Daughter's emotionally abusive boyfriend

[blueribbons]

My 18yr daughter has been with her boyfriend nearly a year. Over the course of that year, he has become increasingly controlling and manipulative. Depressingly, he's very like my controlling ex, who my daughter hated because of his behaviour, so it's deeply frustrating to watch her choose someone so similar!

She's always been a feisty lass, but she just caves in to him every time he goes into a mood, which is ridiculously often. When she has tried to stand up for herself, his reaction has been to escalate his moods and anger, and then to play the pity card by telling her how depressed he is.

After another blow-up this week, which was caused completely by his controlling behaviour, and the fact she went to a party without him, she has accepted all of the blame, saying to me that she was insensitive to him. This time he escalated his reaction to the point of telling her that her treatment of him had made him feel suicidal. What started as annoying now has me seriously concerned, because she just accepts being treated like absolute crap by this boy, and constantly puts his feelings and wishes above her own.

I am so wary of simply pushing her away from me if I try to talk to her about his behaviour, because while she will talk to me when he's gone off in a strop, the minute she's grovelled and he's happy again, I'm not allowed to say a word against him. She has admitted that she can see his behaviour is controlling and that he's often selfish, but she still wants him, and will still put him above her own happiness. I asked her a while ago if she would end things if he ever hit her (his father has been physically abusive to him in the past), and she refused to say a straight 'yes', which really scared me. I could absolutely see her still sticking by his side even if he was hitting her.

Is there anything I can do to make her see how she's wasting precious parts of her life, her personality and her youth on this waste of space?

So sorry op, that must be so hard for you. I went through a similar relationship back when I was 17, he was very controlling but would also then go out and cheat on me repeatedly and for some reason I didn't want to leave his side. He made my relationships with friends so difficult, he would make me out to be unreasonable for going out without him. My parents openly told me they hated how he treated me and felt he was far too aggressive but as a rebellious teenager it almost made me want to prove them wrong that I could "change him" because things were good when I apologised to him and kept on his good side. Their advice pushed me more towards him sadly. Thankfully things ended as I watched him publicly hit on someone in a pub right in front of me, it took the public humiliation for the penny to finally drop. My sister confiscated my phone as she knew I would go grovelling back to him!! Thanks to her I didn't and I haven't spoken to him since. My suggestion would be to try and plant seeds about unhealthy relationship traits into normal conversations- easier said than done I know. Maybe bring up a conversation around her about someone you know who was treated similarly and reiterate how awful that must be for them to be continually treated that way. Sorry it's not the most helpful post, I know. I'm sure you want to tell her bluntly to get rid before it gets worse but in my experience it did the opposite.

oh OP that sounds terrible. I have a 14 year old daughter and to be honest I am dreading her getting boyfriends for this very reason! Thinking back to when I was that age I would have been mortified if my mum had got involved in my relationship on my behalf. So based on that I think all you can do is let her know that you love her and be there for her no matter what. I know how hard that is though to see her being treated so badly and willingly going back for more!

As a mother I watched my young daughter go through this with 3 different men. The last one cost her dearly, she lost her job, her friends, her family and almost her young child because of him but she wouldn't have a word said against him. I tried to 'accept' her choice as she was a young adult but hated his guts. Sadly when I did say something the situation became so much worse and she wanted to be with him even more so. Thankfully the abuse and manipulation became too much and she finally bailed out and unfortunately our lives were put at risk at that stage because he became extremely violent. It was without doubt one of the worse experiences of my life.
I very much doubt she will listen to your words of warning....how many teenagers listen to their parents eh!! Is there anyone else around who she may trust and listen to... a cousin or auntie for example as she may open up to them a bit more. Just tell her you are worried about her, give her the number of a domestic abuse charity and tell her that you respect the decisions she makes as a young adult but on this occasion you are extremely concerned for her welfare. Then sadly, you will need to step back, keep quiet and hope with all your heart that she soon gets wise to his nasty ways and dumps him.

Thank you all for your replies - things haven't gone well today! When I picked her up, I'd barely had the chance to open my mouth and mention him when myself and her sister got our heads bitten off, because apparently, we've been really rude to him! This is because we've not been particularly warm and friendly to him since they made up the other day - I can't put on an act after listening to him make my daughter sob her heart out for over an hour while he berated her in her bedroom for everything she'd supposedly done to upset him!

When I replied to that effect, I was basically (and very angrily) told to butt out, that she knew what she was doing, and that it was none of my business. Unfortunately I got quite angry in return, because she's very quick to lose her temper with myself and her wee sister, and treat us with little respect (I know that's pretty normal for a teenager!), yet she would never speak to him that way. She's also happy enough to ask me to drive her around, pick him up and take him home etc when it suits her. It's bad enough having to watch him treat her that way and have her put him on a pedestal, without her treating us, the people who actually care about her and respect her, like dirt!

Feeling very sad and frustrated tonight, but thank you all for the support and advice. I will simply have to step back and leave her to her decisions, and hope she comes out the other side of this and sees him for what he is sooner rather than later.

Please take care in all of this. When I finally made a stand and said I no longer wanted him in my house he went nuts and threatened me with extreme violence which continued for several months. I went into hiding as I was terrified....she went off and lived with him. These sort of men are dangerous but they somehow have a strong hold over a lot of women especially the younger ones. Perhaps they see it as quite exciting initially but then they find themselves in a position whereby leaving becomes physically and emotionally very difficult.
Please look after your own mental health and well being in all of this because things may get worse before they get better sadly.

Thank you heyday - it is an escalation into violence that I fear, especially since she's made it clear that even that wouldn't make her leave him. She can't afford to move out just now, or I'm sure she'd already be living with him. Will be permanently crossing my fingers that she comes to her senses soon, and before it gets any worse.

Did your DD witness the abuse you suffered before you got away? Would it be possible to remind her of how long it took you to end your own abusive relationship and how you regret not doing so earlier? Perhaps talking to her about your own experience would help her see the similarity and help her to really see how unacceptable this relationship is?

laundryelf, she did see what my ex was like, and in fact she was quick to treat him with the contempt I should have been treating him with! However, when I try to point out the similarities with what she's now putting up with, she just reacts angrily and shuts me down - she totally refuses to see it. She has admitted in the past that she recognises his controlling behaviour, but she seems to have decided to accept it, sadly.

In this sort of situation you have to look at what you can control and what you cannot.

You say he was berating her in her room? That room is in your house so you can decide that he is not allowed in there, or anywhere else in your home.
Tell her you find it disrespectful that he feels entitled to behave that way in YOUR house. Point out that just because she loves him it doesn't mean the rest of the family do. Insist that he is not welcome at all, and stop giving lifts. While you continue trying to be polite he will take the piss.

I know the 'grey stone' response is for dealing with narcissists but it may be useful as a buffer when the circus is in full swing between them. Practice saying neutral things like "Ah well, that's the way it goes sometimes."

It will not be easy, you want to punch his lights out when you see her so upset, but the goal is to defuse the drama.

OP I watched as my daughter entered into what started as an EA abusive relationship ( as they will almost always start, you know, just to see how much is tolerated and to give enough time for the woman to fall in love)) into an extremely PA one. She had not once witnessed abuse within the family home and my exdh is, in fact, a very gentle man who had good contact throughout her teen years and once he'd left the marriage.

However, her self esteem was low ( not the place to discuss why here) and this vile piece of shit was just waiting for someone like her.

To answer your question I went for support to WA, to a drop in centre, and sobbed my heart out for around two hours. I spoke with all the professionals there ( fire fighters, solicitor etc) and then presented DD with her options. This was once there was a child added the equation and CS had become involved after one too many calls to the police to their home from neighbours. During this awful time WA gave me the advise that I think saved my DD. They told me to always, always be there for her, for when she eventually decided for herself to leave. It was th hardest thing Ive had to do, but I stuck with it and one day I received the call from the police and her to ask me to come and I took her to hospital. The piece of shit received a 2 year prison sentence for the last assault and actually served it all as re offended when out on license.
So, be there for her, through the screaming and ranting that will come from her that you're not very nice to the bf. One day she will need you but don't give her any ultimatums, they won't work, she will choose him until she is ready not to