Getting over a breakup

[Ginlovinglady]

I know we all have to go through this. And I have before.
But I am older and really struggling. Very badly.
I ended up getting into a relationship with my oldest friend who I will admit I probably always loved. We had both left pretty dreadful relationships. I think it all happened too soon probably.
I can clearly say that he was/is the total love of my life, even if I wasn't for him.

He helped me through the most horrific times in my life and was always there for me.

But he has now decided that this is not what he wants. He wanted to stay friends and I just can't.
But I miss him so horrifically I don't even feel that I can move on. I spoke to him everyday for 15 years.

I wasted most of my young "child bearing" years on an abusive man. I wanted children so desperately.
I ended up behaving very badly and went a bit batshit if I'm honest.
But I am seriously struggling to move on.

I know that i cannot force someone to love me the way I love them, but I just can't seem to deal with this or process it. Most days I just don't even want to be here.

I know it takes time, but I just feel like I've totally failed at life, I'm 38 and I'll probably never meet someone and have children and all I wanted was to have a happy family.

Sorry for the long post I just feel really desperate. All my friends/family just say well he was a bastard to you and you need to just put it behind you, so I don't even talk to them anymore.
I miss the friendship so much
I just sit on my own day after day.

I really feel for you Gin, I can feel your pain from your post. Yes many of us have been there time and again. I don't have the answers. It's hard.. baby steps. Do you have work to distract yourself?

Thanks coffee. I work part time, not my choice but the industry isn't doing that great. Sometimes I don't speak to a soul for days.
And he works in the same industry too.
Just don't know how I managed to utterly fuck up my entire life.
And missing talking to him is dreadful
when I went a bit batshit he called me a bitter and destructive person who would never be happy and now I just feel like he's right. I am bitter and twisted

Lots of things can be said in the heat of the moment that we don't mean. Don't be too hard on yourself. Be good to yourself, concentrate on you for now.

If it helps you I found myself single and distraught at 40 that I had wasted my child bearing years with an arsehole. I spent a few weeks/months going batshit too but eventually I had a wake up call too. I had a holiday, joined the gym, saw my friends etc. 18 months later I met DP and it's the healthiest relationship I've ever had. He has DC but hasn't ruled out more. We might try one day, we might not but I'm happy right now.

I hit destruct and anger when I thought about my ex and lack of DC but that's very destructive and you need to try to let that go. I would go NC for now with your friend. I know that's really hard. Give yourself time. The friendship might heal again one day but not right now. I'm sorry you're in pain, it will get better

38 is only half of a life, probably less than that as a woman.
If you feel all your boats are burned where you are now, do something 'radical' if you can afford it. The world won't come to you, you have to go to the world.
Time is against you for having your own child(ren) but not impossible.
It used to be said 'life begins at 40'.

Oh Gin. What an awful thing for him to say. You you realise that isn't true? Your self-esteem sounds low. I'm sure you haven't fucked up everything. I know what the loneliness feels like. At the moment it's very raw for you. The only thing I found helped me in the early days was distraction, also working on a project with visual results. Are you no contact with him?

Thanks everyone. I do feel like I am quite a self destructive person. I didn't want to end up this way. I used to be a happy person. And now even my best friend thinks I am an awful person. He's said it to me repeatedly so I know he truly believes it.

The fear of never having children because of my own poor life decisions haunts me.
I saw him last week, we just argued and it was horrible.
I have asked him to try and let me move on.
I do feel like I have very low self esteem.
I don't feel like anyone wants to be around me, I'm just constantly sad.
I can't afford to do anything. I thought about going and having a fertility check up, but even that scares me.
I know that I have spent years being attached to him in an unhealthy way.
You know when you can intellectually look at the problems but I just can't seem to find anything in me to move on. And I am struggling to let go of the anger.
Sorry for the rambling.

Don't worry about rambling. It's good to let it all out. I spent ages furious with myself for staying with a man who always said he wanted kids but when it came to it he refused tests, if I mentioned other things such as adoption etc he shouted at me to shut up. I stayed from 32 to 40. Child years gone. I've really beat myself up about it but we can't change it. Get yourself well. You're not too old to adopt or foster at 38. That's an option long term. Whereas I'm probably too old for that now x

I'm feeling the ache from your posts. Do not give up on yourself.
You need a release from the emotion. Would you give kickboxing or yoga a go.
Just to distract and release your body a bit. The mind will follow.
Hang in there x

Thanks guys
I stayed from 28 to 36 and I know I stayed too long. It's fear that kept me and fear that seems to keep me trapped in this vicious cycle in my own head.
I do need to do something, but I find I can barely get out of bed these days. And I'm not even sleeping.
Not sure I could adopt or foster I don't own my own home. Don't earn that much money. Don't have a family support network.
I thought about trying on my own, but even that makes me feel so overwhelmed with sadness that I wouldn't have someone to share it with.
You know when you know you have to do something but you're just stuck in what feels like a reacurring nightmare.
I know I should get my big girl pants on.

Tomorrow morning get out of bed and put your big girl pants on. Even going for a walk will lift the spirits. It's going to be a nice day. Cook yourself something nice. Put your favourite film on or start a new box set. Small steps right now. Take care

Thank IP1974
I know I need to. I feel a failure for even struggling to do that.
Thanks to everyone it's made me cry that people I don't know care

If you take the attitude that the world is full of friends who don't know you yet, it might help. It will be a struggle at first but worthwhile.
Say 'Hi' to someone walking a dog or whatever and a short 'pleasantry'.
As long as they aren't rushing somewhere most will give you the time of day.
Little steps!

Got out and did some gardening that I volunteer for charity so that made me feel better.
It's just a bit lonely to come home on my own. I know it's little steps though
I got an email from him today about something work related and it threw me back a bit, it was a kind helpful email but even so.
Hope you're all well and thank you for my support yesterday. It was a really dark day.
They're rarely not. But it's nice to know that people care.
Both my folks just think I'm too sensitive and just need to get over it.

Hi op, I'm sorry it's been tough for you. I can imagine how hard it is having been in an abusive relationship myself. Give yourself time to move on and don't worry about the family yet. My sister in law had her children in her 40's. I am your age and a lot of my friends are only just settling down and starting families, you haven't missed any boat :)

Thanks minor! I hope so. Just got to try and move on and meet someone now! From all the old threads on here I can't see it being easy.
But am trying to be positive and not get drawn into the black hole
I've spent too long there and I know I'm the only one that loses by staying there
If only we could delete things from our mind

Don't worry about 'deleting' just find new happy stuff to keep you occupied. I think that is 'safer', although you will get quiet moments when you will recall things you may prefer not to.

38 is not too old to meet someone and start a family, so please don't torture yourself making assumptions! No-one knows what is round the corner. I have friends who had children in their 40s.
I'm sorry you're feeling like this right now but stop focusing on what might not happen and start enjoying life as a single person for a while. Maybe jumping into a relationship too soon was part of the reason it didn't work out for you.
Sorry I don't have any better advice but, you're not alone. You might feel lonely but you're not alone in these feelings. We have all either been there or are going through it too

Hey OP I met my DP at 41. Totally by accident. Keep your chin up, you've done great today. Don't put pressure on yourself to meet someone. Concentrate on you for now. Rushing into something that's not right might mean you end up another few years down the line in the same boat as you are now. You will meet somebody when you are ready. When you don't 'need' anyone but somebody you choose to invite into your life because you want to on your terms, whilst knowing that you are perfectly fine on your own. Be a strong confident woman

Today I joined the gym and went for a swim. I know it doesn't sound like much but I feel it's a big step for me. Trying to stop sitting at home drinking on my own and going to bed at 8 just because I've nothing else to do
Thank you all for your support.
I am slowing putting my big girl pants on.
X

Well done Ginlovinglady for getting out there and joining the gym. How are you feeling now?

I'm in a similar position to you so single, no kids and 37 and if someone would have told me years ago that would be the case I would have cried my eyes out. But you have to have hope that things can change and they will. All you can do is get back up and keep trying.

I hope you are feeling better than you were.

Gin, FWIW I have three children and had the first at 39. The third was an accident...

Doing ok thanks Earthangel
It's all a bit up and down. Good and bad days.
I had a session with my new therapist and he said I had clearly had an abusive childhood. It was a bit of a shock to the system to be honest, i just thought we were very disfunctional
Anyway trying to process and not to end up repeating patterns!!!
I just hope it isn't too late for me.
Wish I had thought about all this shit years ago.
Thanks vermillion! Gives me some hope
X

Hi Gin, how is it going today? I'm also 38 and single. I do have 1 DS (now 12) and had always wanted more children. My exH recently moved on after us being on/off for years and it really reopened old wounds and heartache.

Like you I'm taking baby steps to try and build myself and my life up again. You're doing great with the gym and therapy! I'd been pondering over joining a local health gym that has a spa and views of lush gardens. Reading this has given me the push to sign up for a month online. I watch a lot of self help vids on youtube that really soothe me in my dark moments. Also, read a LOT of books. Sometimes I feel a glimpse of hope and excitement, I think you will too as the days go on. Wishing you the best x

I am just wondering how you are Ginlovinglady? Did you get over your ex?