My poor dad

[Blossomflowers]

I would really appreciate people thoughts on this as want to know I am being fair.
Some background, over the years my dad has always been supportive to my sister and her brood, supporting them financially, free child care and 8 years ago moved to her town and took care of her youngest whilst she she studied and changed career for the umpteenth time. . I could write a book on this. But to the point, my dad has dementia and rapidly going down hill, I try to be supportive but I am not on hand to help. It is so bad I can no longer bring him to my house as it is not safe for him. So I got a text from my sister over the weekend saying he is always asking for money as runs out, we decide to talk on the phone to try and come up with solutions, it turns out that she has taken a £1000 from him as a early inheritance, ( last month) which would be ok but he now has no money, she also started talking about his burial plans and how much it was going to cost, whilst he was sitting there, I was gob smacked how insensitive she was being. I am appalled and have asked her to give his money back, if he wishes to spend money on fags and booze it is his choice, I have also asked to stop talking about his funeral when he is there I I am willing to help as much as I can but pointed out that she has been happy for his help and support all these years and I think is is pay back time. She basically has gone crazy, she can not see she has done anything wrong. She is also saying she is going to tell him that I think her care is crap, this will just confuse him and upset him. She has blocked me after sending me pages of ranting text. She has always been selfish and self entitled but this is a new level. So what would you do now?

Well tbh tho I don't agree with her taking the money, I don't think you are doing him any favours either. You won't have him at your place because "it's not safe for him"(?!) She's doing all the care and your plans are to move to France. You've pretty much opted out.

If he's struggling for money and you can't help practically and can't be there for him, why don't you help financially by paying (some of) his bills or doing his shopping online?

Cat He can not stay here as unable to go up and down stairs, also he gets very confused, last time he was here it was dreadful for him. I can not lives near there for many reasons, mainly because I would not afford to. Financially I will help him I had not idea until the other day that his bank account is empty and had no money And if you read my post you will see that my dad lives next door to my sister and until the dementia was there financial support and child carer over the years for her 5 children, she owes him big time. I will do what I can but I live miles away and work full time.

I have also enlisted my brother to help. Sadly our dad always invested his time and money in her and her kids that is of course his choice and really not bothered with us because he probably feels she needed more help. I will be doing all I can now now I know the facts.

Category12 your conments were particularly out of order and show you have little understanding of dementia sufferers. My late Nan suffered for years and was so confused when removed from her normal surroundings she was a danger to herself. She would escape, get completely lost and be wandering round the town bewildered.

Some kindness and understanding are what's required here, not goady bollocks.

Thanks Brahms exactly. He stayed with me last year for a bit after a stint in hospital and again at Xmas I said never again for his protection not mine..I do not have down stairs room where he can sleep . He also has parkinsons so great difficulty in walking. Stairs not an option

aww your poor nan Brahms god what a horrible thing

Thanks blossom. Really sorry you're going through this, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and your sister is a selfish arse

That's fair, Brahms - I admit I wasn't thinking about the confusion of being out of his home environment.

I apologise, OP.

I do think that because your sister is best placed to offer care at the moment and has started to pay the money back, even if with a poor attitude about it, your best way forward is probably to support that. If she's used to him being her safety net financially, it probably seemed absolutely normal to her to take the money. It's not right, but I can see how she might slip into that way of thinking. She is keeping him safe and content, I assume?

Re the funeral expenses - it is v inappropriate and awful to discuss in front of him, but it probably is a wise discussion to have discreetly at some point as funerals are bloody expensive.

Cat apology accepted, she does try to help. It is very hard to keep him safe, he chains smokes, just wanders off, I also think someone is taking advantage of him and going to look into that when we go to see him. I am going to pay for his funeral and I know exactly what he wants as discussed when he was with us, she has no reason to bang on about it.

I'm late to this op but if you ever need to contact social work, then look up his local authority website and adult care department, there are emergency numbers listed. Can you or your brother contact a lawyer about power of attorney? Your Dad is not in the right state of minds to make these decisions for himself. With power of attorney you can make financial but also care decisions that he is not capable of making for himself. Unfortunately with Alzheimer's there is a steady decline and you might need to have a look at local care homes. I would also be looking into whether he has any alarms or safety devices in his home. He could potentially seriously injure himself if he puts the hob on and forgets about it. Or he could burn himself with hot water. There is also the danger of him wandering, depending on the severity of his Parkinson's. I would want to be present at any meeting about his personal care needs. Especially as your sister seems to be very focused on what she can gain from the situation. Your poor Dad 😢, he sounds like a wonderful man who has gone above and beyond to help your sister! He deserves the absolute best care in his last years!

RE move to France we are some months away yet. I am being forced to sale my house so little choice. It is what it is, I will be going over there this weekend.

Rescue Thanks, that is helpful. He has gone down hill rapidly in the last few months. Ironically my sister works in social care, looking after vunerable families. My dad is lovely and has supported her so much..

So an update. My dad is now in hospital due to a fall, he was admitted on Monday, my sister did not tell me. I am so upset. When I found out from another family member I went straight into see him and texted her to ask why the fuck she did not tell me. Had rambling self pitying post about how hard things are hard for her,she is pathetic. He is unkempt, thin, finances a mess, he is very distressed as not allowed to leave the ward. Anyhow I am now trying to get power of attorney as his finances are a mess not thanks to her. Does anyone have advice how I go about this please?

Here's a good starting point OP, but it may be too late if he is very confused he may not have mental capacity
www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/overview

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/power-of-attorney

"If they've already lost capacity...

If someone's unable to look after their affairs but did not set up Power of Attorney in advance, carers need to apply to the Court of Protection. The court will appoint a deputy to make choices about the person's finances, usually a family member or close friend.

There are two types of deputy: a deputy for property and financial affairs, and a deputy for personal welfare. The court decides whether a person who may have lost capacity is able to make decisions for themselves and if the friend/relative is the appropriate deputy.

The Scottish system works slightly differently. You need to apply for 'guardianship' at the local Sheriff Court – full details at the Office of the Public Guardian (Scotland)."

"How to find a solicitor

It costs £400 to register as a deputy and legal fees can be £1,000 or more (if you choose to use a solicitor). If the court decides the case needs a hearing, you'll need to pay £500 on top of that.

Deputies also have to pay an initial charge of £100 and ongoing supervision fees, which depend on the supervision level. These fees are £320 a year, unless you require minimal supervision, then it's £35. Read the Government's full guide to the deputy system.

Those on low incomes or on certain benefits can get the fees reduced or waived. See the Government's full list of fees.

It can be a long and costly process. Consider using a solicitor with specialist expertise. Try the Law Society's Find a Solicitor tool or, if appropriate, try Solicitors for the Elderly, a network of 1,000 solicitors specialising in issues affecting older people. Ask if it's a fixed fee."

Thanks re info re power of attorney, I think they will deem unfit to make ant decisions. He is still being held in hospital, has a DOMS placed on him ( I think that it what it is called). They are treating him to alcholism which I don't think he is , my sister has not been entirely honest. He has parkinsons and displays similar symptoms to alcohol withdrawel. My sister has blocked me and refuses to share any info, so have asked hospital to make me first point of contact. He is very unhappy and distressed, desperate for his ciggs. I have been there all day every day. Being assessed again by DR today but wondering how long they can detain him?

Why does the hospital think he is an alcoholic?
Alcoholics can develop dementia due to years of alcohol abuse.
Difficult though it may be, I think you and your sister will have to put your differences to one side for the benefit of your DD.
The squabbling will make it very difficult for the hospital to deal with your Dad given that you will be saying one thing and your sister will be saying something else.
Given that your sis is refusing to share info with you, there may well be issues that you know nothing about.
If your sister has helped herself to Dad's money, put that to one side for now while you all pull together for the sake of DD.
Ask them if he can have some nicotine patches to help with his cig withdrawal.
Good luck.

Winged I agree 100% and have said this, I have tried everything and suggest we text and keep out convo just about dad but she has blocked me. They think he is alcoholic because of her, I have been to his local pub last week and had a long converstaion with the landlady who confirmed he was there each day, yes a heavy drinker but drinks a weak beer slowly throughout the( he does not drink at home) His dementia may well be down to smoking and drinking but Dementia is what he has now and that is what we need to focus on. I had arranged for nicotine patches and inhaler but as soon as my back to turned he refuses them. I know the nurses and DR's are over worked but is it very frustrating how I am constantly told conflicting things. Think she has been there about twice this week. Oh did I mention the horrible text from her husband, calling me a lousey daughter, lol well atleast I don't take his last penny and leave him destitute