Anyone experienced finding a deceased person?

[user1471503652]

I really didn't know where to post this.

A week or so ago I found a man dead. A stranger, he had taken his own life.

After a few days of feeling ok-ish, I have now entered a tough phase. It's sunk in now, and I've realised that I'm never going to get the image out of my head; I just have to live with it.

I was wondering if anyone had experienced anything similar? If so, what stages did you go through.

My husband has been pretty useless. He was comforting on the first night but I tried to talk about it with him over text yesterday as I had just spoken to the police, and he answered one word then rattled on about something at work

I brought it up over cooking dinner and he mumbled something then stared at his phone. I don't think he sees how this has affected me? My friends have all been supportive as has my mum, luckily.

The police have recommended the Samaritans to call, plus someone local to speak to if I feel the need. I thought I would reach out over Mumsnet first as it feels safer over a keyboard.

He was a total stranger to me but i feel like he'll always be part of me now if that makes sense.

Hope someone can offer some experience or advice.

Just realised there's a board for Bereavement, sorry

Gosh, I'm so sorry, what an awful shock.

I have no experience but would have thought that you are doing the best thing in terms of talking and sharing how you feel even if it is on MN.

I imagine that you're still in shock. There must be emergency services employees on here that may well have similar experiences to you.

I'm sorry I can't be of more use but I think you should keep typing if it's going to help.

What you saw must've been awful and the trauma is so fresh. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
You can email samaritans or text. It can be easier than talking. Email is [email protected]
Not sure if text but if you call then they'll tell you the number. It can take a while for emails to be answered (12 hours or so) but it might give you time to get your thoughts sorted in between replies.

Earlier this year my brother was found dead by a couple walking their dog. I can't stop thinking about how this may have affected them, and I really want to let them know how loved my brother was. He really was so loved and I can't stand the thought that they don't know this.

Keep talking to your friends, things like this are so very hard. The image may never go but its impact on you may change as time goes on. Thinking of you and sorry you are not getting support from OH.

sailinggirl , that's interesting because I was just going to suggest that the OP ask the police if the person had any relatives that she could perhaps communicate with . It may help to put the situation in a different light for you.

Have the police said anything about the inquest?
You might be asked to go. Sorry.

Thank you, so much, for your replies.

I feel like the friends/colleagues I've spoken to about it are only interested in the gory details which I guess is natural. I just want to talk and talk and hear what I feel is normal.

Also I've really realised how stiff upper lip we are. We experience something tragic, we pull together and we carry on. I'm just not in that place yet. I'm grieving someone I don't even know and I want to know his story. I want to hug his family.

I'm scared it's going to be something I'll never forget.

I will try the email for Samaritans. That seems like a good idea.

If you can get it -
Look into emdr therapy. If you want to get rid of the image it will help with that

to you

Mumsnet is great at times like this. I sorry you saw what you did it must have been such a shock. Talk about it as much as you can, if not in real life then on here. We are here to listen

Two different things here for you to deal with, bereavement for someone you don't know plus the suicide element. Access cruse bereavement counselling, and email the samaritons as suggested. We each deal with these things in our own ways, there is no right or wrong. The memory will fade in time x

Or you can call Samaritans 116123 Freephone

Yes many years ago, I worked in social housing and we went to evict a man, when the lock smith opened the door the smell hit me like a punch in the face.
It took me a long time to get over it and a lot of people didn't understand why it affected me so badly, I didn't know him after all, why was I so hurt for a stranger (who transpired to have died of natural causes peacefully)
Work were great though.

It does lessen, the shock, I've found.
The image is still there but not as clear, like it's blurred around the edges when I try and think of it.

The smell though, the smell is so fresh in my head I feel like I can taste it.

Don't be shy to seek help, it affects you way more than you could imagine in my experience

Feel free to pm if you want to chat

I'm wondering if you could go to the funeral. I've just been to a funeral for someone who took her life and, extraordinarily, it has really helped. I can't even explain why but it has helped a great deal.

I suppose the funeral presented her whole life. Up to then we were grappling with shock at the seering and unbearable end to her life. At the funeral we heard from people who loved her, who told wonderful memories of her which made us laugh (and cry). We sang some lovely songs she had chosen, we said goodbye to her. It was so healing, it made her a full person.

I imagine eg Cruse would be the place to process this. I went to them when someone I loathed died - so confusing! - and it helped. I also went to a bereavement support group too which helped, tho I didn't say much.

You're bound to be affected by this. How could you not be. It is shocking and so very sad. Imo it's natural to feel deeply affected for a while

The loathed person was my exH.

Hi there. When I was 18, I saw the person in the bed across from me in hospital die. I rang for nurse and then burst into tears. To be honest, thirty years on, I cant see her face in my mind any more. I do remember the sense I had that she was at peace. I think it is natural to need to talk about it. I didn't at the time. I felt it was tragic that noone was with the lady when she died and it has meant I have been sure to stay with my own loved ones or make sure someone else does when they've been critically ill.

I felt that I was an intruder in her death once I started to process it. It was hard for quite a long while but I hope it has made me perhaps kinder. I hope you find an outlet for your feelings. Samaritans should be good.

OP I'm so sorry you had to witness what you did. It's a hugely traumatic ordeal and you shouldn't feel any pressure whatsoever to keep a 'stiff upper lip' about it.

It's a positive sign that you already feel you want to talk about it, but I'm sorry your DH hasn't been quite the shoulder to lean on that you would have hoped for at this time. Opening up to a trained counsellor would probably be the most helpful option, as PPs have suggested - Samaritans.

My mother found our neighbour murdered on the doorstep of her house when I was 8 years old and she really struggled to cope with the flashbacks. It was such a shocking and violent scene. I was very young at the time but I knew something was very wrong with my DM and the way she completely clammed up about it. She couldn't sleep for months and wouldn't talk about it with anyone - she went to one Victim Support meeting when the police arranged it for her, but she never went back again as she deemed it useless. 5 or so years later she came into contact with someone who encouraged a more holistic healing approach to dealing with the horror of the scene. The technique that really helped her to handle the graphic nature of it was to replace the red of the blood with red rose petals in that awful image she couldn't get out of her head. She really turned a corner once she was finally able to process what she had witnessed.

I wish you all the best in dealing with your ordeal; talking about it will definitely help

When I was 20, I witnessed a woman getting hit by one car, and then run over and dragged by another. She died in my arms in the middle of the street. It was awful, but at the same time, I was privileged to be with her at the moment of her death. It was a very difficult time for me but I got through it. The woman's family sent me a beautiful letter three weeks after she died, and whenever the memories cause me pain I read it. It's been 24 years and it is still with me. All I can offer you is to allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you feel, and learn from them. Life hands us many struggles to work through, and all we can do is handle the pain as gracefully as we can. I'm so sorry for your trauma.

I'm a police officer and I'm sad to say that seeing dead bodies just doesn't phase me anymore. I can remember the very first one I went to though and I used to wake in the night seeing the body for a few weeks afterwards. I think that I saw it in a professional capacity and was prepared to see it (as opposed to just coming across it) so it wouldn't have impacted me the same but I'm confident you will get past it with a bit of time and you will no doubt still think of it but not with the same emotion attached.

I found a man hanging in the woods at the end of the garden of my parents house when I was 11. I am 50 now, I can still see his face. Death is just part of life , you did him the service of finding and getting to his place of rest.

I'm a nurse and witnessed loads of deaths and dealt with many dead bodies. Once when I was out with friends in a pub an old man was at the bar and collapsed while drinking his pint. I had to do cpr and no one helped me until the ambulance service arrived. That was about 15 years ago and I still see his face when I think about him and it upset me more than most of my professional experiences. I think it's because I wasn't involved in all the after care. I wish I'd gone to his funeral. It's totally normal to be affected by it, if you know more details and can go to the funeral it might help with closure. And cruse, samaritans or a helpful friend

Yes. When we were teens we used to ride ponies belonging to a friend of my sister. We used to occasionally see a tramp that slept in the barns where the ponies were kept. The farmer knew he was harmless and homeless. I went into one of the barns to collect the tack (back in the days when you could leave anything in a barn and it wouldn't get stolen) and the tramp was sitting against some bales dead. I wasn't particularly upset and went to get the farmer and we just sort of carried on with our day. I would have been about 14. Death was spoken of so frequently around me as a child it seemed a normal occurrence though. No blood or gore though so that probably helped.

I think it can be difficult to support someone in this situation. I am by no means exonerating your husband here but he's probably completely clueless on what to say about it or how best to give you what you need in this situation. I know I'd find it hard. Have you tried telling him what you need?
As for your experience, I'm really sorry you had to see that. It's not something that anyone could deal with easily I think. Do you think a couple of sessions with a counsellor would help? Samaritans are great for a listening ear too. I hope you find some help

I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. What you've gone through isn't fair. It's not like you are a first responder who knows it's possible, or that you were responding to a patient you knew was dying, or even a relative you knew was at the end of their lives. And it's okay to be angry! It's okay to beat up a pillow or take up kick boxing to kick the crap out of something. It's okay to scream. It's okay to confront this terrible situation in any way you feel you need to.

I hope you get to that stage of being angry and then you can work on letting it go. I would suggest you maybe go to the GP or at least look up some techniques in how to let things go. I would even consider counselling, maybe not the type where you go and talk but sessions where you might walk around screaming your head off (primal scream). There are many therapies out there, and obviously different practitioners will have their own opinions on why theirs is best. You need to find what's best for you though.

Whatever it is you're feeling is okay. It's also okay that your DH doesn't really know what to say. I would be clear with him that you don't feel supported, and that you need some support from him at least support to find some support iyswim.

Hugs xxx

Since the tramp in the barn though I have dealt with the bodies of both my parents. I am like the old granny women from the village though.

I found a man dead on the stairs of my nan's flat with my mother when I was about 5 years old. It was apparently quite a traumatic scene but I blanked out that part of the memory and thought for years that he'd collapsed and we'd saved him. My mother rather tactlessly laughed when I brought it up and said "God no he was obviously dead, there was blood everywhere". I'm glad I didn't remember.

More recently I worked in an office block opposite a car park. I could see a young woman sitting on the edge who was obviously going to jump. I phoned the police, who arrived almost immediately and I thought great, she'll be ok now. Unfortunately she still jumped. It was so horrible I have tears in my eyes writing this now. I didn't know her but I still cared. That's the human reaction isn't it?

Sorry you experienced this, it's awful, but I think your husband just doesn't know what to say or do. Keep talking here if it helps to share