Unhappiness

[tooodlepip]

Hi I would love some advice from the
Amazing mumsnetters

I'm unhappy in my marriage i have been for a very long time. I also suffer from depression and I'm sure it's related to my circumstances. I've been going to counselling and what's coming out in my sessions is that I need a divorce.

I have 3 children and I work shifts in a job I like. I work very hard my husband doesn't contribute financially all the pressure is on me. I don't know how I could get a divorce and stay in work i don't know if i would even be able to claim benefits. I'm at breaking point.

I do have the option of getting a student lone next year and going to uni but again it's not going to be loads to live off. I'm always skint anyway even while I'm working.

Any ideas I have no support at all my mum is disabled do i sacrifice money for my freedom not that I earn loads it's basically only 21 grand a year.

I'm desperate for ideas

Thanks

Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith.

What do you mean a leap of faith? I've contacted the citizens advice for information waiting for them to ring me back.

Can i bump please sorry but I'm.hoping for some advice on getting out of a marriage and coping with the aftermath. My husband is really against the divorce so I have to deal with getting him to leave and breaking his heart as he will say

Check the online tax credits/benefits calculator to see what help you might get as a lone parent.

You have lots to try and work through. Would you have child care if you divorced considering the fact that you do shift work?

Hi no i wouldn't have any childcare. Or much support I would be very much on my own I have friends but I can't rely on them for childcare. I'm prepared to leave work but I don't know how I would survive now I'm going to focus on finding a 9-5 job if i can do that it will make a huge difference

What does your counsellor say?

My counsellor is surprised I have lasted this long I have at least 6 huge issues which have happened in my marriage just 1 of those things would be enough to end the marriage among those reasons is him leaving me for 3 years on my own and going to his country, I became pregnant during one of his visits and had to just carry on. Then I found out he was having emotional affairs with numerous woman while he was away and at home when visiting me. He hasn't worked in years and I've paid off a lot of debt for him and I'm in debt still. Now he is at home and is the doting dad and husband but my heart has just closed.

I'm scared though I know I can take care of myself well I always have it's just getting him to go without more emotional damage being done to me

If your DH doesn't contribute financially anyway, why do you think you would be worse off?
What is it you are worried about? Is it the money, or the childcare while you work shifts?
Please go on the entitledto website and find out what you could claim while working first, then change the circumstances to being a student etc and see how you would be better off.
I assume your DH would not assist with childcare while you work? Does he not work?
Its hard to offer advice without all the details. Do you jointly own your home for example? If so, you cannot make him leave

Sorry for the cross post. I see he doesn't work! So would he not help look after the children when you're at work??

I don't know how I can continue to work shifts if I'm.a single parent because i won't have any childcare. I'm trying to think as though he won't be around because i don't know if i can rely on him to get a job and pay child support or even will he live local he might leave and go back to his own country if we did separate.

At the moment he is a sahd he does the childcare but not much cooking, some basic chores I do the rest, the bathrooms etc he has been good I suppose the last year but I just don't think I love him enough to spend the rest of my life with him. To much has happened.

How easy will it be for you to get another job that is part-time? This will probably be your best bet as you tend to get more benefits when you are actually in work.

I don't know how easy it will be but I'm going to do everything I can to stayed employed. I'm just trying to be patient I'm just so unhappy and depressed right now which is why I just feel like giving up and quitting work and resigning myself to poverty although I know this isn't fair for the children I'm just tired now i suppose

If he's a stay at home dad you might end up paying him child support and he would have the children living with him?

How old are the DC and what is your shift rota like?

No he wouldn't get custody because of the time he just left for over 3 years and when i say sahd I don't mean like how I was as a sahm he is good with the kids to a certain extent he doesn't do homework or read to them that would all be me.

Sorry forgot to say my children are 14, 11 and 4

I would honestly think he could be recognised as main carer which changes things hugely. It's about residency and contact and 50:50 shared residency is not unusual.

It would be good if you moved out with them and agreed to have contact time with them when you are working... however it's all very theoretical how hard would he fight to keep the DC and the financial benefit that would bring to him?

What he feels is irrelevant. So what if he is upset. His feelings are not your problem.

You are the earner and could survive on that income. If you can find a job paying that income that will fit in with childcare etc then all the better.

What is the housing situation? If rented could you move out?

Often with a separation it's small steps to get you there.It feels overwhelming and often solutions aren't immediately clear but there is always a way.

Does he have any plans to travel back to his own country? Just thinking if that's a time to make changes.