Is it reasonable to move out?

[AllUsedUpNow]

I love my family and home very much but I'm drowning.
DS1 failed uni and is working in a bar. DS2 is waiting for degree results but has no plans (and ALNs)
DS3 has just finished GCSEs.
I'm fed up of the mental load and being the one in charge. It's a legacy from being a SAHM then working part time in education so lots of holidays and non working days.
Since working full time I've tried to hand over responsibility stuff but although they are willing in principle and start with good intentions, we fall back into old behaviours.
I can't think of anything else to try other than to leave and just let them get on with it.
I feel awful about doing this but I can't see another way. They have nothing to gain by changing but I have everything to lose if they don't change.
Am I missing something?

If anyone has any ideas about how to stay together as a family but not drown I'd love to hear them.

Does Ds1 pay rent? If not then he should do; even a small amount a week for living at home.

Ds2 should be working as well while he waits for results and encouraged to apply for jobs after

Can you add a rota of chores for all your sons? This may help

Do you have a partner? I think moving out is drastic but obviously a sign of how low you are.

Can you get away for a while? Do the boys all get on ok.

I think that teenage and young adults can need lots of support which is draining yet by that stage we are expected to just cope.
Often teenage years coincides with us being older (perhaps Peri menopausal) so we have that to contend with.

Is it practical household stuff you are finding overwhelming?

DS1 pays 1/4 of his wages as rent and does chores if asked but takes no real responsibility for stuff eg has stopped doing the ironing which was his main responsibility. I shouldn't have to remind him.
DS2 has been home for a week and his room is a shit tip. He hasn't done the 2 things I've asked him to do re the gp as he came off anti depressants without gp advice during his exams (ffs ) and hasn't told the passport office that he's found his lost passport and is meant to be going on holiday at the end of July. He's an adult but I'll be the one picking up the pieces as he has asd.

We've had the rota idea so many times before. I've run out if fight I think. And I'm sick of the sound of my own voice reminding/nagging/organising.

I earn enough to rent a flat and support myself. DH says that he can run the family home with DS1's rent contribution.

It's the practical household stuff coupled with the fear for their future. I can see how they would just stay living at home in dead end jobs because it's easy for them. We all get along really well so there's no imperative for them to shove off out of the nest.

Perhaps you need a holiday OP, on your own, or with a friend / partner, but leaving your DCs to it. You get a much needed break, and they have to take responsibility for keeping their lives on track for a couple of weeks.

Perhaps also you could try just going through the pain of not reminding them and not picking up the pieces when things don't happen? It might take some time though and I realise that would be tough to live with