What has happened to him?

[Sickofthisalready]

To cut a long story short - Was with exp for 10 years, we have one DS. He left in feb said he loved me but wasnt in love with me. Things hadnt been great for a while, just the usual pressure of working, toddler etc and id not been showing him any affection.

Within 2 weeks OW surfaced, he treated us like shit, letting DS down, being really nasty etc.

I think they're over now but he's just not the person he used to be. He has lost his job, and spends every night sleeping at someone else's house rather than staying at the house share he has. Its as if he just doesnt or cant be on his own.

He has gone from earning 70k in the city, to sleeping on people's floors and scratching around for a tenner. He has completely stopped paying his loan/credit cards and the letters are coming thick and fast.

Last time I saw him he was carrying his clothes around in a carrier bag. Its all just so out of character. He says he's trying to get a job, but it doesn't seem to be a priority.

I am concerned selfishly because financially him not working leaves me 2k a month short, and also I still care about him.

Is this some kind of breakdown? He says he's fine, but has never been a talker. He's also a compulsive liar and drinks too much.

Any ideas?

Sounds like a breakdown to me.

Is there anything I can do to help him?

I think your focus should be on protecting your DS. He sounds like he might be a drunk or have a drug problem? I don't suppose there's much you can do for him assuming he doesn't want help.

If you want to help him send him the phone numbers for CAB and the job centre. They can give him benefits advice and help him look for a job. Other than that he has made his bed as they say. .

Are there any of his family or friends you can talk to?

But really this man treated you and your son badly and you have to protect the both of you so you can't really get too involved.

It looks, from what you say, like he may be an alcoholic and has hit a fast downward slope.

I don't think you can help him. Make sure you're financially protected and that your children are as emotionally supported as possible.

By all means, talk to his friends and family. They are probably enabling him at this point, but staying at their places may be a defence mechanism to stop him from drinking too much when on his own, so I wouldn't necessarily want to stop it.
But, only he can help himself. Be there for him if he needs your support to get better and keep strong in telling him to get help.

No, you cannot help him - HE can help himself if he seeks and engages with help (GP, SS, JobCentre etc).

Protect your DS and yourself.

Oh it's so awful seeing someone deteriorate like this. A neighbour recently did and it was very sad to watch. Then literally a couple of weeks ago I bumped into him, he was clean, shaved, dress nice, smiling, he had got a job and he's back!! Crazy how he had a six month blip.

Do you know why/how he lost his job? He may be the same, needs a job to get him back.

Engaging in the services that can help him can only be done by him so your hands are pretty much tied . Awful to watch someone go into self-destruct mode.

Although if you got together leaflets for the various services in your area you could give him those? If he's on the edge of feeling it's pointless because nobody cares then I guess seeing that you haven't written him off might give him a little nudge. It all depends on his state of mind though.

Sounds obvious but, I think it's a breakdown

Not read whole thread just opening post but to me it sounds like a gambling problem, serious debts, no care for money, lack of pride in himself, he's falling apart at the seams. I'd say he's got a bad addiction to something even if it isn't gambling

Help him for the sake of your child.
Can you justify saying "nothing" if your sin asks you in later life what you did to help dad?
If it jeopardizes your health or that of DS, then don't, but if it doesn't help him. It sounds like he is a sick person, not a bad person.

I am financially dependant on him (not totally but we have a joint mortgage etc) and there isnt anything I can do about that at the moment.

Ive held everything together since he left and DS is well cared for.

Other than his grandparents his family dont really seem to care. They are too preoccupied with their own lives.

I know he left us and treated us terribly but it hasnt made me stop caring about him. He is my sons dad, and someone ive loved for the last 10 years.

I dont know if he feels he cant speak to me because im his ex, but I just feel like hes bottling a load of stuff up and needs to let it all out.

Im not looking for an excuse for what he did, its just really sad that he is ruining his life. Its just not like him.

I know I cant force him to get help and he needs to do it for himself. I just feel helpless and sad for him.

Nelly, I think the problem is alcohol. Thats what all the money has been spent on, and im talking thousands

Have a look at the Al-Anon website aimed at family and friends of people with alcohol problems.

Do you know who his GP is? His doctor cannot talk to you about him, but you can let them know about your concerns. If/when he attends it can be helpful if there already is an entry in the notes highlighting concerns and a few targeted questions can help getting him to open up.

There really is only a very limited number of things you can actively do when somebody is on a self-destructive trajectory

I'd also get some legal advice on your mortgage situation etc - YOU will need to be proactive there because it does not sound like he will.

I would say addiction of some kind. Or many kinds. Yes to alcohol but don't be surprised if there is more. The City is awash with all sorts.

I appreciate that you want to help. But your first priority is to protect your ds from what is happening.

Maybe harsh but after the horrible way he treated you I'd save my sympathy for someone deserving; he was nasty to you both remember, you owe him jack shit.

Yeah be civil re your son but I think you'd be mad to get involved in saving him; he sounds horrible.

Sickofthisalready

re your comment:-
"Is there anything I can do to help him?"

No there is not. He does not want your help or support; you are also woefully underqualified to help him. What realistically could you do here?. If he is an alcoholic there is nothing you can do to help him; he has to want to help his own self here.

Help your own self instead and deal with any codependency issues you have.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Attila, im a massive codependant and having counselling for this! Seems like its still an issue though.