Love is a myth - how to let it go?

[2sCompany]

I don't even know where to start. I just need to know how I can be content on my own. I don't even want to be happy, just content.

I've a 6 week old baby by a physically and emotionally abusive ex. I have 3 other children (not his). Went NC with him when 5 months pregnant due to the constant cheating and abuse... such a long story.... now in a battle with him over contact.

Anyway, whilst in the relationship I was discouraged from contact with friends and family and lost the closeness with them to the point I barely see anyone any more. I'm really trying to regain it but feel like I'm pushing myself on people, so I don't force it. The only person I'm still close to is the father of my other children - he's the only one who knows everything that's gone on and I consider him my best friend... I know it's weird. Anyway, he is dating and will be introducing our children to his girlfriend this weekend. He deserves a good woman and not a nutcase like me. I know it means I can't be so close to him any more and we're going to have to stop doing stuff together.

I am in awe of his belief in love. I don't believe it exists. Or I am just not capable of it. But I am so lonely. I sound really selfish but all I do is stuff with the children. I know I need to learn to just be the best parent I can be and make that my focus. I feel so selfish to feel lonely when I'm surrounded by my wonderful children who love me and rely on me. I don't need another adult to love me, or for me to love do I? I can do this on my own can't I?

I just need to know how to let it go. Please.

(I don't expect an answer, just needed to say this out loud, so to speak. I know I sound pathetic and needy and probably make no sense at all)

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that 2 re WA and FP. As usual it comes down to funding (grrr). You could still email your local FP to see if childcare has been set up - or to ask for it! The FP is much better when done in person, as you get to meet others in the same position - and reading all that info with others is easier to bear (plus you only do one aspect a week, not the whole lot in one go). I do hope you can find a course that offers childcare.

So sorry about your experiences with WA. Perhaps you could type it out and have it with you so you don't have to go over it all again? Whatever, it's pants you've been faced with that.

I don't need another adult to love me, or for me to love do I? I can do this on my own can't I?

No, I think it is completely normal to once in a while want to talk to an adult.

I am fine as single, but I couldn't live without friends.

Your children are lovely, no doubt, but they aren't adults. You cannot and should not turn to them for emotional support; they need your care and support, not the other way round.

Apologize to your family and friends and try to get closer to them again.

Good luck!

My goodness, I take my hat off to you. You sound like an amazing mum and human being. It is no wonder you are struggling right now but you have an inner strength and beauty that radiate through your words. You did nothing, nothing, to provoke the abuse you suffered at the hands of your ex, it was all him and not you. I wish I had some words of wisdom or an easy answer but I don't . I grew up in an abusive family and did marry a controlling man but have finally managed to find happiness with another adult who is a good guy, it is possible to find good ones, they are out there but first we have to work to heal the wounds.

In trying to move on from my ex I found it helpful to reframe it as kindness I was missing rather than love. As, thinking about it carefully that was actually what I craved. Also, whilst I could tie myself up in knots wondering about whether he ever (in his way) "loved" me, he categorically was not kind (he could seem kind when he wanted e.g. When I was splitting up with him and I got a lot of faux concern interspersed with nastiness) but he really really was not kind where it mattered. It also helps as, although I can't see myself ever in a successful relationship again, I can hope to be treated with kindness in the future by friends, family, strangers (not all the time obviously but enough). In the short term it's still difficult if you are isolated socially as even though we have our children and they are amazing, the dynamic (rightly) tends to be quite one way in terms of caring when they are small. But I find it easier to practice self care in terms of " being kind to myself" than "loving myself" as whilst self love is doubtless important it is quite wooly. Whereas being kind to myself is more specific and achievable. Sorry for waffling on so late on the thread- I saw your post earlier but couldn't log on then.

Sorry if the above is not helpful at all. I had a mini epiphany when at a fairly routine go appointment when I almost burst into tears because the doctor was being so kind to me (effectively just doing their job) but coming out of a shit relationship it's really easy to forget what having someone listen to you (or even allow you to talk), show concern for your health, etc actually feels like.

Thank you everyone for your lovely words. You have no idea how much it means. Don't have a lot of 'typing time' at the minute but will come back after the children are in bed.

Thank you, thank you, thank you x

VestalVirgin - very wise words

OP - Stop being so hard on yourself, You are not your own best judge. There are plenty of a*holes out there who consider themselves to be wonderful, just like there are loads of fantastic people out there who consider themselves to be useless

And as far as the "love" thing is concerned, it can be found. But it is all about an individual not a concept. You start with a person, and love may develop, but probably not if you're actively looking for "love". I never thought I would find anyone, at least in part due to low self esteem, but I did. But we hardly ever mention the "l" word

And you already know what love is - just think of your children

Sorry it's taken me so long to properly reply to this, rarely get a minute to myself these days and when I do, all I want to do is sleep!

Thank you everyone for your wise and kind words. I am scared to look at my own thread in case no-one replies or in case someone does... its a paradox because I don't want to seem like I'm attention seeking but I desperately need to talk and for people to talk to me. Sounds ridiculous I know!

Vestal ...I am trying with my friends. I'm ashamed to admit what went on and that I let it happen because I know they don't think that I am the sort of person to put up with abuse. I find it so hard to even use that word. I used to be the 'life and soul party girl' type and now I don't recognise myself any more, it's hard to try and be me again... but I am trying, quietly.

hell... really no need to take your hat off! I'm trying my best, like every other mum and as you say, I have some strength in me somewhere or I would have given up long ago. I'm so glad you've found happiness - gives me a glimmer of hope that it may be possible. How did you learn to trust? And, more importantly where did you find your good one, hehe ?!

Charlotte... that is absolutely helpful advice and what a brilliant idea to look at things from that perspective. Same... my ex was never, ever kind to me... I'd never really thought of it like that but you are so right. When I cut contact, he was trying to get me to talk to him by saying things like 'please get in touch, I'm really worried about you' - which was a load of rubbish because he never worries about anyone but himself and I was perfectly fine anyway. In fact, so much better without having to worry about what he was going to say or do next or which other women he was seeing behind my back (I even struck up a friendship with one of them!!)

You're right as well about not being used to others showing concern etc... I still don't know how to handle it, I struggle with the idea that people can genuinely care and not have some ulterior motive.

Yet... I'm not looking for love. I don't think I'll ever find it. I'm not sure it even exists. Yes, I love my children unconditionally. I think that is maybe a different love to what is between adult partners... I don't know, I don't think I've ever really experienced it end equally I don't think I'll ever have that opportunity... not sure I want it, but I am sad to have missed out, if it is a real thing. I blame Hollywood and too many rom-coms!

OP for you

I have been where you are. I lost all my friends. I was ashamed. Used to be a confident, life and soul of the party girl. Very strong, my friends thought. Why would I put up with abuse? And I always thought everything he did, was all my fault.

It wasn't. Ever. My. Fault. Ever. And it wasn't yours.

Abusers manipulate. And erode your esteem until it's nothing.

My recovery took 3 years of being single, before I even thought about dating. I concentrated on being a mum, and my confidence, building myself back up.

I did meet someone, out the blue. He is without a doubt, my soul mate. He is so kind and thoughtful, the exact opposite of my ex.

Trust was tricky in the beginning. I thought he would cheat on me. I worried when he was at work, or going out, and rather than be annoyed with me, he understood. Gradually trust built. Someone worth being with will accept your trust issues based on prior abuse.

I am worried about your ex having contact with your newborn. Shit partners make shit dads, and often abusive partners use children to hurt you more. You don't have to hand over EBF baby this young.

Take it slow. Be kind to yourself. Enjoy your children. Try to get in touch with old friends. Be honest. Baby steps.

Never say never about finding a partner you deserve.

Big congratulations on your little one, and leaving an abusive relationship. This is the start of a better life for you all xxx

Thank you gluteus, its so lovely to hear that you have come out the other side of the same sort of shit. Do you think you found 'the old you' or have you had to become a 'new you' whilst rebuilding your confidence? I just feel so lost and, this sounds silly, but I miss me! I don't know this anxious, wary, paranoid person that I've become. How did you manage to get out of your abusive relationship?

I am very worried about his contact with the baby. All he cares about is what HE wants and trying to control me again. He has no concern about what's best for the baby... in my mind, me being able to be the best mother I can be and not living in fear or begin constantly on edge is the best thing for her. I don't think it's in her best interests for him to be in her life at all. He wants us to do mediation to work out contact, but I don't want him to have contact - if he can't treat a grown woman properly, how is he going to handle a little girl.... especially when she gets to her teenage years when it gets far more challenging. I wish he would just leave us alone, but its all about control - since I went NC I took away his control and he can't stand it.

Thank you... really, every time anyone takes a few minutes to respond to my ramblings, it lifts my heart a little x

No worries OP, lots of us have been there, and without the internet, understanding abusive relationships would have been even harder! I wish I'd have had mumsnet back then

Erm. Honestly? I'm not sure who the real me is. I think it's more how I am today than I ever was before. It took a lot longer in my situation as my family are mostly arseholes too aren't I lucky

But, lots of normal treatment from my DH, and we now have 3 children...I think I am 'me' or at least a new 'me'.

Not sure if any of that makes sense!

I left my relationship lots of times, but went back to family abuse, so I ended up back time and time again. Eventually I couldn't stand the thought of DS turning into him. So I drank a bottle of wine (not recommending, just being honest) after yet another argument and I grabbed my bag, and my son, and left. It didn't go that smoothly, and I had to call the police, because he wouldn't let me leave.

I got out of the frying pan and into the fire, but it was a different sort of abuse. More emotional with family. Silent treatment, critical, undermining my mothering skills...that sort of thing. I put up with it, because I had no where to go.

I worked my arse off and saved and saved to GET OUT.

With contact, I really really would fight this. Have you got any evidence of abuse? Did you make any notes, or can you make any now of all the things he has said/done?

You really shouldn't be in a battle over contact with a 6 week old. She needs you. And guaranteed he's doing it to have control over you.

With my situation, I made sure I was there with all contact visits. I noted his behaviour each time (sometimes he'd push me over, or tread on my foot in public) just to show he could still push me about as it were, even in public. He was always late, if he turned up at all. He never paid a penny. But I kept my son safe by being there. He threatened to take him away from me many times, telling me he would make up whatever he had to, to do that.

Eventually I got a letter from solicitor about my unreasonable behaviour, and how I was stopping contact! Anyway. I didn't have a lot of cash. But I went to a solicitor (who happened to be lovely) and listened to my whole story.

She unleashed the most fantastic letter about his past abuse. It was brilliant. He backed off. Got bored in the end. Set up shop with the woman he'd been cheating on me with, and that was that.

I still worry he'll be back. Get the occasional nightmare. But hopefully, that part of my life is over.

He tried to get me to go to mediation. I refused, based on his abusive behaviour, it would be very damaging to me.

Do you have any funds for advice from a solicitor? Or maybe CAB for free advice.

Wish you lots of luck xxx

Just to say quickly, I am still reading and will respond properly when I have more time - had immunisation this week, so rather clingy baby!

Gluteus thank you for sharing your story - it's good to hear a positive outcome and know that it is a possibility. I know what you mean about being the 'new you', I don't think it's really possible to be the 'old you' after going through all you did. So pleased that you've gotten to where you are today.

The ex sent me a solicitor's letter when I was pregnant, demanding contact and weirdly suggesting that a member of his family act as mediator. Given all the stories he told me about how manipulative his family are and were abusive to him as a child, I thought that was highly inappropriate and want nothing to do with his family, let alone him. Anyway, Women's Aid referred me to a Solicitor that gives half an hour free advice. She said I may as well do mediation and make contact arrangements as if it were to get to court, they won't care what he's said or done to me/my family, they'll grant him access anyway unless there is a severe danger to the health or well-being of the baby.

I don't really have a lot of evidence of the abuse. I've got all texts/whatsapp messages/emails. I have photos of bruises and the other thing is my medical records which will show my suicide attempts, self harm, alcoholism, depression and anxiety. All the medication I was taking and the gradual increase in doseage - my doctor has seen the difference in me then and how I am now (she was the first person I told). It's all circumstantial though as I never told anyone the real reason for all of that until recently. The police were only involved after the bridge incident a few years ago and in the last few months after I had to report him for harassing my family. They also picked me up and took me home when he made me walk home from his (a 25 minute drive) late a night with a broken foot, although that won't be on record.

Anyway, I digress. Basically, I don't really have anything concrete and a solicitor has already told me it wouldn't matter anyway.

So I went to meet with a mediator the other day, to see if it would be a suitable route. I told him the history (he had socks and sandals on!) and he has suggested shuttle mediation - so I don't have to be in the same room as ex. Had a big, crying, anxiety attack before I could even make the call to them to arrange the appointment, but I got there in the end. They've called me back this morning and set a date. It made me feel sick to know that I have to be in the same building with ex. I can't bear to think about it, it makes me shake and on the verge of tears again. I'm so annoyed with myself that I'm not stronger. I honestly don't know what can be achieved by doing mediation. I don't have a plan because I don't want him in our lives at all. What am I going to say? He'll come in all guns blazing asking for all sorts of contact and I don't know how to fight it effectively. I can't take the baby, so he's already forcing me to be away from her before he's even started. There is no way on earth I would let her out of my site for him to have her on his own, so I'm going to have to be in the same room as him again at some point. I am getting so worked up about this, I can't see how it will benefit anyone but him. Certainly won't benefit the baby in any way. What the fuck do I do or say? It just makes it seem so pointless that I ever tried to get away from him in the first place. I know he will have bad mouthed me to everyone, saying that I'm being difficult and am stopping him seeing 'his' child for no reason. I know he doesn't think anything he did was wrong. Everything that happened was because of whatever I did first to cause it.

I feel such a mess at the moment. Babbling away to no-one.