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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm sure he thinks everything is ok....but it's far from it!

16 replies

Ilovepeppa · 21/06/2017 10:48

I posted a while back about my H having a ONS, then confessing only because he thought he'd caught something.

That happened in March and we have been in separate bedrooms since. I don't actually think he minds this and seems quite happy in his own room. He's never asked to come back in the marital bed.

I decided I couldn't see past his betrayal as it could have happened before because he works away a lot, so in May I asked him for a divorce. Not great timing though as he had just been offered a big promotion at work so he asked me if I could hold the divorce until he completes his training for his promotion which would be end of July, I agreed as it will benefit me with his pay rise for maintenance for our 2DC.

The following morning however, he asked if we could give our marriage one last try. I agreed mainly to keep the peace until the end of July but knowing unless things changed dramatically, our marriage is pretty much over.

Well nothing much has changed, he shows much zero affection and just not really making much effort in general. We still sleep in separate rooms, but the mad thing is, he seems to think all is ok and seems more then happy to just carry on like this.

I just want out, but I now feel stuck and like I can't ask him for a divorce because he seems perfectly happy, even talks about "our" future.

Sorry for the long post. Just needed to talk about how I feel.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 21/06/2017 10:52

You don't need his permission. Just tell him. Life is too short, seriously! And I'm not surprised he's happy. He's been forgiven and probably cracking on as normal. What do you want?

Adora10 · 21/06/2017 10:56

Why are you giving him the power to decide your future, he's a cheat, you know this, he is not remorseful and will no doubt do it again to you, you need to end this farce, he's comfortable that is all, he's not even invested in repairing anything.

Just do it, who cares what he thinks.

sourgrapes28 · 21/06/2017 10:56

What I've taken for most of your op is that you seem to be more concerned with his happiness than your own! Of course he's bloody happy, I'm assuming you still do childcare/bring in a wage, he gets to live in the family home with family life etc ( I could go on but obviously I don't know your circumstances ).

Nothings changed and he just wants to carry on like nothing happened. Ask for the divorce and make your own happiness a priority.
Sorry if I'm way off the mark but it sounds like you have put his feelings first long enough! Lookout for you and your dc

Original poster

Ilovepeppa · 21/06/2017 12:17

You're all right. I do seem to be putting his happiness first, even after what he's done.

I will wait until he's finished his training, only because the extra money he will get will benefit me, then tell him I want a divorce.

Like you say, life's too short. I've just turned 40 so need to make a fresh start before I get too old.

OP posts:

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 21/06/2017 15:20

...and he will still be having ONSs

BadHatter · 21/06/2017 16:39

He betrayed you gravely. Not many people would want to even try to make it work.

When you agreed to give it another try, what efforts did you make to address the issues that led to the ONS (assuming a partner in a happy and fulfilling relationship doesn't just go and fuck others)? What has he been doing to address these issues? Has the communication between the two of you taken a nosedive?

He fucked up, but you both are responsible for your relationship. He can't be the one doing all the work and more because those relationship issues will still be there...

SandyY2K · 21/06/2017 17:11

I can't ask him for a divorce because he seems perfectly happy, even talks about "our" future.

You don't ask. Just go ahead and file.

He's acting fine because he is already emotionally detached from you. Probably has been for a while.

Personally, I'd file now and because by the time the divorce is through, he'll have the new job anyway and I see no reason to consider him, when he gave f**kall about you in his many sexual encounters. You know it wasn't a one off, or his attitude would be different.

All this time, could also allow him to hide finances too.

SandyY2K · 21/06/2017 17:13

He fucked up, but you both are responsible for your relationship. He can't be the one doing all the work and more because those relationship issues will still be there...

Why assume that there were issues?

Adora10 · 21/06/2017 17:20

He fucked up, but you both are responsible for your relationship. He can't be the one doing all the work and more because those relationship issues will still be there...

We are all responsible for all our relationships and how we behave, this is not for the OP to sort, it's all him, you are victim blaming here when the OP is the one betrayed and shat on.

Yes he can be the one doing all the work, the work he needs to do to regain any trust; otherwise why don't we all go out shagging about, we can just turn around and say well it's your responsibility too.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2017 17:26

As soon as his training is done, simply file for divorce. I wouldn't even tell him about it. He's using your kind nature against you and he will continue to do so. And isn't he clever? Gets to stay in his home, eat meals and sleep in his own room. Works perfectly for him. Are you still doing things for him like his laundry and cooking his meals?

RandomMess · 21/06/2017 17:28

Be careful because by not initiating the divorce now it could be argued that you have accepted that the ONS happened and the marriage continued.

Please seek legal advice as I think you need to serve the petition within 6 months of finding out about the adultery if you want to divorce on those grounds and sometimes these things take time.

Start getting your ducks in a row...

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 21/06/2017 17:47

Random is right. If you don't crack on you will be seen as condoning the ONS. It is considered in the past and of no significance. If you are not careful you will sleepwalk into a situation where he is getting everything in his life the way he wants and you are just facilitating this.

Original poster

Ilovepeppa · 21/06/2017 18:33

Thanks for the replies.

BadHatter...considering H fucked up, it should be down to him to do all the work to make things right. Our marriage was fine, he works away a lot which is when it happened. I sent him off on his trip with a good fuck, so he can't even use that as an excuse.

I have had legal advice and to file for adultery it has to be within 6 months, which will take me to September. But unfortunately it's proving the adultery so probably have to divorce for UB instead.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 21/06/2017 19:56

Hmmm he admitted it, so that's one strike for UB, keep adding to that list and get it filed within the 6 months. Hope you are gathering all your financial evidence.

WeeMcBeastie · 21/06/2017 20:01

I was under the impression that the financial settlement happened towards the end of the divorce process anyway so his earnings at that time will be taken into account. This is what happened with me anyway. It takes a few weeks for the petition part anyway so I wouldn't delay any longer.

jeaux90 · 21/06/2017 21:31

Filing for adultery....that's hard to prove isn't it unless there is evidence.

Aren't you better going for unreasonable behaviour?

If you do a quick search I think the lovely Mrs bettbibbey had posted stuff on that before. I think she's a family solicitor. Divorce and separation threads.

Just file. He sounds horrid. You deserve to be rid of horrid.

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