NC mother still tending to my baby's grave - help me understand why!

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Backstory in brief: NC with my entire family of origin due to me bringing up abuse during childhood as my wonderful mother starting pulling the same crap with my own DC. Mother devastated as she did the best she could with me and was only 'joking' with DC. Entire family ditched me as I broke the 5th Commandment! Before complete NC there was a period of 6 months where my mother refused to speak to me as I had the insolence to tell her that I learnt my parenting from her after she told me my ASD son had nothing wrong with him, it was down to my shit parenting. I was barred from 3 family weddings due to this. At our next, and last, meeting she demanded to see my DC as she wasn't bothered about me anymore, just seeing them. I told her she had to resolve things with first so she stormed off. That was 4 years ago. 2 years ago DC1 now an adult, contacted her, and and my siblings, by letter and she did not respond. DC devastated as they were in her life for the first 16 years. I have felt suicidal at times due to the emotional fall out from this.

Anyway, my DC2 died at birth 16 years ago and is buried in a place that is now not local to either of us but my mother persists in tending her grave. I was furious for the first few years by the thought that my mother had ditched her living grandchildren who were upset but she was probably still getting mileage out of the grieving grandmother act. She never knew DD as she died at birth. She ruthlessly took over the funeral though. I sent a letter to a sibling (I'm not allowed to know where she lives) asking that they leave my child's grave alone but they have ignored my wishes.

Yesterday when we went down there, it was beautifully planted up again. No room for us to add anything. She's totally taken it over. I was quite calm about it and actually feel sorry for her. I can't explain it but I think this is the only way she can ease her conscience?

Is she a grief vampire? Mine is and would do this for attention.

Posted too soon. Or trying to reiterate even more that my feelings are worth shit?

She sounds like a grief thief. Some of the worst kinds of people. I suppose the only thing you can do is try to ignore it. It will all be an act for other people. So so sorry for your loss

It could be aggression. She knows it will get to you, and yet to outsiders, of she ever had to justify herself, it'd make you look like you were in the wrong. "How could you be so cruel to stop a grandmother from grieving for her own grandchild?"

It might be conscience. How does that make you feel?

It strikes me that she's trying to communicate with you, and you have to decide how you interpret it and whether it actually changes anything. For me, I think I'd see it is just more of the same old same old. If she wanted to show regret or remorse, she's had ample opportunity to do that in the way that a person who truly cared about you would have. I would not trust it

BTW I am so sorry for your loss. I am trying to put myself in your shoes and thinking what could be done

I think there are two options: you ignore her actions totally, or you set up some other way of memorialising your child that she knows nothing about and cannot spoil. You keep that "safe" from her.

No room for us to add anything

Your baby's grave. You get to choose what is there. You can dig up what someone else has planted and replace it with your own stuff. Put what you dig up onto any nearby grave that looks untended.

In my experience of narcissistic family members, (don't know if your mum is but...) they love grieving and will do it for as long as possible, no matter how much it upsets others. It's always allll about them!

OP how awful I sadly cannot suggest anything although I do like NotYoda idea.

there's nothing stopping you from digging up her handiwork and planting your own stuff.

have you spoken to the cemetery managers/caretakers?
i'm sure they could help you out/advise you in some way.

don't speak to your NC family about this - they want a reaction from you so they can act like drama llamas.

i've never had to deal with this kind of thing before so i apologise if it's insensitive - but is there any chance you could move the grave to somewhere closer to you?
they can't tend to it if they don't know where it is

What an awful abusive woman. Agree with others, could you get your dc2 moved? Xx

I have considered moving it but I cannot disturb her grave, just the imagery is distressing enough.

I had thought when we were there that it was maybe her way of saying sorry and felt at peace with it but I know her well enough that it's more likely to be a 'how bloody dare you tell me I can't do something' kind of thing.

I had a message from a sister late last year telling me to me that no one misses me and the family is happier without me. By god that stung! Then they (assuming mother) go out and buy plants and spend time digging and planting perfect lines of tiny flowers while not knowing if their living grandchildren are OK. Its a massive headfuck tbh!

We had to move away from the town she is buried in as DH was made redundant and cannot go there regularly to tend it but I was of the mind that I would rather it was overgrown that have her hands on it.

Seriously, dig it up and plant what you want to. Tell the plot manager or whoever that someone keeps tampering with the grave.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. If anyone did that to my DCs grave I'd be calling the police. It's harassment in my book. She is doing it to provoke you.

Agree with poster who said to speak to caretakers. I'd also be looking at some sort of legal way to stop her interfering with your DDs grave.

Maybe she is mourning the relationships she would have liked to have had with her family.
Personally I would leave her to it.

I think it's unlikely to be a message or anything for you. From the sounds of it, it's just another thing that's all about her. Your dc2 is the idealised dgc, she can project a perfect grieving grandmother without the messy business of having to think/care about anyone else.

Dont think about it as disturbing her grave but as removing weeds. They are weeds as they are unwanted and are taking over, just as weeds do in the garden.

I'm so sorry. This sounds awful.

Dig up her plants and add your own.

Tell the caretaker that the person who is tending the grave is your mother, who has abandoned her living grandchild. I say this because if you just say someone is tampering with the grave then grandmother appears she will just say there is a mix up "I am the grandmother!"

Your whole family sounds very poisonous, well done for getting away from them.

I know you do not want to move the grave but if you ever decide you wish to, then it may be better for your health to move it closer to where you live and not tell your family.

I am so sorry for your loss.