Resentment for DM

[Mocoloan]

When I was growing up I had a very turbulent relationship with my parents - my DF was an alcoholic who was totally uninterested in being a parent and was very emotionally abusive towards me (only child). My DM is someone who was living in denial - as a teen I was always in trouble - probably because I was so unhappy at home - her DF (my DGF) was dying of dementia and she was going through a massive upheaval in her job. She buried her head in the sand alot.
When her and my father split I was 15/16 and it was the best thing that could have happened for me and DM - we built up a great relationship after that and have been very close ever since ( I'm now nearly 30).
However, as I am now pregnant I have been reflecting more on how I was patented, and how I'll be when my DD is born. I have developed a real anger and resentment towards my DM over the last few months. She was really unsupportive of me growing up and even now will make jokes about things like "remember when you tried to run away from home" etc and laugh about it when actually I was extremely unhappy and somewhat neglected - I was 13 for God's sake!!!
We have spoken about things before and I've explained how miserable I was growing up and how awful my father was with me. She always says she didn't realise how bad things were and gets very upset and apologetic. My DM is a wonderful parent and would do anything for me now, but I can't stop these niggling thoughts about growing up and feeling really pissed off and resentful about it all.
I've also developed a civil relationship with my father in recent years too, but that also has bothered me more recently and I honestly think I want to go NC. How do I do this??
Sorry if any of this is incoherent - just feel as though I need to get it off my chest. I've spoken to DH but he had a wonderful upbringing and childhood and although he listens I don't think he really understands just how shit it was for me.

'but I can't stop these niggling thoughts about growing up and feeling really pissed off and resentful about it all'

I have been through the same process with my parents. I think its part of getting older and seeing a bit more of the world and realising that there were things about your childhood that were far from great. You have a right to have your own feelings about what happened in your childhood. There's no magic switch that you can flick to switch those feelings off. There's no just 'getting over it' either

You absolutely can make the choice to go NC if you choose to. There are other options - I'm very low contact with my parents. Other people see their parents more frequently but very much on their own terms.

I highly recommend some professional support for you with working all this out. I was in therapy for several years and it was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Lotta thanks for the reply :) sorry to hear you've been through something similar.
I was thinking about accessing Relate, but wasn't sure whether that's more romantic relationship counselling? I couldn't afford a private counsellor or therapist at this time in my life (saving every last penny for the impending arrival). Have your parents ever asked why you don't see them as much? Have you had "that" conversation?

I think Relate is only for couples counselling. You may be able to get a referral to a therapist through your GP, although of course there will be a waiting list

My parents are very much head in the sand, sweep it under the carpet when it comes to difficult stuff. I used to get lots of guilt trips - 'we miss you so much', 'we hardly ever see you' etc. Of course they almost never visit me. They have visited me 4 times in 15 years (I'm a short flight away and they are fit and healthy and can easily afford it).

I realised over the years that I don't actually enjoy seeing them and spending time with them (understatement), I didn't enjoy our excruciating weekly phonecalls and they just seemed to use any information I shared with them against me, so I slowly stopped doing it all. The guilt was horrendous and I went into very deep grief for a good couple of years. Ultimately though, it was absolutely the right thing. I now see them about once a year, occasional text contact, no phonecalls, and I tell them nothing of any substance about my life. It hurts but its much better this way

BACP are good and do not always charge a small fortune either. I would not countenance NHS therapies as these take an age to arrange and are limited in scope. Remember too that counsellors are like shoes; you need to find someone that fits in with your approach.

You may also want to post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read about the resources at the start of that thread. Toxic Parents by Susan Forward may be a good starting point for you to read; there is a section in there about families and alcohol.

I would also contact Nacoa re your feelings surrounding your alcoholic dad and your mother who was really his enabler.

www.nacoa.org.uk/adults.html

I second the recommendation for 'Toxic Parents' - its an excellent book and I remember nodding at something on pretty much every page!

I'm sorry to hear that Mocoloan. A tricky one, I'd add that some of your feelings/memories may increase once you have your baby. Mine did and thats after therapy, nothing like having your own kid to contrast stuff and question - what the hell? I'd also add the thorny issue of grandparenting. So whilst all these feelings emerge, you may want your child to have a grandparent.

My situation different as in mother was highly abusive. But she somehow blocks it out. No one mentions the past ever in my family. And my mother now pretends she's amazing. I chose to keep her in my life as a grandparent but now somewhat regret that choice. When I speak she literally turns her head away or looks down. She just expects me to listen to her. But my ds has a relationship with her now, she is different with him, I find it tricky to be around her...........

But you are starting from a different point. Your dm does listen and has apologised, which is a good starting point. I wish you luck.

It is understandable that having your own child and realising how vulnerable a baby and young child will be is producing a lot of anger toward your past. I agree that having counseling with an opportunity for a cathartic, safe and private environment to express all your thoughts and feelings freely could be very healing for you. It could also help you talk to and establish boundaries with your mother.