Leaving my soon to be marriage over MIL

[namechangedtosaveface]

I am 25 weeks pregnant and due to be married next Wednesday.
DP MIL is emotionally abusive and we are always on egg shells waiting for her nest torrent of lies and accusations.

Although I am NC with her it still causes so much stress and upset in our household due to DP begging and pleading with his mum to 'be nice.' He never stands up to her or gives her consequences for her behaviour.

It's made me so depressed and anxious.

DP is driving me to my own mums this evening because I can't cope anymore. I am so devastated this is why our relationship is over, that our baby will grow up in a broken home.

Please help me find some strength.

(Oh gosh, sounded awful - I meant, please look after yourself and your baby)

I so know how u feel. We have exact same problem. Our mil problems are huge and I attempted suicide over her and that side of family so now ss are involved. Dh is trapped in the middle as his mam is his boss . It's a right mess. It's easy for people to say ltb or go nc but it's not that easy in reality. My kids have been affected terribly by mil and bil and there vico us lies about me and how they say nasty things about me to kids. Ss spoke to kids and my kids broke down and told them exactly what had been said . Ss are now going to investigate this emotional abuse and speak to pil. All I want is to be one big happy family but they hate me and iv no idea why ?my mental state is very very bad and it's sll down to them . Now ss are involved I feel such a sense of relief as dh can be told just exactly what damage his family are doing and not just try and sweep it under the carpet. My story is so so so long and it's hard to get across just how bad the situation is without outing myself. Anyways due to my suicide attempt ss have spoke to the children as part of the assesment and what has been brought up is just how toxic the inlaws are. Finally dh may wake up to just how bad things have got and stop trying to sweepnthings under the carpet . I hope to goodness you can resolve things op and il follow this thread for advice also if you don't mind. Hugs op. It's truly awful having toxic inlaws

Everything what your dp says is what my dh says. Iv been with him 19 years and am a shadow of my former self because if his family. Please honey get out now whilst yu can. These men don't change . I love my dh so much and is why I'm still here because he would never ever put me and kids first and go nc. We are different to you in the fact that dh is part of a family run business that gets passed on to the generations so he has that thrown at him constantly his mam says " if you walk away now you walk away with nothing" he has worked since age 10 on the business and why should he leave with nothing and then our son suffers too as he woukd not inherit the business . She has him by the short and curlys. Anyways now ss have witnessed the toxicity and are going to speak to dh and his family . The things they say about me to my children is disgusting they have called me a nutter fruitcake scum of the earth and a waste of space . It's deeply affected my children and iv told dh it must stop. He has a word it stops for a week then the horrible remarks about me start again . The sw was horrified at what my kids told them in confidence xx

He says if i loved him as much as he loves me, I'd be able to tolerate his mother. He in effect, is asking me to live with her abuse rather than he make boundaries with her.

Run for the hills.

And bollocks to his saying "all my heart" because it's absolutely full of his mother. He will always put her ahead of you and ahead of his child.

My husband says all that bollocks too. I should just ignore her ??? This is why iv serous mental health problems

Ignoring won't help. Tolerance won't help. It's not going to change the fundamental problem.

Unfortunately there is nothing that you can do. The only person who can change things is him.

Please stay strong and don't back down

Do you realise you've posted a photo of you both and his name in those screen shots?

My MIL was part of the reason me and ex Dh split. She came before anyone - he would even stand up to his parents when fil hit ds

Just get out of this relationship and stay out.

And don't let him have the child on his own once it's born. Supervised by you or not at all. Don't let his toxic mother anywhere near your baby.

Are you married? Then do not with him to register him as the father and then have nothing to do with him or his mother!

Go now , my mil caused havoc in our marriage and stbxdh didn't stand up at all , eventually after I threatened to leave he did , sort of , basically he didn't fight me going nc and passively (very passively ) went nc himself

But ultimately I couldn't get past it , we had a dc2 but everytime I looked at him I couldn't not see the weakness and passivity

It manifested worse and worse as the years went by and now we are done but after the last few years being unutterably difficult , I don't regret staying as I have ds2 bit don't

It's horrendous and it destroys you

Walk now he will not hanger not really

My stbxdh almost looked relieved when he moved back in withe mil

Hi everyone.
He cried and pleaded with me and I just didn't have the strength to leave. I have no money and nowhere to go really.
He can't see and fault in his mother and is saying she is not abusive.

I wish I could just end it all

I'm so sorry you're going through this but breaking up with him might be the best thing you will ever do!! I had exactly the same situation with my ex and his mother. It was awful and I used to get so upset that he wouldn't stick up for 'us' and put 'us' first and it eventually made me ill. The lack of support and the constantly being annoyed/upset/not put first in his life.
We had therapy which didn't work at all. Then we had imago therapy which was amazing - or just read the book by harville hendrix - putting love first or something like that. And it made me realise I couldn't live my life like that so I ended it.
Best thing ever. Met DH a year later, still friends with ex who still has awful DM and still has boundary issues. He has now come out as being gay - which makes a lot of sense looking back (not saying yours is at all). But truly the lack of support and the putting everyone else first was the most upsetting thing and know exactly how you feel. You will feel so much better alone/with friends than being annoyed and upset with him for the rest of your life. Plus do you want your child to witness you being second best or not put first and then them to have the same life too? Sorry so harsh, wishing you strength! Flowers to you!

Sorry i didnt see last message where you say you have nowhere to go. so my post probably not that helpful.
I saw one earlier where you said you were going to your mums. Can you not still do that? Sounds like she would be more helpful with new baby than him tbh

I have a toxic mother. It is very hard to create boundaries. They work for a while then she breaks them and is nasty again. I have had a lot of therapy for this. I have ME/CFS it's apparently common in people, who had abusive childhoods. She is worse when I'm more ill. My childhood was emotionally abusive. At times physical.

I am sorry you're going through this. It doesn't sound as if your dp is strong enough to stand up to his mother. Maybe this will change once the baby is born. I do suggest you go and live with your mother, try and find peace and rebuild your life. If in the future, he manages to break away, perhaps there will be hope. But you cannot control his behaviour, only protect yourself and your baby.

You will have to fight for minimal contact sadly so that your child is minimally exposed to her. My advice would be to breastfeed if you are able as overnights won't be possible for quite some time. I'd aim to feed perhaps until the baby is 2/3.

This is who he is, there isn't a parallel universe where he's different and therefore the balls in your court. Your baby adds another dynamic to your toxic triangle and given your partner's behaviour, he's unlikely to prioritise his child either.

You have a choice, it may not be an easy one but you do have one, which ironically is the same position your partner is in. Don't repeat his mistake by prioritising the wrong person.

I wish I could just end it all

Hope you are feeling better today. This sentence is troubling. I'm not sure what you meant by it.

I think it would be helpful for you to have a chat with your midwife. It's important for the HCPs looking after you to know what is going on, and she might have some suggestions for resources to help you (counselling, mediation, etc as well as organisations who could help you leave if necessary).