Kicked the husband out... He's actually left! What now?

[chickadeeandchick]

So I have ended my 3 year marriage today because I can't bear to be in the same room as my husband. He moans constantly, always does what he wants to do, imputes any flaw he has onto me, makes everything my fault and told me he hates me. Oh and once when I felt fat, he forced me to stand naked in front a mirror... Probably to humiliate me. I've asked him to leave on many occasions and he never did. He always said me and our disabled 2 year old son should leave. I'm wondering why has he actually left this time? What makes it different and what do I do now?

What is your housing situation? Are you and your DS able to stay there and afford the rent/mortgage?

Do you know where he has gone?

We jointly own our house. I asked if he was safe via text (he left saying I'd be happier if he were dead) and he sent this beauty:
You have said:

• you don't love you me
• you want me to leave
• I'm being abusive if I stay

So fuck You x

Classy man, eh?

Maybe he's had enough of the marriage like you have.

He doesn't sound like a nice man. Start making a list of what you need to do.

If it's this bad three years in, I'm struggling to see when the good times happened and when he became so awful.

Maybe hes foubd someone else?

Maybe you're both right. He went out to a band rehearsal earlier this wk. sent me a pic of it early on in the evening and then weirdly didn't return until 1am. Pretty weird.

Secure the house so he can't waltz back in. Put keys in the locks or latch the safety chains if you have them. If you are unable to stop him getting in, see if there is someone who can spend the night to help avoid a 'scene' if he returns. Tomorrow, put up safety chains or bolts. Technically you can't change the locks in a jointly owned home, but you can provide for your own safety since you are now 'living on your own', iyswim.

Get all the financial records, passports, birth certs, marriage certs, etc together and put them somewhere where he won't find them, then move them out of the house as soon as you can.

Change all your internet passwords. If you have joint banking, make copies of current balances. If you have a separate account, transfer no more than half the money in the joint account into an account he has no access to.

First thing Monday, get an appointment with a solicitor. If you don't have a bank account in your sole name, get one.

He's not going to be 'nice'. He's not going to 'play fair'. You need to protect yourself.

I just never thought I'd be in this position. But equally, I have never had a moment of happiness with him.

I'm just scared how I will manage. I have an intense full time job and a child with significant additional needs - he can't walk or talk.

He's literally just turned up. Realised my key was in the lock and stormed off furiously, even when I appeared at the window to judge his mood.

Good!!! You've taken the first step to show that you will not be trifled with nor kicked around.

It only goes to show that he thinks he's entitled to abuse you (because that's what he's been doing, it's called emotional abuse), take off for his 'me time' (because he's probably been down the pub or hanging out somewhere), and then swan back in to take a few more shots at your self esteem and/or to have a shag.

You deserve better. You deserve peace and calm in your home. So stop for a minute. Feel the quiet? Notice the absence of tension and fear? Doesn't it feel good?

Contact your GP or your DCs. Ask about support for both of you and extra help for your son.

That should read "Contact your DP or your DC's GP".

If your son has a specific diagnosis, perhaps there may be support groups or a society for his particular disability?

Is your job one where you have family leave? Can you take a few days off to get yourself organized and seek out support?

Have you called your parents/family/friends and let them know what's been happening. You should. They may have seen or noticed more than you realize and if so, they'll be happy to get that call.

He turned up to grab some things. Told me I'm a bitch. An awful person. He said he hated our wedding day and that he didn't think our son was his. He told me I'm thick. Not boasting or anything, but I have a professional job. I'm not. Ugh. Why did he feel the need to do this? Then he said he was calling my mum in the morning to tell her that me and my son are to move in with her!

Key in the door again now from the inside. Ignore what he said, he's just trying to hurt you. Stay put in the house and speak to a solicitor asap. Tell him you and your son will need to stay and he can sling his hook.

Unless he has been violent it is illegal to lock the doors to prevent entry om a jointly owned property. I gather he can 'break the lock' on the condition that it is repaired and you both can secure it afterwards.

So what can I do?

Have you talked to anyone else yet? Family or friends? They often have an insightful but objective view. Keep strong!

It's late for family and tbh, I have no close friends.

Get some sleep! He, I hope, won't be back tonight.

Keep the doors locked. Let him call the police then if he wants in. But he won't. I'm sure he doesn't want to the police to hear about the things he's said and done. He'll find a place to kip for the night.

Are you sure it's too late to call family? If you were my sister/daughter/cousin I'd be OK with you calling me any hour given the circumstances.

I think you'll find you don't have a legal right to prevent him from gaining access to his home.

He hasn't been violent or threatened you.

I have to ask.. With this in mind...

But equally, I have never had a moment of happiness with him, why did you get married?

And of course, let him know he's welcome to do a DNA test on your son.

It sounds like it's been a miserable 3 years of hell.

Sounds like you've done the best thing for all parties

You do though have a right to secure your home. So leaving keys in locks, putting dead bolts and chains on.
Then if he calls the police to gain access you will have to let him in, but it is perfectly reasonable to take extra precautions when he isn't there. And if he kicks up a fuss you can call the police.

Actually, you do not have to move out just because he says so. the house is as much yours as his. He left, you have a disabled child.... why would you leave & let him live there on his own ?
You need to get to the CAB & find out where you stand legally.

Oh definitely don't move out. If you are married it is at least 50% yours and with a child you would probably be seated more. But he may have a right to co-occupy the house.

OP hope you had a calm night. Have you called your family yet? Please, please do.

Even if you've ended up letting the prick back in the house, call your family. This is something 'new' for you and it's going to be 'two steps forward, one step back' for awhile.