DH ending NC with his family

[TathitiPete]

I'm sorry, I'm sure there's a better way to word it but a few years ago DH fell put with his family and went NC with them. It was over their treatment of our first (at the time only) DC. Their treatment of me was pretty crap too and he said he was starting to get a bit annoyed about that and all but then they started on our child and that was that.

Now he's heard that his DM might be sick and suddenly he wants back in. It's all happened so fast!! Personally I don't actually want to have anything to do with them. Also I'd rather the DC didn't either but I know I can't decide that. If he wants to fall back in line that's up to him. If he wants his kids to know their cousins then that's up to him but surely I don't have have to acquiesce, do I?

Ah tbh we'll probably split over this as he will be pissed off that I am not going to play ball. So that makes me even more strongly feel that he can do what he likes but I have every right to stay out. What are everyone else's views? How bad am I for being like this?

I think it was good and supportive that dh didn't like their treatment of you, and great that he went NC over your dc.

However, if his dm is ill, then he will be feeling anxious, and it is not surprising that he wants to be back in contact. It will be a difficult and emotional time for him as he decides what to do and how to interact.

Can you support him and at the same time keep your own boundaries?

I'd focus on enforcing boundaries around the kids. Detach and ignore mommy dearest. But keep your child away/informed.

YANBU to feel that way.

But getting back in contact is a long way from playing happy families, and it's one thing him being in contact and quite another introducing the children.

We had a period of NC with MIL. After a few years DH relented and now speaks (I do not). My only proviso for DD seeing her was that he had to go first on his own and judge her behaviour before he took DD rather than just jumping in with full contact. As it is, DH only speaks to her via telephone so it hasn't been an issue. He knows full well that I will not be reconciling and is OK with it (it does help that she lives some distance away and never rings the home phone).

I guess what I'm saying is, you can remain NC even if he doesn't. It is workable but you have to be on the same page with it, you can respect his need to see his family as long as he can respect your need to remain NC.

His DM being sick is sad, but it doesn't excuse her previous (while she was healthy) treatment of you and your DC. I imagine no apologies have been forthcoming from her? I would quietly remind him of this.

I would also let him know that while you will support him reaching out to his mother, it would not be reasonable to expect you to forgive and forget so you will be sitting this one out. It was serious enough for him to go NC with her, and nothing has changed from where you're sitting. While you don't wish her ill health, you don't wish to see her yourself.

As for your DC, I don't know what to advise. Poor treatment is inexcusable from where I'm sitting. How old is the DC now? Will your DH stop any further poor treatment if they're back in contact? Or will he over look it because his mother is ill ... which would be unacceptable and not on. You need to discuss the conditions the DC will be interacting with their cousins, etc under.

What raptor says. One step at a time. If he wants to see his DM then he can, but without involving you and the DCs. When he feels he has established safe boundaries, he can think about reintroducing the DCs. Remind him what the problems were before, so he knows what to look out for.

Don't put yourself in the position of the one who stops it, be the one who helps him keep it safe.

You need to speak to him and say that you wish to remain NC with them and he can do as he chooses provided it doesn't impact on your family life . I've been NC with my Inlaws for about 22 years but dh sees them , now FIL is dead he sees MIL about twice a week for a couple of hours .Our dc are now 24 & 18 and they are both NC which was their own choice as they got older.

Oh, and just to be devil's advocate, the 'being ill' thing might be a ploy to regain contact (I feel terrible pointing that out).

If he truly went NC because of the treatment of your DC and you, then he has no justification for him to demand that you or your DC have contact/ resume contact. We are in the same situation, we have been NC for almost five years, I instigated going nc with dh parents and ceasing their contact with dc. My outlaws were being abusive, mostly manipulative, coercion,verbal and emotional abuse. When I confided in both my social worker and advocate about the way they were treating our son, I was told by both separately that it was a child protection issue. That shocked me into putting my foot down. My dh went nc about a fortnight after I did, I never stopped him from seeing his parents, I did block them (from phoning landline) and several of his family members who kept calling and screaming abuse at us down the phone . They have his mobile number though!

My dh has decided for his own mental health, for our marriage and to protect our children that he won't go back on that. He has spoken briefly over the years when emergencies have come up, he doesn't know what he will do if they die/ become seriously ill, but he won't force me or the children back to contact. I have told him that I will support him whatever he decides. I honestly would focus on supporting your dh through what will be a difficult time. Has he seen his parents yet? Is this a terminal diagnosis or is it an excuse to real him in? Talk with him, he faces abuse when he visits his family, be it verbal abuse or manipulation in the form of tears. Talk over why you went nc to begin with. Tell him he is a good man, a good husband and a good father (he needs to know this!), they will try to rewrite history with them as the innocent good parents and you as the evil witch who has cast her spell and stolen their son. Look at the way they treated your child. Explain your concerns for you and your DC and also about the impact on your marriage and on your dh. It may be that your dh has a plan. Try to listen first, I know that's hard, especially when you are scared, stressed and worried that contact will destroy everything you have worked for.

Thank you all for your responses, I wasn't anticipating such support so thank you all very much for that . Just want to answer some questions. Firstly his DM might not be ill, she is due to have tests sometime soon.

Raptor He's already brought the DC round. Only got word his DM might be ill on Wednesday, rushed up there Thursday. Wanted to go again today.

BewareOfDragons No, no apologies. I very much doubt they think they've done a thing wrong at all so won't think they've anything to apologise for. They'll paint DH as having overreacted massively and any possible blame will be landed squarely at exSILs door. (ExSIL is DHs brothers ex, they split during the time we were NC).

As for your DC, I don't know what to advise. Poor treatment is inexcusable from where I'm sitting. How old is the DC now? Will your DH stop any further poor treatment if they're back in contact? Or will he over look it because his mother is ill ... which would be unacceptable and not on. You need to discuss the conditions the DC will be interacting with their cousins, etc under

DC are 4 and 1. Been NC since DC1 was 9 months old. DH will almost certainly not stop or even acknowledge any poor treatment of DC. Not because his mother is ill, just because his family, especially his DSis, can do no wrong. There will be unfavourable comparisons between our DC and their cousins. This happened before we went NC and already he came home on Thursday and told me "I know our DC went to Tenerife but theirs went to Elevenerife!" So the one-upping has already begun.

RescuePuppy His father isn't on the scene and there's no diagnosis yet. they will try to rewrite history with them as the innocent good parents and you as the evil witch who has cast her spell and stolen their son

You can still persuade your dh that he should be concentrating on visiting his Mother on his own. He can't have the kind of conversations that he will need to have, whilst looking after a baby and a four year old. Tell him you don't want to confuse or upset your children until you are sure that they have changed/ are no longer abusive/ are not vilifying you in front of him.

Your dh should try phoning first, several times my dh has called his parents (as they had tried to contact him), only for them to run me/ him/ our ds down and remind him why he is nc!

Do you honestly and truly love your dh? Can you imagine not growing old with your dh? I went back several times after huge fall outs with in-laws because I realised that if I didn't let him try, especially when it came to our DC then he would resent me. I hated every single visit! There were always more nasty comments, more interfering and so much more abuse. But in the end this quote whilst not politically correct comes to mind ' give them enough rope and they will hang themselves '. Your dh knows what they are like, time away from speaking to them will not have changed who they are! They will repeats the same mistakes and relive the same patterns as soon as he visits them.

You have options, option 1; you can choose to take the higher ground, be polite but aloof when in their company. Concentrate on the children when you are there and don't say anything nasty to or about his family. This will drive them crazy and they will be right back to running you down/ being nasty/ abusive..... (If you choose this option then make sure to ask for open public places for your first meetings)

Option 2, you stay at home with your children and offer a shoulder to cry on/ a hug/ an ear to listen whenever he returns. Again not running them down, being kind, loving and reasonable (basically the opposite of his family).

Option 3- you stay at home whilst your dh takes your children to meet his family. You will struggle here, it is so difficult waiting at home wondering what they are saying to him/ wondering who is holding your baby/ wondering are your children being cared for/ hearing arguments. You risk demanding to know everything they said and behaving unreasonable and paranoid (btdt!). Or you put a welcoming smile on your face, big smiles and hugs for your children and a 'I hope that you had a lovely time' for your dh.

Unfortunately option 3 is your future if you and your dh split, every time you hand your children over you do so knowing that he could be going there. He won't even have to answer your questions about his family and how they are treating your children. You are also giving his family what they have wanted from the beginning, you out of his life! Is this what you really want?

From what we have been through, I know that it was incredibly hard for my dh to walk away from his parents, sibling and extended family (unfortunately they became flying monkeys so dh cut them out too). I have so much love and respect for him for doing this! No matter how abusive they are he loves them! I know he misses them to this day, I know the love and strength it took for him to defend me and our son and go no contact! He is the bravest man I know and I am so lucky to have him! I would give my family up for him, but it would be so hard and would absolutely devastate me....My dh has been through three lots of counselling since he went nc. It was absolutely the right thing to do, they had destroyed his self esteem and he felt like he truly was an awful son, he believed the awful things they said about him. To the point of being suicidal! Try not to be too hard on your dh, no matter what has gone on he is obviously a good and loving man! He stood up to his family for you! That is amazing! He must be head over heels in love with you to be prepared to go nc with his family to protect you!