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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to get over the insults?

20 replies

Itsnotmyday · 22/06/2017 09:50

I posted a couple of months ago how my exp left me and had a new girlfriend within 2 weeks of leaving. He called me fat, disgusting, spotty, a mess .. the list goes on. I let it go on too long, i admitt that and should of changed my number sooner. I chanhed it around a month ago so theres been nc since then. But its left me at absolute rock bottom. Im so mad at myself for letting him make me feel like this.. feels like he has 'won' as he swans about with his new girlfriend.. infact his words was 'im so glad i left behind a fat, spotty mess that you are and trading her in for a gorgeous, size 8 girl that i have now. Its only been 3 months since we split and im still incredibily hurt and feeling very vunerable. He even went onto say "she fucks me better than you ever could". Im making positive steps.. started the gym, going out with friends ect ect. He made my life hell when he left.. harressed me, drove last my house.. made fake social media accounts. Thankfully all thats stopped now. I doubt his new girlfriend knows half of it. For context im 26, size 16 have one dd (not his). I just dont know how to get over it all

OP posts:

HildaOg · 22/06/2017 09:58

I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through that. What an abusive dickhead. Recognise what he is, that his new girlfriend lost out because she's with a shitty man and that one day she'll be on the receiving end of the same treatment that you got. People like that don't change.

The one winner, if you can call it such, has been you because you are rid of that worthless lump and you know what to avoid in the future.

Block him on everything if you haven't already done that.

Ignore all his comments and focus on being the best person you can be. Being the healthiest, looking your best, going for the job promotion etc... Those things will boost your self esteem and confidence.

This prick does not define you. His comments say more about him than they do about you. Shrug it off, be the best you can be and when you're ready, move on to a nice man.

Original poster

Itsnotmyday · 22/06/2017 10:06

Ive felt for so long its been my fault. I made him like this and i carry that burden with me all the time. He blamed me for his drinking problem

OP posts:

ems137 · 22/06/2017 10:26

I've found what helps me in a similar situation is to think about what his new girlfriend must be putting up with. He can't suddenly change from an abusive wanker into a model boyfriend can he? So he will be treating her like shit too. Whilst I wouldn't wish it upon anyone it makes me realise that it's a good thing for me that he has gone and that his poor girlfriend must be getting treated just the same way.

HildaOg · 22/06/2017 10:30

You didn't make him, his drinking problem is his, his behavioral problems are his, only he is in control of himself. He is one of those pathetic people who blames everybody else. His new girlfriend will now be blamed for everything he does. It is all him.

Why do you feel any burden toward this man? He's really done a number on you. We are all responsible only for our own actions. You need to take responsibility for the fact that you are not responsible for him but you are responsible (and please take this in the nicest way) for letting him brainwash and bully you to the point where you're saying these crazy things. You are responsible for continuing to give him a hold over you. You have the power to end that now. By recognising that he is an arsehole and loser of his own making... The power is in you.

You really need to build your self esteem and protect yourself so you're not vulnerable to abusive, manipulative shits like your ex. You are better than that. You need to realise that.

Original poster

Itsnotmyday · 22/06/2017 10:30

He never used to be like this though.. it only got worse the last 6 months or so in the relationship. He never insulted me while we was together it was when he had left

OP posts:

HildaOg · 22/06/2017 10:32

He is who he has shown you to be. Everybody has a nice act for the beginning. He had one too. The side you've seen now is who he really is underneath it all.

Original poster

Itsnotmyday · 22/06/2017 10:36

I do hope so, because i cant live with myself thinking that i made him like it. Im not a nasty or horrible person

OP posts:

cowgirlsareforever · 22/06/2017 10:36

Every time he insults you laugh in his face. Even if you feel like crying, make him see that you are laughing. Secondly, don't believe his horrible lies. You are none of those things he says you are.

cowgirlsareforever · 22/06/2017 10:37

You didn't make him act like that. Stop believing that you did.

Hissy · 22/06/2017 10:44

Sweetheart, YOU WON! You get to live without this useless lump of lard in your life.

I know you won't see it immediately, but you are well rid of him.

Time will help. What you are doing now will help. It will take time to get through the hard bit, but shortly you will see that you are feeling better about things, and if you are getting out and about, exercising etc, you will fell better and perhaps even look better.

Those words will ring in your ears a bit, but it's mostly projection on his part. None of it was true. Think about it, if you were as awful as he said you were, why was he driving past your house? why was he harassing you? Surely if a shred of truth existed in anything he said to you, why was he so hell bent on being present in your life if he had 'finally managed to escape you'? Would he not have just run for the hills?

He is a vile human being. You are an unhappy human being. You can work to improve yourself inside and out, you will get and feel better.

He will always be vile.

Original poster

Itsnotmyday · 22/06/2017 11:04

Thank you! I never really thought of it like that. I literlly have him blocked on everything, he doesnt have my new number. I do see him from time to time, he walks around like he is gods gift to women, its so cringy. He is so full of self importance. Wish someone would knock him down a peg or two. And i know i shouldnt feel like that, i dont want to hate him.. i want to feel nothing

OP posts:

pudding21 · 22/06/2017 11:33

Uffft, what a dick. I know the words hurt, but he is a spiteful, miserable, shitty bastard. Don't take his words personally. Hold your head high and look at ways of loving yourself. That size 8 new gf is welcome to him. He is telling you shit like that because deep down somewhere in his pit of his mind he knows he did a bad thing, so by saying that shit it makes him feel better. The worst type of person in my opinion. If you having nothing nice to say, don't say it at all.

You are beautiful in all your skin, once you start believing it you will attract a different vibe. One you deserve.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 22/06/2017 11:34

You definitely didn't make him become like that. He sounds like a vile arrogant man.
What powers do you have to make someone like that? It's not you. He's always been like that.

Don't give him another thought. Focus on yourself and your dd and do the things you want to do without that negative force in your life.

Hissy · 22/06/2017 16:03

Hating him is on the pathway to forgetting all about him

It's a process.

Understand the feelings you have, consider them and then let them go.

You're entitled to be sad/cross/full of hate

It's ok. You will be fine!

Original poster

Itsnotmyday · 22/06/2017 19:39

I feel a lot more positive today! Thanks guys. I guess i put too much pressure on myself to move on because he kept telling me i was pathetic for not moving on straight away (this was after 2 months of seperating) also told me no one would be desperate enough to want me and i have nothing to offer apart from sex.

OP posts:

humblebumblebee · 22/06/2017 20:09

Awww that's so so mean. No one deserves to have that said to them.
I had a bad break up with an abusive partner. The best way to get back at them I think is to learn to love yourself. Hard but possible. Can you get counselling? It really helped me.
I also went out and changed myself but not for anyone else, just for me. I lost weight, changed my hair and just went for it in my confidence. It took well over a year to feel I could even leave the house without thinking ahh I feel so shit but in doing all of that it took my mind off him. Don't be hard on yourself. Someone has been super nasty. But you can turn this around into something positive.

Original poster

Itsnotmyday · 22/06/2017 20:15

Yeah i am changing things.. ive changed my hair and thats making me feel better. Also starting the gym and going on a diet. Im not doing it for him or anyone else but for myself.. although it would be a good 2 fingers up at him making nyself look and feel better while hes still getting pissed every night. Ive thought about counselling but wouldnt know how to go about it? I cant afford to pay for it

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 22/06/2017 20:22

I'm not a nasty or horrible person

Spot on OP.

Remember that.

You are not a nasty person, he is. You are not a horrible person, he is.

IP1974 · 22/06/2017 20:44

What a shit he has been to you. You are none of the things he said. He said those things to hurt and humiliate you and make himself feel important. You neither need nor want that. Someone just doesn't become so nasty. If he wasn't always like that then he just hid it well. You look after yourself and feel better knowing that whilst he's swanning around like a peacock, his 'size 8' new gf has all that to come. And when he does that to her, you'll be totally over him and feeling and looking fabulous

Original poster

Itsnotmyday · 22/06/2017 20:57

I do almost feel sorry for his new gf.. i shamefully stalked her fb when i first found out.. shes not a size 8.. not that it matters anyway. Id of still been hurt if she was a size 6 or 26. Hes probably treating her like princess.. makes me so hurt! I doubt she has any idea what he has done or said to me these last few months. He has for someone who was in the exactly the same position i was in when we first met.. a single mum with a young child.. even has a veryy simialar job to me

OP posts:

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