Help me find the right words to turn a colleague down gently.

[Fiftyshadesofpurplypink]

I work intimately in a team with 5 others. The nature of the work is often harrowing at times and we're encouraged to bond with & look out for one another. So far so good. I love the job & the kinship it's developed. We've all got to know one another warts-n-all. In the last few months I've realised one of my colleagues is attracted to me. I like him too. But he has a live-in gf. Their relationship has been on the rocks for ages & I expect they'll split before too long. Our group quite regularly meets in twos or threes out of hours to socialise or talk about the work if it's been especially difficult. The last time this happened though I had to draw a firm boundary for this chap. I like him a lot but I'm not about to become anyones bit on the side. All has been ok since until today. I've just had an invite to go out on a drive with him later in the week. I'm really not comfortable with this at all. I do not want to morph into 'the other woman'. At the same time, we have a brilliant working relationship and I don't want to spoil that. He needs to sort out his private life. I'm sure he does intend only an innocent day-trip but I bet his gf wouldn't be happy about it. How do I turn him down nicely & encourage him to sort his life out?

You stop worrying about being nice.

Women are socialised to be nice, to their detriment

You say 'no' (not 'sorry no') 'we have a great working relationship and I want to keep it like that.' Not 'I'd like to'

Don't justify, apologise, defend or explain. dont worry about being nice. No is enough

It's worth pointing out here that getting too close is at best unprofessional and at worst could be a sackable offence. No matter how nicely you say no, there's a risk that he could turn nasty when turned down, and this won't be your fault, though they tend to make you feel as if it is.

Tell him you wish to keep your relationship professional and that this drive would compromise that.

There's no need to turn him down 'nicely' - just turn him down.

Him: want to go for a drive?
You: no thank you
Him: why not?
You: because I don't want to.

Later at work

Him: why won't you come for a drive?
You: Because I don't want to.

That's that.

He is trying to hit on you while still with his girlfriend.

Its a shitty thing to do. And really unprofessional. He doesnt give a shit about the impact on your professional relationship.

Stop worrying about being nice to him.

What does he actually say, i.e. how is his interest actually expressed? I work in a very male dominated field and tend to reciprocate the level of directness 1:1.

E.g. I 'brief' all my new team members on the fact that sexual relationships within the team are strongly discouraged. That's very indirect and normally does the trick.

OTOH, on the occasions where they don't get the hint, I will say outright that I don't, as a matter of principle, get involved with either co-workers or clients. That's direct but still not offensive as it makes the whole thing about context, not them or me specifically.

I wouldn't worry too much about being nice. In fact I wouldn't worry about it at all.

Although it sounds like you would want to get with him if he didn't have a girlfriend. I wouldn't want some bloke who lined up another woman before he finished a relationship. Nor would I want to compromise my job.

If he likes you that much he can end his relationship and resign from his job too.

Just day "no" with no qualifying softening he could pick up on

And for the record, if he does end it with his gf he is still not a good prospect simply for sniffing around while still in a relationship. If he'll do it to her he'll do it to you.

I get the feeling that you'd like to be more so how about something along the lines of: if I were your girlfriend I wouldn't like you asking other women out for a drive. So in view of your girlfriend it'll have to be a no.

But that leaves it open for more wheedling from him. My gf won't mind, it's just as friends etc etc

A firm "no" and don't engage in further justification is required here

A firm "fuck off creep" would suffice

Just reread the op and you say you like him. Don't date him: if you work together it's a nightmare, ethically and logistically. I did meet dh at work but we worked in separate functions of the company. He also wasn't whining for 'a drive' while dating someone else.
He's ready to cheat on his gf, so he's not exactly a fantastic prospect is he?

How did you have to 'draw a firm boundary ' last time? Think of it this way - he's not exactly respecting that boundary is he? Or his Gf? Run a mile, op.

Just tell him that you're not comfortable because he has a girlfriend. That should make everything clear.

I actually tried a firm 'no' at work the other day. Just a smile and a 'no' to an entirely unreasonable work related request. No 'oh I'm sorry I can't because..' just no. Then silence and waited for the asker to speak.

They looked so uncomfortable. I just stood smiling at them without saying anything. They squirmed. I smiled. It was beautiful. And it felt good. I'm going to do it more often.

'no thanks'.

Simple.

I feel quite angry on your behalf.

He's not particularly nice - he's sniffing around while still in a relationship. He's not being a good colleague and he's not being a good partner.

Women are socialised to keep men happy and this one knows it.
As in -'we have a brilliant working relationship and I don't want to spoil that' - you wouldn't be spoiling it, he would be, but you can be sure that he's banking on you not wanting to offend a member of the team as his 'in'.

(By the way, I'd be a lot more measured about his motives if he weren't in a relationship. Sorry, but that fact alone makes him a tosser. He knows exactly what he's saying in asking you for a drive. You know full well his girlfriend wouldn't be happy about it - so does he. Grr).

Don't turn him down 'nicely' and don't get involved in being any sort of 'shoulder of support' for a creep.

Is this by text?

'No thanks, not my thing. Cheers though' will suffice.

No that isn't rude.

Please don't worry about turning him down nicely, he is a complete creep to be setting up a new relationship when he already has a girlfriend. Why would you be attracted to that?

Be aware that he'll probably be a dick about it anyway if / when you turn him down, so keep a diary of his approaches that will help if you need to report him. I'm sadly speaking from experience here.

Ask him what he is cooking for his gf tonight to put out the fire