I just don't love him anymore

[Styleangel]

We've been together nearly 5 years, lived together 2 years, we're a blended family, I have 2 dcs and he has 2 dcs. We've had lots of problems, problems with the dcs , exs, friends, family, a cancer scare, my dad dying of cancer 6 months ago. It's all taken it's toll on what was a very close and solid relationship! I still care about him but that connection has gone. But what do you do in these situations, we've sorted the dcs problems out they're all reasonably happy now and close to each other, we're getting married next year. I guess I should just stay and work it out, but I don't know how to. I dread sex, i do enjoy his company some of the time still but I don't feel the same anymore.

So much has happened and I guess We've not always been on the same page. I just don't know how to mend it. Any advice anyone? 😞

Uhm. Tell him. Don't get married.

He deserves to be with someone who loves him and who is overjoyed to spend the rest of their life with him.

Not telling him how you feel so he can decide how his life turns out would make you a shitty person.

But by telling him I'm also being a shitty person as you put it! I'm upsetting him, the children, I wish I could just fix it somehow, maybe I do love him, maybe I'm just being stupid! Every relationship goes through flat times, I don't know if it's just that. I don't want to risk causing upset because of my stupidity. I don't know what to do!

I had a similar (ish) situation. I just didn't love ex anymore and my feelings just changed over a period of time. I brushed it under the carpet as we had just bought a new home. However, I just couldn't carry on anymore. It got to the point where I couldn't even be in the same room as him. Added to this, his mother had terminal cancer. I chewed over whether I should tell him but in the end, I just had to.

Yes I feel like the shittiest person alive. We have 2DC too so added guilt there. But, I just couldn't go on living a lie.
I still feel shitty about it, but I don't regret it.
Please don't go ahead with the wedding and don't just put up with things because you think you're being stupid. Maybe a trial separation would be worth trying?

Tell him

Whatever you do, don't marry him without telling him. It'd be horribly unfair!

I left my exH mostly because of this. I love him still and we remain good friends, I just stopped being in love with him. The thought of spending the rest of my life like this filled me with dread. So I left.

If you dread sex then marriage should really be at least put on hold for now until you know how you feel.

You can't marry him.

This is your life you only get one, don't just settle, and hope you fall back in love, at the stage you're at, that's not likely.

Of course its shit, and you don't want to put him and the kids through it, but for their sake and yours, you need to be honest.

It's just so strange I've started to feel like this, I think it started as resentment, he is a good man but he wasn't that supportive when I had a cancer scare and had to have treatment, we've had loads of problems with his ex and his children, he shouts me down quite a lot, I don't like the majority of his friends I find them quite rude and sexist, and it didn't help matters when I didn't have my back on things, I guess it all builds up over time. It's such a shame

He shouts you down a lot?

Err.... - that isn't a good relationship.

I was going to post that I would take your time due to bereavement but then saw your last update.

Resentment is a relationship killer, if you feel he has let you down frequentely then it's not good.We all make mistakes but if there is a pattern then it's likely to
get worse.

What is the housing situation? Could you afford to move out with your dcs?

It's a shame but it would be worse to marry him. Think through how you're going to manage with your dcs, then get on with it.

I'm just wondering if I need to try going over the things that have caused the resentment first, see if getting it all out will help? Rather than just saying that's it we're moving out! I feel let down, but then if I start telling him that it will just seem I'm blaming him for everything ! Or that's how he'll see it

How about trying some counselling together? Never tried it myself as I was pretty positive our relationship was over. It sounds like you are clinging on to some hope. Maybe you both talking to a 3rd person would help.

"I feel let down, but then if I start telling him that it will just seem I'm blaming him for everything ! Or that's how he'll see it"

Its not good if you arent allowed to talk about how you feel because HIS feelings are more important. He may well feel you are blaming him, but that doesnt mean your feelings of being let down arent equally important and valid.