brought everything from the past back, especially since I found he's been using search terms like bad anal and painful.
Confronted him and he admitted it has become an addiction again and he's concerned at how fast it's spiraling out of control. He says he's discussed it with his counsellor, he understands why it's a problem for me and accepts that he hasn't behaved well in the past. He tells me he loves me and wants me to forgive and forget as he's apologised. But I'm struggling with it all, especially as I feel he's been emotionally distant from me for a good few yrs, although the rest has been good.
He says counselling has made him realise his MH is the reason that he's incapable of showing me love and affection as he doesn't feel any emotion or care about anyone/anything apart from me and DC. I'm struggling to accept this explanation as he thankfully still shows the DC love and affection whereas the only emotion towards me seems to be anger and irritation and only kindness when it involves sex.
Last night we argued about it again (my fault, I was angry and brought it up). During the argument I tried to march past DP and go upstairs but he pulled me back with my arm, got up in my face and began pushing me. This is the only time, apart from the one time in the past, that I've felt physically threatened by him. He says he didn't hit me and wasn't going to. He acted that way because he was scared that I would go upstairs, wake the DC up and tell them everything. He also says I'm not being supportive of his MH and that I'm acting as if he's had a RL affair.
I feel hurt and resentful but I can't help but think he's right that I'm overreacting and being unfair towards him. I love him a lot and feel that I'm responsible because of my past actions and also that I should be more supportive and understanding of his MH. But I'm just struggling to get over it and give him the love and support.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he meeting here?.

Stop with this forgiving of him. He should be the one begging forgiveness here, not you and he is not worthy of you at all. He wants you still to forgive and forget!. No.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from the two of you?. That also brings me to you; what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Do you love him or are you really confusing love with co-dependency?. Did anyone ever bother to show you what a loving relationship is because this is not it at all.

This is dysfunctional to say the very least and this individual has also raped you repeatedly whilst you were asleep as well. He also raped you anally. Punching walls and doors and now getting up in your face amongst other actions are actually all examples of domestic violence within the home. Like many abusers he is blaming you for his actions. Again he is not taking any responsibility for those nor is he really expressing any remorse.

I would be planning your exit from this relationship asap and enlist the help of Womens Aid too.

Firstly what those boys did to you was vile.

Secondly you were underage and all those 'men' (I use the term loosely) were older so even if you did sleep with them you were actually raped. So if he's beating you with that stick, he's saying it's your fault you were raped.

Porn addiction. Horrible yes but good that he's seeking help for it. Only nice thing I can say about him frankly.

Slapping a belt around? Thinks he's a big man there, doesn't he?

If this was a recent thing only I may have advised you separated whilst he sought counselling and then gradually introduce a sexual relationship after but he has been sexually abusive already.

He's raped you in your sleep.
He's anally raped you.

I'd hazard a guess the 'extreme' rape is boardering on non consent. Certainly painful - am I right?

Your saying no and him doing it anyway is actually what he's getting off on.

Leave this man.

He is not good for you in any way.

I'd seek counselling yourself for what those boys did and what your H has done.

Honestly it seems nobody has/had your back - even your friend said you cheated, when she should've worried how you were (but she might've been groomed by her ex I guess).

Please look after yourself, OP.

He's a rapist. He's a criminal. He's a cruel emotional abuser. How dare he hold a teenage assault against you. My ex did this shit to me and I meekly accepted it for so long. Don't make my mistakes.

Op you need to understand that "why" doesn't matter. The "why" is not the issue. It's the "what". He's raped you, physically abused you, and his long term emotional abuse is not something that is going to change. It just isn't.

I'm sorry op you need to get out of this relationship. He could easily end up killing you. This cannot carry on... And I tell you from experience that this sort of man DOES NOT change. He will try to change. He might even want to change. But it will not last. You can't allow your children to learn that this is how relationships should be.

You can't take responsibility for another dysfunctional fully grown adult.

You are very forgiving but these ways of his are unlikely to change and it's not on you to satisfy his dysfunctional urges.

Porn interferes with a normal healthy sex life to a great degree when it is abused.

Do not try to repair this man, do not continue to let him cross your boundaries.

Resentment is like drinking your own poison

Please leave this vile thing. Please.

Depression doesn't make someone a rapist. He might be a depressed rapist, but he's still a rapist. And because I do know something of what you are going through

First off, thank you for taking the time to read and reply.
Wow you've certainly given me plenty to think through!

It's been roughly 5yrs since the past porn, online chat, anal sex (don't feel comfortable saying I was raped), punching doors etc so I was honestly thinking I'm being U that it's all been brought back by recent events.

I don't want to paint him as some horrid villain. He's a great dad, our DC adore him, and even though he says he feels nothing for others he is very charming and always helps those in need. Also I'm not perfect and have many faults so won't pretend otherwise. I've always relied on him and in many ways he's all I've ever known, so I'm unsure how I know if I truly love him or it's co-dependence, as pp suggested.

A lot to process.

Abusers are almost always nice most of the time.

It's actually fairly rarely for an abusive man to be constantly abusive. If they were usually like that, you'd never hear much about how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship.

I've been where you are my love and I know how it feels to have your world upended by realising the man who is mostly lovely is actually not someone who you can stay in a relationship with.

Heroin addict love heroin. Doesn't mean they should be taking heroin though. You can love someone dearly, but still need to end the relationship.

Love you cried into the pillow so your children wouldn't hear you. While he raped you. Please, please you must come to terms with what he did and see it for what it is. He raped you and hurt you so badly you had to cry into a pillow so the children wouldn't hear. My heart absolutely breaks for you.

A great dad is a man that can hold his head up high and say that he does his best to provide a solid role model of how a man should behave, and treat other people, including you their mum. Maybe he can 'play' dad well, but do you really want him as a full time example for your kids?
I'm only stressing this point because it's really hard to leave an abusive relationship for yourself.
Look into attending the Freedom project. Or if you can't or don't want to go there is a great book on it called Living with The Dominator.

I had a good sob reading your post thestamp, thankyou for giving me the perspective I need.

I googled the freedom project earlier this week 2017lulu but I feel a bit of a fraud tbh.

You have a lot to process in your life. I have no idea if, with a lot of help, you could work through your relationship problems or if you even want to. He quite clearly has a lot of personal problems which are causing great difficulties in your relationship. I really think that at this stage you should seek out some counselling for yourself. Whether you stay with your present partner or not you are going to need help to enable you to ever trust another man again.