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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to end things with predator senior executive and go NC

26 replies

CarstieLou · 20/06/2017 10:34

Hi I am regular here but I NC for this post as it is a very personal matter.

I have been having an on/off casual relationship with a colleague since December. He is extremely senior in my company (C- suite level) while I am quite junior. This means that there is a major power imbalance, on top of a relevant age gap. I won't go into details, but it is so wrong on so many levels. He is not a nice man, does not treat me nicely at all and I feel like dating him is having a negative effect on my self-esteem (which was previously fine). He is the textbook predator imho.

He essentially uses me for sex at his convenience while feeding me line after line of bs. He does not want me, he just likes to know he has control over me and can get my full attention every time he likes. I need this to be over for my own mental sanity and self-respect.

I tried to end things with him twice already, but every time I tell him we are done he takes it as a challenge and pursues me twice as hard until I give in. He is very a alpha-male, cocky type and loves challenges. Because of this, I am not sure being upfront with him would be the best way forward. He might take it as a challenge and try his best to "win me over".

As I previously mentioned, our casual relationship has been on/off, mostly due to him traveling for business and disappearing every time he is abroad, just to reappear and aggressively chase me as soon as he is back. This time around he has been gone for 3 weeks, which has given me time to collect my thoughts and make up my mind: this must end and I need to go NC otherwise he will reel me in again and again.

He will be back soon and I need to have a strategy in place to handle this. What do I do? Do I just stop replying his texts with no explanation? Do I owe him an explanation? Should I just reply his texts in a professional way but decline his suggestions to meet up? Keep in mind I have to see this person at work every day, although we don't work directly together.

Please help me, I am at loss here. I need to stay away from this man otherwise I am bound to get more and more hurt.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 20/06/2017 10:38

Tell him you're pregnant.

Seriously though, I would keep it civil. Respond politely to his messages but don't initiate any. Obviously never meet up again. It may take a while, but he will lose interest.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/06/2017 10:39

Text him to say "Our 'relationship is over. Please do not contact me outside of work issues again" Then block his number. All of his numbers

Sayhellotothelittlefella · 20/06/2017 10:43

Hi Carstie didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation. It's bad enough being in a relationship like that without the added complication of it being someone from work as well. I think your idea of keeping replies as professional as possible is absolutely the best way to go. And don't relent - even the slightest bit. As an added suggestion, all be it a bit cowardly, could you say you've found someone else?

Loopytiles · 20/06/2017 10:57

No, text him to tell him it's over and block him on your personal phone and email, social media etc.

If he then pursues you through work ICT or personal, it's sexual harassment and you can report him to HR.

Also reflect on why you have put up with so much shit from the nasty loser.

Don't look back!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/06/2017 11:06

What loopytiles wrote. He is certainly not owed any explanation.

I would also suggest you enrol on Womens Aid's Freedom Programme as this could help you move forward as well.

RebornSlippy · 20/06/2017 11:27

I assume he is married?

Just say no, OP. No matter how hard he chases or pursues, the choice is yours. You are setting your self up for a world of heartache here, but you know that.

Send the message, "we're done" and ignore all and any attempts at getting into your knickers from here on in. He'll soon get bored and move on to the next poor sap.

magdaboom · 20/06/2017 11:31

Reborn not married and no DCc although he had a short-term girlfriend (25 years his junior Shock) when we first started seeing each other. He then broke up with her a couple of months ago and announced "now you and I can finally date properly and have a serious relationship" right before vanishing into thin air again.

RebornSlippy · 20/06/2017 11:33

OK, so he has form for being a flake.

My advice stands, OP. He can only get away with what you let him. He won't change. You won't change him. Let him go. Stand firm and move on.

Loopytiles · 20/06/2017 11:40

Name change fail OP.

This is not someone you want to have ANY kind of relationship with.

magdaboom · 20/06/2017 11:41

Right, namechange fail Confused

magdaboom · 20/06/2017 11:45

Loopy I absolutely agree. I namechanged partially because I previously posted about this loser when I tried to dump him a couple of months ago and I was too ashamed to admit that I am still somehow involved with this specimen.

Loopytiles · 20/06/2017 11:47

Oh well, a couple of months on you're now resolved to ditch him and go NC, so that's good!

ofudginghell · 20/06/2017 12:00

I would text him saying you no longer wish to continue the relationship and that your requesting he no longer contacts you for anything other than work issues at work in a professional manner.
If he does try to peruse you tell him you will have no option but to report him for harassment which won't look good on his professional file will it.
Block and move on

InLovewithaGermanFilmStar · 21/06/2017 15:17

I tried to end things with him twice already, but every time I tell him we are done he takes it as a challenge and pursues me twice as hard until I give in.

You sound really distressed OP but it also strikes - as in the bit from your 1st post I quote here - that you also feel (and sound) helpless. But you know you're not helpless, right?

You can just say "No."

You aren't so there must be something going on that you want. Be honest with yourself: do you want to be pursued, wooed, fought over? Do you get something from feeling like such a prize?

You need to have knowledge (of yourself) to have power.

Just say "No." It should be quite simple - but clearly it's not, and you might want to work out why that is.

InLovewithaGermanFilmStar · 21/06/2017 15:20

Oh, and you don't owe him an explanation. Just don't respond to him.

I'm at a loss to know why you feel ANY obligation to him. It's as if you are seeking the drama - for the attention? You really need to work out why you are self-sabotaging.

wherearemymarbles · 21/06/2017 15:36

If you really dont think you can stay away, and he really wont stop pestering you tell him you have herpes.....

Brahms3rdracket · 21/06/2017 15:47

Inlivewithagermanfilmstar is spot on. Too much drama, just tell him to do one and get a backbone.

Dieu · 21/06/2017 15:51

Why did you start seeing him? Was it the power you were drawn to? Not exactly nice for his girlfriend either. I expect he'll give up soon enough, as you'll be one of a queue, and it sounds like he's used to getting what he wants. Stop being a sap and just say no. And mean it. Choose your next partner more carefully, unattached and not at your place of work.

JustArandomUser · 21/06/2017 15:53

If he contacts you again, make sure he is clear that it is unwanted attention and that you will make a complaint to HR if he doesn't let it drop.

Original poster
CarstieLou · 21/06/2017 17:51

InLove your message is really spot on and thoughtful.

I don't have any history of toxic relationships, all my previous DPs were good, respectful and mature people. In fact I was in a loving, amazing and mature relationship for 5 years until last Fall. I ended it because my feelings had changed overtime.

I think this crazy, unhealthy rollercoaster has been a rebound from that stable, mature but sometimes (during the last few years) boring relationship.

I never thought this awful man could be relationship material. In fact I would have never, even for a second, thought I could develop feelings for such a vile person. I thought it could be exciting and trasgressive, but the situation got out of control and here I am Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
CarstieLou · 21/06/2017 17:52

Dieu it was definitely the power, no doubt.

Next time I will hopefully revert back to my usual mature, sensibile and healthy approach to relationships Smile

OP posts:
Adora10 · 21/06/2017 18:32

Do you honestly need us to tell you what to do, it sounds like no matter what a stranger on here says, you will go back, you are addicted to the drama, the rejection and the elation.

Only you can do it OP and you know how to as well.

Get yourself under another man, try that.

AnyFucker · 21/06/2017 18:33

Limerance. Google it.

The only cure is strict no contact. If ypu want a cure, that is.

Loopytiles · 21/06/2017 18:40

Healthy need not mean boring. You're currently in a rut with a sleazy old git.

Dieu · 21/06/2017 22:32

We all make mistakes, OP. It all feels a bit out of control at the moment, and I can understand how it came to that. But just think how awesome it will feel to say 'no' and stick to it. Much better for your self-esteem in the long run. You can do it! I wish you well.

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