Confused about my feelings

[LizzySimmons]

I'm confused about my feelings for my husband and don't know what to do.

I was certain when I married him, but now looking back I realise that he has always had a bad temper and a tendency to flip quickly into a short snappy stroppy mood. If I'm honest with myself I think I glossed over it in the beginning because I so wanted it to work and when he's not in a bad mood he is an absolute delight, caring, considerate, loving, silly etc. It's such a jekyl and hide change that when he isn't being stroppy it's impossible to imagine him anything other than lovely.

We tried for 4 long years for a baby and eventually had success after a third round of Ivf. I think we got lost in it to some extent. It was gruelling. Ruined our sex life (possibly forever) and we came out of it battered and bruised but with a beautiful beautiful son. (I am so grateful for him) and my husband has been so supportive through various illnesses and tough times. We've really not had an easy ride.

He was recently in hospital for four nights and I realised that I didn't miss him. In fact, when he came home I realised I had a sinking feeling and was on edge. It's made me realise how much I walk on eggshells around him and feel tense around him because of his moods. Plus, it made me realise that there is quite a bit of resentment built up in me from having to put up with being snapped at.

We've talked it through so many times and after an initial outrage on his part, he usually concedes and says he'll make an effort, but this seems to be an intrinsic part of his personality and I'm not sure he can change.

I don't want to get divorced. We are essentially a 'happy family' but i'm concerned my feelings for him aren't true. We don't have sex, for many reasons - mainly, it seems I've completely lost my libido - and he never ever tries or mentions it or seems bothered about it. For which I'm grateful, but at the same time I don't feel desired and maybe that's part of the problem there.

He never notices what I'm wearing/haircuts etc and never says I'm pretty or look nice (never has done).

But on the flip side he puts me first and I know he's always there for me.

He's more like a slightly stroppy mate or brother...

Just so confused.

I love him in an affectionate, tender sense in that he's part of my family. Not in a sparky, sexy way. But is this a normal way of feeling? Is it enough? Is there anything I can do?

Hi, I think that sitting down and really having a good chat with him about how your feeling could help, you've both been through alot and obviously that can all take its toll on you both have you thought about counselling? Perhaps try talking first lay all your cards on the table about how you feel. There is hope that your marriage can work at the end of the day marriage comes as kit form not ready made you both have to work at it, you have got a beautiful Son from it so it's not so bad, I'm sure a few date nights will help as well. You will be fine I'm sure.

Thanks mammybear, your words are comforting. I think part of the problem is if I start talking his temper he gets defensive and angry and then afterwards it's proper head in the sand and denial that there's a problem.

What's worrying me now is that this hospital stay of his has brought into sharp relief the fact that I don't want to be around him!

I resent him and that's quite deep rooted now. Counselling may help but he won't do it.

I don't want to feel this way. Maybe I should seek out some counselling on my own xxx

You could do but they would probably want to speak to both of you together at some point, surely he would do just one session with you and try it he doesn't have to commit, you could even try at your local church if you have a faith and even if you don't it's a way of doing it "unofficially".