Hi everyone
I am 43 and my boyfriend is 49. We first got together in February last year however he was pretty non-committal to say the least (always busy seeing his children/working/going out with friends etc) and I recognised that we were both in very different places. I wanted a committed relationship whereas he was resistant to that having a divorce and a failed long term relationship behind him (both involving children). I ended the relationship after 3 months as I felt I was fighting a losing battle in getting any form of commitment from him.
For the following few months he sent me text messages every couple of weeks asking how I was and if I wanted to meet up. I initially ignored the messages however after 4 months of him chasing me I agreed to go on a date. During this date he told me he'd had dates with other women but compared them all to me and realised he'd thrown something good away. We said we missed each other and we would try again and be a "boyfriend and girlfriend" in an "exclusive" relationship.
Initially things were tricky in that we found it difficult to see each other a lot as I have a son and not very regular childcare. Also he was dividing his time between his children in different areas (he's a great dad by the way) and he was working away for a day or two every couple of weeks. We would see each other about once a week at most, which made it difficult to get things off the ground.
There were additional factors including his love of Instagram where he was following women who were half undressed and his lack of communication sometimes when he went away (snatched calls/one line texts). I won't go into every single little thing as there were so many niggles but each time I raised something he did his best to sort it out (i.e stopped following certain women, tried to keep more in contact) At times he would sometimes forget and drift back into his old ways. He said I had high morals he found it difficult to live up to but he said they were the right ones and I was making him a better person (ooh get me!!)
I would say that from around February this year our relationship has gone from strength to strength. He tells me he loves me (which took him forever but I totally believed him when he got there) and we spend more time together, with him initiating this and taking me away for weekends. We talked about buying a house together in a couple of years and we were both very, very happy. We always had a really good connection in bed and think this is what kept us going in the early stages when other parts of the relationship weren't so good.
Anyway, last he week went away on a 3 day work trip to Italy and his communication with me was lacking (i.e he would make a snatched call from a restaurant whilst he was entertaining his assistant and buyers but took no real time out to make a proper call) I then started looking at Facebook at his check-in history and saw that a couple of weeks after we started our relationship in October he went to a bar in Soho. My gut feeling was that it was with another woman so I approached him on his return home and he told me he had met a female friend to talk about business (both are in the same industry). He reassured me that they were friends only, he hadn't seen her since and they had no history of being in a sexual relationship. I believed him but was still annoyed he'd done this behind my back and therefore I asked to see his phone just to check if he was telling the truth.
He gave it to me willingly (which took me back to be honest) and I looked at his text message history/facebook message history/recent calls etc however I saw nothing to worry about.
I gave him his phone back briefly then I asked if I could read his messages between him and his best friend (who is a philanderer - my boyfriend told me that his friend sleeps with about 6 girls a week and basically treats them like pieces of meat. I went mad the other week as his mate was sending my boyfriend naked photos of some of these women which I found absolutely disgraceful. My boyfriend reassured me he told his mate to stop). When I asked my boyfriend if I could read their messages he asked me "when do you want to go back to?" which immediately got me thinking that he had something to hide. Nevertheless he gave me his phone though he was a bit jumpy shall we say, and he asked for it back a couple of times. In hindsight I am surprise he never just grabbed it off me as I was sat right next to him scrolling through!
I started looking at recent messages between him and his friend where his friend was encouraging my boyfriend to shag Italian women when he went on his trip last week! My boyfriend hardly responded so I was reassured there.
I decided to go back to messages in October when we got back together. I read a message that my boyfriend sent to his friend about 2 weeks after we got back together and I absolutely apologise for the foul language in advance but I think it's necessary in this case (sorry). It said:
"As she was emptying my balls in her mouth I was thinking about my date on Wednesday"
I was horrified and as you can expect I went absolutely crazy. He insisted that he hadn't met any woman on the Wednesday as he decided not to go through with it, and the text was just male bravado. I continued to page down and saw that he indeed had met this woman on the Wednesday as there was another equally crude text (describing that she had basically given him oral sex). His mate was patting him on the back for his cheating and they were both texting #addicted
I ended the relationship there and then, after chucking his phone and going crazy and I told him to get out of my house.
Since then, we have communicated through text and talking on the phone and he has said that he is so sorry, he loves me so much and is deeply ashamed of his behaviour. He said the words he used are disgusting and childish. He said that he and his mate were on the dating scene for so long (and sleeping with lots of women) and that that when he got back together with me in October he hadn't realised he would end up falling in love with me (even though he'd fought to get me back for 4 months and we agreed to be exclusive) and that he did it for the thrill of meeting a stranger.
Apparently the woman he met was a doctor who was on a conference in London. He told me they met for a drink, she indicated she wanted sex, they went to her hotel where she gave him oral sex and he left as he didn't want to do anything else. What really hurts is that on the Saturday before his date, we had a night out ands stayed in a hotel and we did a bit of role play where we pretended to be strangers who met on a conference!!!! little did I know he'd be doing it for real a few days later.
He has insisted that it was a one off and that he never did anything else with her or indeed anyone else. He said he feels sick about what he did and that he will take a lie detector test to prove to me that it was a one off and that nothing aside from her giving him oral sex happened.
I've toyed with the idea of forgiveness and trying again as it was so early on in our relationship and he'd made me no promises at that time (he certainly didn't love me) and we were still hardly seeing each other, but then I go back to feeling angry and torture myself with the images of what happened and the disgusting language he used when he was bragging to his filthy mate. Though the more I think of it the less shocking it is - initially I was sick at the words he used, and the fact he was imagining someone else when we were in bed. He has since denied this saying we have a good connection and you don't have that through imagining someone else. He said his relationship with his mate was sordid and recently he's backed off from him which I have noticed on Facebook, though not entirely as they grew up together.
I love him so much and I actually believe he loves me. I have spoken to my friends about it and some say it was early days, men take time to commit, give him one more try whilst others say "get rid".
He told me he was faithful in previous relationships though he said when he and his wife were nearing the end of their relationship he met another woman, and she did the same. They divorced 9 years ago by the way and are good friends.
Any advice on what I should do?
By the way, I have some trust issues anyway from previous relationships and when my boyfriend doesn't answer the phone/or we fall out I get very anxious. I've lost about a stone in weight since being with him and apparently, according to my mum who is always full of compliments, I look anorexic now. I do think though that I am always insecure in new relationships so don't put all of the blame on him for me losing weight. Also my son is happy that our relationship ended I think as the other week he complained he didn't like him as "he looks too old for you mum ... if my mates come round I'd be embarrassed!" (I told him looks aren't everything and he makes me happy!!) I love the honesty of kids ha ha.