Can you ever gain back the respect of your DH?

[roadtorumba]

DH doesn't respect me anymore.
Since having DCS, I've become content with being a mother, with decorating our home and working part-time and reading and writing in the evenings, walking the dog, the odd day out with friends. I'm. Quite content with it.

However, with this I've completely lost the respect of my DH. He has no respect for my time anymore, or my needs, or our relationship. He doesnt invest time in us anymore and seems to just please himself with friends and hobbies and such like. If I ask for something, I. Always seem to have to justify it and yet he wants something, he just has it.

I love all aspects of my life apart from life with DH as it stands and yet he is capable of being a good husband. So capable. I've no doubt that if I left him he would learn from all of this and be a much better partner in a subsequent relationship. I've since gone on strike and we're living seperately under the same roof for a while, since DH thinks it's ok to take himself away at the weekend at very short notice, leaving me with DCS. I've told him No. I'm not doing it and now working in shifts to take care of DCS whilst I please myself more. (I'm getting so much more free time!)

Has anyone ever gained back the respect and appreciation of their husband and if so, how?

By saying "gained back" it makes it sound like you've done something wrong which caused him to lose his respect for you. You've done nothing wrong and you shouldn't have to earn back anything. Your husband sounds like a selfish prick who takes you for granted. Have you told him how you feel?

Keep on respecting yourself and don't feel bad for asking him to be a parent too.

He knows how I feel, but not sure he really hears me. Everything is so very pragmatic, "but I have been too busy"
"I know we havent seen each other, but I can't miss the football match, I've been going for X amount of years"
"You can do what you want at the weekends too, I don't mind"
Completely misses the point. I'm concerned that he believes our relationship can just tick along without any maintenance whatsoever, I have pointed this out many times, but I guess he hasn't had to change anything as I'm still here, still ticking along nicely, being a good mother and a good partner.

You want to think about that title and what it says about your expectations. I can't be the only poster who read that and thought you had cheated on your husband. Instead of looking after his children and his home and bringing in an income.

Yes that's exactly what I thought too.

Sounds like you have lost interest in him too. I think it will be hard to pull back from this. Perhaps he is resentful of the hours you work and doesn't see you as an equal anymore. Are the kids young?

To be brutal I think you should focus on what is right for you. Your H sounds selfish and self absorbed and thoughtless and I don't see it in your power to change that, sorry.

No, I have never cheated on DH.

And the DCS are very young

You don't deserve to lose respect for bringing up your children.

Are you saying he has checked out of the relationship and becoming self centred?
In what ways do you feel disrespected?
Is he caring towards you and would he consider counselling?

Unfortunately if you have talked to him about this repeatedly and he doesn't get it, I'm not sure what else you can do.

I really like your attitude to life, OP, and I am sorry you are with a man who doesn't appreciate you.

No, I have never cheated on DH.

No one thinks you have done now we've read your OP. The point is that your title makes it sound that you have, because it's framed in a way to make it sound like you know you have done something wrong. Which is a bit of an issue.

Did you talk about having kids first?
How did those conversations go?

If he's not interested in your happiness then it's over. You can't make someone care. I'd say it's not about respect, it's about love and affection. You can't make someone fall back in love with you. I think you are doing the right thing in building your own separate life and ensuring that you get free time too.

You've tried to talk to him about it multiple times and now you've gone on strike. Honestly, if he still doesn't get it then I'm not sure what would make him change.

You don't say whether you respect him. Do you? The positive things you say about him don't quite amount to that.

Well actually I do remember a similar time when the DC were maybe 7 and 4 ish. The Friday night or Saturday morning announcement that he was going to football and having drinks first or playing golf or something else that woukd take the whole day.

So one Saturday morning I got up and ready and picked up my bag and said actually I'm going shopping in London and probably to the National as well. He just stood there a bit open mouthed. Gave no idea if when I'd be back and left him with the DC in their jamas and a list of their activities and lunch and tea suggestions.

I had a pretty shit day and much of it dragged. Remember sitting on a bus thinking I'd walk up the road of where I once had a house share just to kill time. Got home at about 7.30pm. The children were bathed and I did stories (which he never offered to do after a selfish day out). He was absolutely exhausted and suggested a take away. I think he was a bit scared I might tell him to cook dinner.

We never discussed it. We had a nice takeaway. We agreed that in future weekend plans would be discussed and agreed in advance. That must have been about 16 years ago.

Good luck.

Oh the roses: I like your example. Sometimes actions speak so much louder than words. Conversations often just don't work with some men. We have tried relationship counselling in the past, but it was still me pushing all the "homework" and discussions, DH needed constant reminding to do what the counsellor had asked us during the sessions.
I therefore saw no point in continuing to go as it brewed up a resentment in me.

Maybe it's not about respect. I've lost my spark. The whole "you can't be loved until you can love yourself" thing. I am a lot better at loving myself than I used to.be, I am actually quite content, but I suppose I could do more for me. It's difficult because you do tend to lose yourself when you have young DCS bit I guess it's just not attractive.

Loving yourself and having a spark are wonderful things worth having on their own.

Don't diminish them as things needed to make you attractive to men like a nice frock and lipstick.

I too expected you to have had an affair when I read the title. The onus shouldn't be on you to regain his respect. It doesn't sound as though you should be doing anything. He sounds lazy and disinterested in you and family life.

Honestly, I'd be making plans to divorce. I think you'd be so much happier alone. After all, you're on your own already be the sounds of it.

My ex was like this. I wasted years and years trying to get him to see this. It didn't work because he didn't care enough about me to change his behaviour.

Now I have the luxury of an entire weekend to myself every fortnight with no childcare or cooking to do. He has to cook, wash his own clothes and clean his own house. I have far less to do around my house. He no longer has time for the all day bike rides every Sunday. It would have been so much easier for him if he'd pulled his finger out and not treated me like s but there you go.