Today the struggle is real-I feel dead inside me and I want to quit my studies

[user1498060624]

Today it's tough, I cant even move out of bed or have any will to do anything, not even eat.

Last night I cried and cried and got it out of my system but it didn't help at all. I woke up crying again. He has been texting me saying he will find a better girl than me and that he feels we lacked communication. Everytime I imagine him with another girl I want to die. I know that he will always be abusive and only a sheep would not irritate him. But in reality I know that as long as his new gf is Scottish and not foreigner like myself his parents will accept her, love her and cherish her. And for a man who all he cares about is how to satisfy his parents and have a good relationship with them, then this will make him happy!

I haven't eaten for almost two days now, I try to shower and brush my teeth but nothing more.

I call the Domestic Abuse line just so that I can talk to someone but its been 29 times I called them so far and they are occupied.

As a result of my mental situation I am not longer able to study and submit my phd thesis that has a submission deadline at the end of August.

My family is miles away and they cannot do anything. I have no friends here as they all left back in my home country and I am alone.

The body pain is so severe it feels like I have been amputated without anesthesia. I get sick all the time, my muscles shake, i cry all the time and all I want is to die. I have even thought of quitting my phd and go back to my home country but I know in a year's time I will regret it.

On top of everything, I feel embarrassed that I have been in a relationship with a guy who was not only abusing me but who was also not loving me. Since last night I am thinking that (even though he claims the opposite), a man who loves never treats a woman like this. A man who loves doesnt leave a woman homeless while she experiences the greatest difficulties in her life due to her work commitments. A man who loves has understanding and patience, he doesnt push you to the car without your will and drives you miles away to dispose you so that you get a B&B for the night. A man who loves you supports you and is willing to tell his racist parents that he has chosen you and loves you and they should suck it up. A man who loves you is proud of you, your achievements and encourages you to do more. All I remember of him is being embarrassed of me and trying to belittle my education, country, family, friends and hobbies.

Right now I experience massive pain and all I want to do is die. I feel worthless and that I will never be loved again or understood by any other man in this country.

Does the pain ever go away? How long does it take? Why do I love him so much despite not being loved back?

Don't give up your PhD.

If you need someone to talk to you, you can also try the Samaritans.

Yes, this will pass. You will not feel this way for life. Treat yourself as if you were going through withdrawal from a drug. You're going through withdrawal from a relationship. Be kind to yourself.

You're right a man who loves you wouldn't do all that, so he didnt love you, and that's massively painful. For my money though, you are dealing with it like a boss, acknowledging the grief and the physical manifestation of the pain, that shows massive emotional intelligence and I'm in awe of you understanding it and processing it so deftly, it's absolutely the first step to healing is unfortunately, feeling the pain instensly first. Dont bin your PHD, you're better than that and better than him and his family, prove it.

He is your past. You have a terrific future ahead of you.

Don't give up your PhD- don't waste all that hard work because of your douche ex. Ask uni to extend, try mitigating circumstances if possible and speak to thesis supervisor.
Come on love, you can do it. Once you have that qualification no one will be able to take it away. I know it's hard- I'm trying to write up my PhD thesis at the moment and it must be harder feeling like this but I'm here to handhold and will encourage you all the way. Don't give up now. Uni's usually have counselling services, is that a possibility?

You need RL help.

There isn't a parallel universe where he's different. Until you take back the power you surrendered to him and start gaining some self respect, you will always be looking for excuses for why you can't be with him.

Grieve the man and relationship you wanted but accept that he and your relationship weren't healthy.

As I posted in your other thread, his parents are just another excuse for you to ignore that the man you love is vile..

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all your advice and online company.

I spent an hour talking to the Domestic Abuse line and then another hour with the University counselling services lady (that was my second meeting for this week). They both agreed that he was abusive and it wasn't my fault.

He has made me feel ugly, worthless and old. He has made me feel that no one will ever love me because I am opinionated and in an argument I will always respond back and try to make him see my point, while he was trying to do the same for his points.

When I tell him that this abusive reaction will happen again, he tells me that it wont happen ever again as long as the next girlfriend will love him, honour him, respect him and his parents. Which I did too but am I not allowed to have my own opinion?!

The fact is he has messed up with my head and I feel worthless. Everytime I walk down the streets I am aware of me getting older, I am aware that I am a person that in an argument will speak back and so I believe that anyone I meet from now and onwards he will hate me for who I am and dispose me (like my ex did) within a month! Well my ex said that no one would stay with me for more than a month anyway!

I keep having muscles shaking but I forced myself to go out and cycle, but because I didn't eat anything all day long I stopped and vomited in the park, it was too much for my body. Eventually I had some dinner now so I am pretty pleased with myself. The fever is still going strong though.

I cannot believe he never loved me!

On one hand I want him to see who I really am and what he is missing out but on the other hand I know he will never really understand who I was. To him I was just an ugly person inside and outside who deserved to be treated like this

The thought also that goes constantly around my head is if I have indeed been wrong and misjudged him and so I am losing the man of my life. I will die to see him with another woman walking our dog (he kept our much loved puppy since I was homeless and couldnt really find a new place while having a dog). I will hate seeing him happy with someone else while knowing that I wasn't happy because he hated me ethnicity and whatever else.

I hope he does this to another woman so that maybe then he will UNDERSTAND that this is who he is!

I remember once after he had beaten me I was crying and I was in shock and told him to look himself in the mirror and asked him if he feels proud of him. He of course didn't look at the mirror but he told me that he wasn't happy with what he did and that I should know his limits and shut my mouth.

He will never understand, and this is something you have to get past. He is an abuser.
You however, are a brace strong woman who left her home country and family, is doing a phd and seeking counselling to help you through the trauma. You can hold your own when you know you are right because you're strong. He couldn't handle it because he is an abuser.
Be kind to yourself and keep going. It will hurt but in a year you will look back and see how strong you have been.

*brave

I just thought I had my life in a line and I had it all. I thought he would propose me soon-ish and we would get married and have children because that's all I wanted!

I can now see that he would never propose me because he never loved me, he never introduced me to his friends because he was embarrassed of me and if his family told him that they were not great fans of me, then of course this would be a constraint into him proposing me.

I feel so lost I cannot even put it into words. I feel amputated and that my world has collapsed. How people are so strong after a break-up I will never know. But for me everything goes downhill after he kicked me off his parents house.

I will probably see him again during the weekend as he said he wants to bring the rest of my stuff that we kept for our new flat but he now sees them as 'clutter' in his parents house. And I feel weird for seeing him again. I called him 'abuser' and 'moron' way too many times in text messages because I am so angry with him that he did all these things to me. I really don't know how I will react seeing him having no regrets and being cold-stone like his father.

I am completely lost

It never ceases to amaze me that so many lovely women get married to selfish twats.They make excuses for them,give them virtues that they don't possess but underneath they know the truth -you are lucky ,you have escaped being one of those women.
Be strong,keep studying and good luck for the future

Try to avoid seeing him if you can. Do you have friends. Anyone who could get your stuff for you? Or could you maybe write it off?

Also try to see the truth of the situation. All of this was down to him and had nothing to do with you. It wasn't your race and it wasn't about his parents. He will do this again and again. With the next woman there will be brand new "reasons" for his abuse.

He didn't love you but he will never love anyone, he can't. And you ARE being strong. You ARE one of those people who are strong after a break up.

Keep posting. People will want to help.

Thank you so much, I feel people will get bored of me ranting and since he used to call me self-absorbed I dont want to look like self-absorbed but I am REALLY dying here!

I think of him being at his parents house all together patting him on the back telling him that good times are ahead of him not that he got rid of me, the toxi girlfriend who only got the bad out of him and that's why he was abusive. He actually told me once that he was being abusive and reacting to my words because I was no good for him and I was getting the worst out of him.

Deep down it hurts me to beats knowing that he might be right and that he might be happy in his next relationship. But I want to believe that I did the right thing and that he will always be like this UNLESS if he finds a woman who is a sheep and loves a man who will turn her into a house wife, who will never have to work again and just raise his kids so he has full control of her. And sadly in the city of Aberdeen that women are focused on finding a wealthy oil and gas man this is not hard to find. So I am sure he will find someone who will accommodate his needs, she will never complaint and he will be happy because this will be the living proof that I was the toxic one and he is the nice guy eventually!

I don't have any friends here but I might ask him to just leave the things outside the door and drive away.

It also kills me that we were constantly arguing that he wasn't in a rush to buy a house for us to leave quickly so that I am not homeless anymore living off friends sofas and he eventually bought a flat the next day after we broke up! And its a flat literally 50m away from my current room.

I mean, why on Earth wouldnt he do the right thing and buy a property as we had agreed earlier on so that I have somewhere to stay and we live a normal life instead of having to live in his parents house and talk about immigrants and Brexit during dinner?

Doesnt this show, again, how much he didnt love me? I start to believe that he on purpose did this. That he was waiting for my very worst moment when I would be at my lowest to kick me out of his parents house and let me completely exposed and homeless.

He said I am a bitch so thats why he preferred to watch TV with his parents at nights and not join me while I was searching for properties for sale. And he also said that he was comfy at his parents house and so why move away and facilitate me?!

God I hate him so much for everything that he has done to me and I hate myself for loving him still...

I bet he is already on Tinder searching for someone else since he never loved me why not find someone else now that he got rid of me?

And I miss my puppy SO MUCH :'(
It's tough loving this little thing so much and now having it taken from me because I couldn't search for a place to live with a puppy. And he wouldn't allow me to take the puppy anyway!

But my life is so sad at the moment. Never in my entire life did I expect to end up like this because of a man :'((((

I get it, you bought into the fantasy and are very upset it didn't pay off. However, there was enough evidence to suggest that this man was never going to live up to your 'happy ever after' ideal and this ideal, blinded you to the reality of who he was.

As difficult as this situation is, I think you have a fantastic opportunity to become independent and hopefully this will enable you to be more critical of not just the behaviour of others but yourself as well.

Your life isn't over, just the fantasy.

He wouldn't let you take the puppy? Bastard!

Look, when he says you didn't love, honour, respect etc he means different things to what you mean with those words. What he's looking for is a complete doormat who does what she's told and worships him without question. Basically, what the puppy did for you, but he expects this of an adult human being. He might find it but that doesn't say anything good about him or about any future girlfriend. You're a woman with a brain. He doesn't want a brain. You remember the Stepford Wives? A whole town full of men who agreed to replace their real live women with compliant robots. He's a Stepford Man.

The good news is that you are clearly capable of a great deal of love. Before too long, once you're over the worst of this (which really sucks, and sadly there's no way through other than forwards), you will be able to give that love to someone who loves, honours and respects you. Someone who would neither take your puppy nor exchange you for a robot. Someone who wants to be with a real woman.

Good morning OP . Well done for getting in touch with counselling service, I really think it will help you process this horrible situation.
However. You have dodged a bullet here- marriage to this man would be insufferable. He wants a handmaid not an equal partner in an adult relationship. I think the fact that you are an intelligent and strong woman threatened him. Which just highlights his own insecurities. You called him out on his abuse ( well done, bloody hard) and like a typical abuser he blamed you. Which he would say wouldn't he? Otherwise he'd have to take responsibility for his actions, far easier to blame someone else.
Look love you can do and deserve so much better, and you will find better. This is a blip, even though it feels intolerable now. But as a pp pointed out, you're grieving for the fantasy life you could have had which he would never have delivered. Let yourself grieve for what could have been but not at the expense of your future. I bet he'd love it if you binned your PhD so don't give the fucker the satisfaction.
I know you probably don't feel like it but go back to your research and start immersing yourself in it, it's a great distraction. And it's worthwhile research as well,remember that. Uni would not have accepted your research proposal if it wasn't. They believe in you and your abilities and so do I. Every bit of progress you make with it is a kick in the balls to the prick who stole your puppy.
Whereabouts are you with your thesis?