Help - hoping this is the right place for this. Had a bit of a moment and a meltdown last night. Seriously considering NC with my dad, but not sure if I'm overreacting ? He has some really good points - took us to the theatre, museums and some fab holidays! Did loads of stuff with us, played cricket with us etc - all those good 'dad' things.
However, basically he has always been bullying and controlling. As a child he would shout if angry, in our faces, until he became red in the face and we were crying. We were scared of him and tended to tread on egg shells. He would often throw things across the room in a rage - glasses etc, and swear, shout (F word) from us being a very young age, and beat his hands across his head over and over. Small things would set him off - often road rage, and he suffered from extreme jealousy - especially around my mum (they were divorced, and I lived half the time with her - he was jealous not of her, but of the time I spent with her) - if anyone asked when I was going 'home' (ie to my mum's) they were really in for it! He'd shout 'She's not going home! She already IS home!' etc. He wasn't violent until much later - when his long time partner left him, I was around 17. We argued about something trivial - maybe the phone bill - and I probably gave him some lip! He basically trapped me in his room, sneering at me and pushing me down on the bed over and over again - wouldn't let me get up. I threatened to shout out of the window to the neighbour - he just laughed and told me to do it. I kicked his leg, and ran to the bathroom, he forced his way in and had his hands around my throat - not strangling, but kept my head down on the floor. in the end I managed to run to my friend's house. The only other time -he hit me in the face leaving a bruise - I had to cover it up at school.
Anyway, things calmed down - he apologised and I moved out a few days later to move in with friends. AS soon as he found out I was moving out (I told him when I was at my gran's so he wouldn't kick off) he changed again - really sneery.
Anyway, I now have my own kids, who he adores. But is still so controlling and sneery. When I split with my husband (nasty split - he was a similar character but without the violence) - I had a total breakdown. My dad met with me and basically had a go - said I wasn't a very good daughter, why didn't I see him often enough? His wife joined in. Said all he ever wanted was to see me, and I didn't make enough time for him (single mum - not so easy with all the clubs etc as we all know!!) - again, v jealous of the time I spend with my mum. Couldn't cope with his feelings as well as mine.
It still goes on. He can be lovely - wants to help with my new house, wants to do DIY, really taken to my new partner. But I'm constantly dancing in circles trying to please him. egg shells. Father's day - I phoned him to wish him happy father's day (I had friends round on Sunday) - and had them both round for a meal the following day, with present and card. Just sneered. Wasn't at all complimentary about either food or present, and his wife was the same. Mentioned I was tired (v hot day at work on Monday!) after getting them a drink - in that 'gosh I'm exhausted ha ha' way - she just replied - 'oh! Well if you're tired we won't keep you long!'. That's not what I meant and they knew it! Anyway, after 5 hours of this they finally left. I ended up sobbing down the phone to my mum. Felt so bloody guilty but I don't really know what for?? Maybe because I didn't call round on Father's day?
It just seems a constant circle of sneering at me, having a go, me apologising or it blowing over. It's got to the stage where I don't want to see either of them. Really don't - but there must be something that is a trigger! I've seen him like it with my step mother - but she just 'manages' it. She seems to actively encourage him to think of me in this way - as an awful daughter! Just fed up.
He's lovely to my kids - has them once a week for their dad on one of his days - and is lovely to them, though is starting to be domineering with my older one - disciplines him when I'm there and undermines me. It was noticeable the other day that he was dismissive and sneery of me, yet lovely to my kids.
Trouble is - if I go NC, I know he'll flip, be ;persistent and hassle by phone and text. I can block, but then he'll call round to the house - and that'll end up being a police job. Just can't face it. I know this because my step sister ended up going NC when he split up with her mum, and he didn't deal with it at all. Told me not to speak of her, he wasn't interested in what she was doing - and almost goaded her. He mocks everything she does (we hear of her via her sister etc) - and this is 30 years later!
Any advice?? Just at my wits end. What I really want is for it to just improve. We have tried talking many times - but he just sees that I'm ungrateful and should see him more. They both see that he is a doting dad with an ungrateful daughter, who just 'takes'. I don't want his money or his help, I have enough. Just want a good relationship!
Aaagh - and if you've read this far, thank you! Any advice really appreciated.