Whatever I choose is going to impact ds and I just don't know what to do but something has to be done

[HiccupHaddockHorrendous]

I'll try to keep this as brief as I can but I have a habit of waffling so I apologise in advance!
Ds is 14. I was in a casual relationship with his dad and when I told him I was pregnant he said he didn't want another child and was moving to another country.
He left, I had ds and our life was fine. Ds had occasionally asked about his dad but our family life was our version of 'normal'.
2 years ago we planned a trip to visit friends in the country his dad had moved to. A friend asked if we'd be meeting up with him and that she thought ds must be wondering the same so I tracked him down and asked what his thoughts were on meeting up. He was delighted and once I was sure it was definitely going to happen, I spoke to ds to see if it was what he wanted. He was more than up for it and we all spent two weeks together. They got on so well and I stupidly naively got carried away with the whole 'happy little family' fantasy and we made plans for him to move back to the uk to be with us.
2 years on and a failed British passport application, we are no closer to that happening. He's on the other side of the planet and ds and I are in limbo.
Communication is virtually non-existent at the moment but when we do speak, I ask whether he's still up for this, he says he absolutely is.
If ds wasn't in the equation and it was just my feelings to take into consideration, I'd have put a stop to it a very long time ago.
I feel so guilty that ds has missed having a relationship with his dad and if there's the slightest glimmer of hope that he can now have that I really want it to work. I also have the conflicting thoughts that I am letting this man let ds down by saying he's coming to be with him but doesn't seem to be able to get his act together to actually make it happen.
Something's got to give. It's not fair to keep ds hanging on and I just feel so sad that we don't appear to be important enough to him to be in regular contact.
Equally, I don't want to call a halt to things and for ds to feel I've stopped his chances of having a relationship with his dad.
I've made so many poor choices and don't think I can trust my own judgement anymore so please wise MN experts, share your thoughts

You are not stopping DS from having a relationship with his dad - his dad's doing that. Playing along with the fantasy to avoid hurting your DS in the short term will hurt him more in the long term. Unless he's got SN, he must know this isn't going to happen by now. But you're continuing to prop up DS's dad's fantasy version of the future so he can't really trust either of you.

Be the person he can trust and is in his corner.

I'm sorry for how harsh this will sound, but that just sounds like this man fancied moving back to the UK for whatever reason.

To not keep up contact now? Awful. (I presume that's with both you and your son)

I would let him fade into the background.

Jiggly - I know you're right, I just hate having to be a grown up sometimes and deal with shit
Ellisandra - yes, that's possible.

What the hell were/ are you thinking? He left you high and dry years ago and now you've given him the opportunity to do it all again.

If he wanted a relationship with your son he would be making more of an effort, it sounds like that your son is a convenient excuse to come back to the UK with accommodation lined up.

Stop being blinkered by your fantasy because it is blinding you to the realities of the situation and where you should be exercising caution, you're behaving recklessly. Start preparing your son for the realities of the situation and the real possibility of him being of being abandoned again.

Isetan - ah, the problem is I wasn't thinking! I very foolishly (or selfishly?) allowed myself to be swept along, thinking it could all end happily ever after. Annoyingly, I'm not normally like that and have spent many years building my guard.
However, the blinkers are off now and I've had a brief conversation with ds about the fact that he may not come. Trying to do it gently, without leaving an element of hope but I feel so out of my depth as to what's the best way to do this. Maybe there isn't a way to do it without ds blaming me at this stage and as the grown up, I have to just deal with that.

Not your job to try and get him to be a decent parent, he's already shown you he's not worth having, please do not say why you and your son are not good enough, it's the other way around OP!!!

Your son does not need him in his life, he just needs good role models, a good granddad, uncle, male friend, whatever, nowadays there is no such thing as the nuclear family so get that also out your head, your son will not suffer as long as he is loved by both women and men, not necessarily his biological dad.

You took on the role as saviour but have found out yet again the guy is a loser, makes me mad that you think your son is not good enough, he's way too good for this guy and I'd bet he's better off not having him in his life to mess him about.

Oh, adora, I absolutely know that ds is good enough. I'm not a gushy person but my son means the absolute world to me and is always my top priority (apart from when I momentarily lost my senses and got us into this situation)
Re male role models, almsost every one you listed has blown up in my face recently.
Most recently, an hour ago, my dad has shown just how little regard he has for his children. This is all so much more than I can cope with and I really don't know what the hell I should do. Well, actually, I do know what I need to do but I don't know how.
I just want to get into bed and shut the world out.