How do I tell my children their father is moving out!

[user1498056960]

Hi
I'm looking done advice please, I have been with my husband for 21 years and from February he started to become very withdrawn which I put down to his job as it has been stressful, anyway he became very snappy and putting me down a lot and being rude! In March he told me he wasn't happy after a night out which he had with mates, he told me in January that he was going to visit his friend in England in March time for a few days as he hasn't seen him in years, I said it wasn't a problem as stupidly thought the break would do him good! A few weeks before he went away he then told me he was going for a week, I noticed that he had applied for a passport and he told me that his friend was booking somewhere for them to go away for a few days, he said it was maybe France, the day he was due to go he told me that his friend had booked a holiday for them to America, I went and helped him pick new clothes etc for going and now I feel such a fool as before he went he told me he still wasn't happy and no matter what I said or done I am the worst in the world! He went on his holiday and I got a few emails here and there while he was away! The night he came back I was trying to show interest in his trip and he blurted out that he still wasn't happy and wants to separate, we have a family holiday in a few weeks and he said he will go after that, I initially said I couldn't go on the holiday which is for a week as I feel so hurt and now I have agreed as my 2 boys are really looking forward to it, one of them has autism. I haved checked my husbands phone and he is looking for accommodation around our area, I have asked him was there anyone else and he said no, he's never off his tablet and he told me he doesn't know how to work facebook, how wrong was he, after a bit of investigating the past month I have found out he was been messaging a woman from America and he sent her a dozen roses a few weeks ago for her birthday. I confronted him today and he was totally shocked that I found out, he's been sitting up to 2 am every night so that must be his messaging time, he told me it was a friend from years ago who I had never heard of and when he found out he was going to America on holiday he asked her to meet up with him, he has the cheek to tell me they are just friends, how many friends send a dozen red roses for their birthday, yet he says he has nothing to hide but refuses to show me his facebook account, this woman had photos of their drinks on date night and photos of sightseeing that day! I feel so hurt, used and taken for a fool, but I'm even more hurt for my 2 boys age 11 and 16, the older boy has autism and finds it very difficult to cope with change and I am worried how both the boys will deal with this, I feel so annoyed as I gave up work to concentrate on my family quite a few years ago. More importantly I would be greatful for advice with how do I sit my children down to tell them their Dad wants a separation as they are my priority!
Sorry for the long post, any advice appreciated, thank you!

You should also want a separation OP, he's clearly having at least an emotional affair if not a full sexual one, it was her he went to see in America no?

I know it must be bloody hard but you are both going to have to tell them and if I was you, I'd stop acting like his wife, his friend, and be completely neutral with him now, he's clearing getting his ducks in a row to disappear, I suggest you get on and do the same, don't let him bring you down, you can do this, he's bloody awful.

You don't. He does. Explain to him that you will go away for a weekend while he tells them and deals with the emotional fall out. Whenever they are upset, ring him and hand the phone to him, saying they need comfort or sympathy or explanations from him for his decision. He's crapped on their lives, you haven't. It's his responsibility. Make sure he understands this 100%.

Thank you so much Adora and Millifiori, you's are right, he had the cheek to say to me that there was no other woman involved until I caught him out which he didn't expect, I'm greatful for your advice!

Prioritise your children, I understand Millifiori reasoning but I wouldn't trust this man to put his selfish needs above your boys and there's a danger, he could tell them all kinds of crap to protect his image of himself. So if you can, tell them together so that you are both singing from the same hymn sheet.

Be as neutral as possible, avoid blame and agree a narrative before you tell them. You want to try and reassure them that despite the change, you both still love them. Kids in general can handle change (obviously this doesn't apply to your oldest), it's uncertainty that messes with them, so if you can agree a future contact schedule in advance of telling them, do so.

Although my situation was different (Ex terminating contact with DD), I didn't trust Ex not to bullshit DD, so even though I insisted that we agree the narrative in advance (thank God I did because it took a Child Phycologist to point out bloody obvious things that would have said to DD that would have confused and distressed her), Agree the narrative was tedious because Ex was more concerned about his image than with DD's MH but we did agree in the end and I think DD benefited from the neutrality.

What an arsehole I'm so sorry I agree with Ise that you need to be telling them the same thing.

God knows what shit he could spout to save face.

Again I'm sorry you deserve better.

Thank you Isetan for your good advice, to be honest I wouldn't trust him to break the news himself as dear only knows what they would be told considering he is a liar, I'll have to put a brave face on and keep things amicable for my childrens best interests. I'm sorry you had to go through a difficult time, hope all is well with you now and thanks again for your advice!

Thank you UnbornMortificado, you are so right, dear only knows what crap he would say considering he's been lying to me for months! Thank you for your advice!

I'd bet money that it's going to be you who has to be the bigger person. I've been there it's shit but at least I can look back and know I did right by my DD's. As I'm sure you will one day.

I have no experience with autism but there is a board on here for parents of SEN children which might have some more advice on breaking the news to your older son.

Thank you UnbornMortificado, I think you will be right there, like everything else, any stressful situations have always been left to me and he's certainly in fantasy land at the minute! I will have a look at that board, thank you, I really appreciate your advice!

We are doing fine thanks, not having to deal with a very selfish man has a lot to do with that. Your boys are the priority and reassuring them during the upcoming upheaval is the goal.

Once again my situation was different, we had been split for five years and I wasn't dependent on him, which (for the most part) enabled me to detach from my Ex.

Lean on friends and family and look after yourself, prioritising your MH is a win win, it helps you and your boys

Stay strong, you will come out stronger.