Would you cheat if your truly loved your DP?

[CupCakes00]

Just that really. Would you really have sex with somebody else if you truly loved your DP?

Having been cheated on by my STBXH, it makes me ask the question.

Do certain excuses warrant cheating like being drunk or it was handed on a plate.

Just wondered what MN thoughts were on cheating.

Thanks for the replies.

I was interested because my divorce has just started going through and sometimes I have a little wobble and think "should I really chuck all this away because he had a drunken ONS"?

But then I think well he wouldn't have done it if he was in love with me, he would have walked away, surely?

Usually people are not 'in love' when they cheat but they still hold a loving affection but haven't left their partner, and are susceptible to having their head turned
People still in love are still focusing mainly on their love interest, not just feelings of affection/guilt/responsibly
This is why love is a funny term. It isn't always what it seems

It's never as easy as blank and white, people cheat for many different reasons and can't be pigeonholed. I believe you can cheat on someone you love. I'm not saying it's the norm, but in some cases, yes.
That's my view too. It's not morally justifiable but I do think in many cases it's more complex than "oh I'll just have sex with somebody else". Otherwise people wouldn't waste their time on affairs etc with people they know. They could just get sex somewhere else.

Humans aren't rational beings all the time.
The line between close friendship and an emotional affair can be blurry. If I was being honest, I can think of a couple of conversations I've had with friends that could have led to an emotional affair. They didn't and the friendship is good. But I think that really opened my eyes to how something like that could happen if the situation was different.

(Just for clarity..I'm not saying somebody who repeatedly screws other people/actively seeks an affair can say they love their partner.)

Tiare your situation sounds awful. I am sorry to read what you are going through. The way your DH is treating you is not the way you treat someone you love. I am sure you know this.

People here though are basing their definition of cheating purely on whether you sleep with someone or not, when actually the affair usually starts much earlier than the point at which you sleep with someone.

People say that anyone should walk away at the point they have the opportunity to have sex, and indeed many people will testify that the point at which they had the opportunity to have sex is the point when they realised the potential of what they would be doing to their partner and family. But actually, the point at which you have sex is the last point. If you get to that point you have already cheated, emotionally if not physically, and there are many people who will say that it was the emotional side which hurts the most.

Many people will say that they ended one relationship before starting another, but in fact that realisation that you have feelings for someone other than your partner is still cheating. Therefore, the question which should be asked is whether, if you loved your partner, you could even develop feelings for someone else, even a crush. It's naive to say no, because we're all human and life just isn't black and white.

I think you can still cheat when you love someone.

When you are settled with someone and have children etc you very quickly get into a content mindset and all the fun of the first dates, the texting, long phone calls, the missing each other (when you dont live together at first) very quickly stop and you find yourself arguing about the kids, washing up, whos not pulling their weight around the house etc...

You stop going out, you no longer have long texting and phone conversations and your mind starts to wonder...

You miss the excitement of when your first getting to know someone, exploring each others bodies, no kids to deal with etc.

So i do think people can cheat for some excitement even when they love their long term partner.

Its very easy to still love someone but no longer desire them once the day to day life sets in

I think you can. I suspect some people are more likely to than others. I think that plenty of people who cheat are in love with their partner at the time and afterwards.

I know men and women who have "cheated" on their partners. Does this mean they dont love them or were they just responding to base human desires?

CupCakes - the real question is not in general, can people cheat, etc...
The real question is - what do you want? What is possible for you?
Can you forgive? Do you want to?

Is it possible to be drunk and cheat, while still loving their partner - I don't know. I've never been drunk.
But - in my observation over years - drunk people are capable of all kinds of stupid things.

Do you want to tell us more about how you feel?

I guess it depends on what your definition of love is and what it covers.
I think the defining thing for me is that even in those relationships where 'there's affection but no longer desire', the cheating party might believe that their love has turned mostly platonic, yet would likely be devastated if the tables were turned. It's very much a taking for granted thing, I think rather than a wind down of love.
Cheating is almost always a deep-kept secret, and that's because no matter how much they might justify it to themselves, they know that having it come out would devastate the other person.

I don't think you can cheat on someone you truly love, no.

You know that if they found out, they'd be gutted.
You know that you're going to lie to them forever more, so your relationship will lose its authenticity.
You know that there will always be a risk of being found out or the affair partner/their SO if they have one, spilling the beans.

Yet you choose to pursue a relationship with someone else anyway.

No. You don't love that person. Not in a way they deserve to be loved.

No, absolutely not. And I know I couldn't forgive either. I'd always thought that I would be the sort to work through an affair, however after a massive to do regarding text messages I now know that I couldn't.

I definitely think it happens. I agree with all those saying it's not all black and white. Cheating is not the ultimate betrayal for some either. Good people do bad things. People can make shitty decisions when they are in a shitty place. Don't get me wrong I'm sure there are plenty who shag around just because they think they can get away with it, but I 100% believe there are people very in love who get themselves into inappropriate situations and make bad choices.

This MN default opinion on cheating is exactly why people feel they have to live up to society's expectations and leave a relationship if there is a whiff of any kind of cheating. I know people who have bottled up secret affairs because they are so ashamed of what people will think for them giving their OH another shot. It's ridiculous. Each situation needs to be taken on its own. Personally, I'd be a lot more bothered by an emotional affair than a physical one for a start...

I totally agree about the shame being a factor in some people not feeling able to say a partner has cheated on them. And I think it'd be a lot healthier if it was spoken about more.

My personal opinion is that if you're cheating then either something's wrong with the relationship or something's wrong with you. And it might be that you're still in love with your partner but for whatever reason looking for something outside. The wrong in it is how hurtful it is to the other person, because you're selfishly putting your own need for excitement or an ego boost or whatever above their feelings. If you're the type of person who does that regularly you're likely not going to be a great partner in lots of other ways too, but it might not mean you don't love someone, just that you're a crap person.

What about mental illness- does that in any way, to any small extent, excuse the cheating? e.g. (To quote exH) "I was very depressed. I was in a bad place, I wasn't thinking straight. And when I started getting well again I realised what I was doing and I stopped it".

I think there are all different kinds of love, different kinds of relationships, but don't kid yourself, whether man or woman, if you cheat on your partner you don't love them the way you should, if you did there is no way you could even contemplate sex with someone else, never mind actually doing it.

What is 'loving the way you should' though? We get told and sold a lot about love as some ideal thing that you write songs and make filns about. In reality, it isn't a constant unchanging thing though is it? It changes all the time and is affected by lots of things - money, stress, family, mental wellbeing, friends, lifestyle. And to make things even more complicated it involves two people who are also dealing with lots of things individually. So I would say it is quite possible that there could be circumstances where someone could cheat despite loving their partner.

No. You can make excuses, I was drunk, you didn't have sex with me enough, I didn't feel wanted, they were too tempting, whatever. You dont love the person if you're willing to go after someone else. You dont love the other person if you're ok with hurting them in any way.

I dont even consider cheaters to be decent human beings, because you always have the option to leave the other person before you cheat. Its not an accident that you landed on some guys dick or your dick ended up inside another woman etc. You did it deliberately and knowingly. If the partner abuses you, leave them. It makes you no better to cheat on them, leave as the better person, then go fuck who you want.

I had every excuse possible to cheat on my ex, and I didnt even love him by the end. But I didn't, because it would make me the same as him, and I am far better. Not going to lower myself to his level just for sex.

I could not cheat on some one I loved - Full stop!! Respect , trust , etc. Treat others how you wish to be treated
However I have been cheated on very recently by long term partner and it bloody hurts !!! We tried to fix but failed ! For some it's black and white for others not
If you want to cheat - be honourable and get out of the relationship !!

Some people will always cheat no matter how in love they are, it's a character trait. Others will love their spouse but cheat because there's no sex or an opportunity too tempting turned up. Cheating doesn't always mean that the relationship is bad or that the cheat doesn't love their spouse.

Especially true with men. They tend to be good at compartmentalising and they often completely separate sex from love and/or emotions.