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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you make a relationship feel right?

25 replies

Whyisntitright · 17/06/2017 12:19

I met a lovely man seven weeks ago who I've become good friends with. I get on brilliantly with him, can talk to him easily and enjoy his company. He tells me he's fallen for me and is very kind and attentive. I've slept with him three times and it just isn't feeling right despite us getting on so well. There's nothing wrong as such but I don't feel that spar or urge to rip his clothes off, it's just "nice" and not something that feels comfortable and natural. My last relationship was with someone unsuitable longterm but was so passionate, I could kiss him for hours, felt comfortable doing new things sexually with hkm and generally just couldn't get enough of him. He wasn't good looking but just did it for me - his voice, everything about him.

Can these things be forced or would you say lack of chemistry is no go?

OP posts:

Original poster

Whyisntitright · 17/06/2017 12:20

Spark not spar lol

OP posts:

Laura9867 · 17/06/2017 12:26

I'd say it's a no go. Sex should be passionate. You sound more like good friends than lovers.

Original poster

Whyisntitright · 17/06/2017 12:33

Yes, I feel like there should be much more passion. I could turn my ex fully on with just a brush of my hand but this feels so much effort it stops being natural and flowing. I was in a long term relationship before both men that was quite dull sexually so meeting my ex and realising how amazing a sex life I could have really opened my eyes a lot. I want that again. I suppose of it isn't naturally there, it can't be forced.

OP posts:

rizlett · 17/06/2017 12:56

Sometimes though that 'spark' is a kind of flirtation with danger or a feeling that it's not going to last.

Original poster

Whyisntitright · 17/06/2017 13:12

Rizlett, I think you're definitely right. The passion before was helped by being with someone totally different to anyone I'd ever met before. My new friend is great but I don't seem to get that emotional or physical connection in bed with him. He'll kiss for 10 seconds then stop, I'll restart the kissing and he'll again just stop again and lie back waiting for a bj. He is attentive but there's just no seduction, too many pauses while he lies there motionless and I'm almost asking myself if he's awake. Not good. I think he has got used to being with his ex wife for 13 years and doing things in a particular way.

OP posts:

OhTheRoses · 17/06/2017 13:14

You need both.

cupthejunction · 17/06/2017 14:56

Run!
I made myself stay with someone for 3 years, always pushing down the voice telling me that there was no spark because, on paper we were compatible.
I ended up meeting someone who made me weak at the knees and who I genuinely loved and broke up with my DP so he was free to find someone who felt this way about him. I'm now still with weak at the knees man in fact we're very happily married with a baby.
Listen to your gut and save him the pain.

rizlett · 17/06/2017 15:01

ooh... that's not good - a motionless waiting one - so he's not actively trying to discover what turns you on?

Sounds bit selfish already to me - can I revise my original opinion??

Do you think he's likely to change?

thestamp · 17/06/2017 15:25

I'd be off.

My current dp was a selfish sort (sexually) at start of our rs. I was really frank about it, didn't have "talks" about it etc, simply voted with my feet at times. Once I turned to him in bed and said "I don't feel like being a wank sock today", got up put clothes on and was off despite him trying to get me to stay. Harsh yes but he came right within a few weeks. It's wonderful now.

BUT. The thing is we always had stonking chemistry. Even when he was being selfish and not attending to me in the way I was him, the sexual feelings were explosive and irresistible. That's what made me persevere!

You can fix selfish (well, he can fix his selfishness, with prompts from you). You can't manufacture chemistry tho. And without chemistry neither of you will feel fully motivated to address the selfishness.

Original poster

Whyisntitright · 17/06/2017 22:38

Good advice thank you. I love spending time with him but just not in the bedroom. This is the time in our relationship that the sex should feel exciting and new, not a chore.

OP posts:

fedupandnogin · 18/06/2017 07:33

I've been in your situation until very recently. I was with someone who was kind and attentive but, for me, there was no spark (and not just in the bedroom) and before him had been with someone before with whom there was amazing sexual chemistry. I let this drag on for a year and became more and more miserable. I wish I hadn't let it go on for so long.

Mysterycat23 · 18/06/2017 07:42

That's grim OP.

It's only been 7 weeks! Run away

hesterton · 18/06/2017 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teddy6767 · 18/06/2017 07:49

I couldn't be with someone ever again who I wasn't really sexually compatible with. My ex and I ended up having sex about once a year because it was so boring and became a massive chore. It became soul destroying!
WIth my DP we have amazing passionate sex and can't get enough of each other. Plus we're great friends too so I'm sure there's someone else out there for you where you can have both the amazing sex and the great friendship

AdalindSchade · 18/06/2017 07:54

Sexual compatibility can't be forced or created. I would cut and run. I can't be doing with bad sex.

PeabodyS · 18/06/2017 08:24

I think having a passionate relationship can cloud your judgement a bit. I had a two year relationship with a woman who sexually blew me away. I wanted her all the time. However, relationship wise it wasn't as good and it ended. My DW by comparison does not have this affect on me and never has but we click well in other ways and 20 years later are still here. It may not be passionate but it's a good relationship and we connect in other ways. Depends how important the sex side is to you.

fedupandnogin · 18/06/2017 08:33

I agree Peabody. It's a fine balance. I had a good sexual relationship with somebody who was no good as a life partner. And then a good potential life partner or I just had not spark with.

n0ne · 18/06/2017 08:47

I had this with now DH. We got on fabulously but the sex was meh. I stuck it out as everything else was perfect, and sure enough, it improved massively over time. Just turns out he was really inexperienced, but he was a fast learner and is now the best lover I've ever had (and I've had more than my fair share).

If everything else is great, I'd keep at it.

TheNaze73 · 18/06/2017 13:41

I'd get out now. Sounds too beige.

If there's no animal attraction, there's no point

Brightsunshine · 18/06/2017 17:59

I'd leave it !!!!
Guy number 1

I met a lovely man about 10 years ago, we had one night thing, which he loved. Myself I didn't think it was mind blowing. We are both single. And he is constantly reminding me of that night. I don't have the guts to say, it wasn't great for me.
But he's lovely and has been a great guy mate too me.And that's something I wouldn't want to lose

Guy number 2
What can I say, our path crossed by accident.he's in a relationship. And he's very unhappy.
We have not acted upon our attraction, and I won't, not whilst he is in a relationship. Right now we are friends. But when I've been in his presents I can feel the chemistry between us. I think you just get that gut feeling when something is right.
Sex is such an important part of a relationship.

If the passion isnt there now, it's never going to be.

Original poster

Whyisntitright · 18/06/2017 19:50

We talked yesterday morning, he said he was finding the sexual side difficult as it didn't feel right after being with his ex for so long. We talked about why and he said that his ex would orgasm after a few minutes of him penetrating her without the need for any additional stimulation. I tend to need a lot more foreplay and time to relax and much prefer lots of kissing, romping around in bed, side light on etc. One of the things I loved in bed with my passionate ex was the way he'd fling me around the bed and take control a little, no awkward pauses or gaps. He has suggested things might improve but I don't think I fancy him enough to go to bed with him for the rest of my life when there must be someone out there who I'll feel 100% right about.

OP posts:

MollyWantsACracker · 18/06/2017 20:12

Sounds like a) he's on the rebound and b) he's going to be rubbish in bed for the foreseeable.
Why was he comparing you to his ex??

MollyWantsACracker · 18/06/2017 20:12

The chemistry has to be there. Everything else can be sorted.

Original poster

Whyisntitright · 18/06/2017 20:15

Molly, he had struggled to keep his erection and said he hadn't had the problem before, that's how the conversation came about.

OP posts:

Worrynot1 · 20/06/2017 11:01

I tried with my ex I loved the relationship and the times we had , but I could not find her sexually exciting, although I totally loved her. We should have been perfect couple and we had some fantastic times. We plugged on for three years, her finally and very nastily dumping me by txt. My current partner we can't get through the door without ripping each clothes off.

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