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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Divorce - need hand holding

12 replies

ineedafriend · 19/06/2017 22:37

My husband cheated on me and I found out about it a year and half ago.
We have two kids.
Since then I have felt vile, resentful and angry. I have tried my best but I can't get over it.
Tonight we decided to divorce.
I can't breathe, I don't have any friends and no family around.
Once the divorce is final, I will have to face family and the society which will be hard (to put it mildly) as everyone thinks he is perfect and I am emotional and temperamental.
I don't want to talk about cheating to people as I don't want my kids to find out.
I need my strength.
I am studying but my mind has turned into a sieve.

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 19/06/2017 22:53

I'm so sorry and you probadly are in shock.

Don't keep it to yourself, share with someone close as support will be essential.Its nor your fault and you shouldn't feel shame.

The children don't have to know the details.
Some people can recover from an affair but I suspect for most people it's too hard.The lies as well as the betrayal destroy trust.

midlifenicethis · 19/06/2017 23:02

Hello,

I am very sorry. Your H has treated you v badly.

I know it seems hard now but you can rebuild you life. Without his (utter bullshit) perfectness you will be free to be yourself and find people you really connect with.

I know it seem insurmountable (been there). Focus on the important stuff for now. The rest can wait.

Take care x

ineedafriend · 21/06/2017 11:22

This morning I found evidence of more cheating which happened earlier this month.

I have put his stuff outside and he is gone now. I have contacted a lawyer.

OP posts:
ineedafriend · 21/06/2017 11:30

I have no one here with me. I hope that you online stranger can help me get through.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 21/06/2017 11:35

How old are your kids?

category12 · 21/06/2017 12:18

Please confide in friends and family, do not keep his secrets any longer. You need and deserve the support of people around you tho.

It isn't a choice between stoic silence and the dc getting all the gory details, there's the option of discreet support.

Later on, you may want to tell the dc age appropriately about why you split, so you don't end up taking the fall and being made out the bad guy.

I'm so sorry you're going through this pain.

ineedafriend · 21/06/2017 23:00

I have spoken with my dad, my aunt and my sister as well as a lawyer.
It feels crazy. Like a whirlwind in my head.

OP posts:
user1498060624 · 22/06/2017 12:22

Oh God this is tough I am so SORRY to hear all this. I think you should talk to people, try calling the Domestic Abuse line it might take you 20 phonecalls to get an open line but its worth it. Try do counselling asap, you need to talk and get it out of you.

I wouldnt care that much if my family/friends know he is not perfect, as a matter of fact as soon as they know who he truly was they will feel for you and open their arms to get you in.

I am a foreigner far away from family and friends and I too go through major difficulties trying to get over a nasty breakup alone with no support. I am not eating and all I do is crying and covering under my duvet, and did I also mention that I am submitting my phd at the end of August and havent been able to study much on a daily basis?

I think its best if you talk to people as much as you can, also write down stuff, it helps a lot! Maybe start a blog? Just get thoughts and things you have lived out of your head it will help your hear a lot! The pain will be there but day by day you will get stronger and stronger!!!!!

I am here for you!x

Loopytiles · 22/06/2017 12:30

Very sorry your H has cheated and it's come to this. You will be Ok. If people think he's perfect they are wrong: the people who are truly your friends will be there for you. People might surprise you🚒Please talk to then.

Get info from his paperwork on earnings, savings etc.

Telling the DC, in age appropriate terms, would be best IMO: there is professional advice out there on that.

mickyblueyes · 22/06/2017 16:02

Go to this site and download and buy her book...it's helped me immensely

www.chumplady.com

leavinghomeintoaflat · 22/06/2017 16:10

Hi Op I'll hold your hand. I'm going through similar. I'm still living with H but moving out soon. It's horrible to be betrayed by the one you thought had your back.

ineedafriend · 25/06/2017 09:57

I am so sorry so many of you are going through the same. Lots of hugs and love to you! Hope we all get to the other end of this pain in good time.

So two years ago he told me that he had slept with a prostituted woman. He didn't volunteer the info but sort of had no way to hide it. I had a positive test for an STI and he had to come clean that I'd gotten ill through sex with him. The positive result turned out to be false positive.the relief of the false positive made me overlook his infidelity and think that we were going to be fine.

He acted up a lot. Very entitled generally.

After I kicked him out he initially said things like:

What we had wasn't great either.
You denied me intimacy (I hadn't slept with him for two weeks, one week I was on my period and he doesn't want period sex).
You couldn't love me the way I deserve 🎻
You wanted to divorce anyway and I gave you a reason.
Etc etc.

Then he started minimising
He loves me huge amounts.
This was an accident.
He only did it because he'd always fancied it up the bum and she said that's what she wanted.

He is now getting an apartment nearby, not going to his job abroad and will win my love and trust. How I laugh at this because I know this effort will not last longer than a week at best.

Meanwhile, I have barely slept. Ate two two egg omelettes and three chicken thighs over last four days. I did have quite a bit of wine.

I have spoken with family and friends. While my immediate family are supportive, there are quite a few people gently pressuring me to take him back. No chance!!!

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