So my exH and his new wife are having a baby ...

[BossyBitch]

I get along with and really like both of them and I do feel happy for them, really. So why am I so desperately, desperately sad then?

FWIW, I really don't want him back. He's great but we're utterly incompatible and when I broke it off a big part of the reason was that I just couldn't envisage spending a lifetime with someone I was already no longer in love with after just 7 years (much as I did and continue to love him in a non-romantic sense). We basically managed the perfect textbook amicable divorce, have stayed genuine friends and help each other out with both personal and business matters regularly. We may have been kind if a shit couple, but, boy, did we ace our break up and subsequent divorce!

I'm now 35 and single. No DC, though I would technically like them - just not on my own! Had two MC while still married (which I handled quite well despite the obvious sadness), so maybe that's part of why I'm so very upset now. I have a very good career, six figure salary actually, and technically have no reason at all to be unhappy with life. I do suck at the whole romance thing, though, having literally not met any man I even wanted a third date with since the divorce.

TBH, I have no idea why I'm so very upset, but I really want to be curling up in a corner and bawling my eyes out. Which is also not actually an option, seeing as I'm on a flight to a 3 week training course shortly.

Not sure what I'm even asking except maybe: how to I stop feeling so utterly miserable?

MrsExpo, thanks so much! And I'm sorry that happened to you. Not being able to have children yourself must have made this a whole lot shittier yet. I really hope things worked out for you in a different but still satisfying manner.

I'm afraid I'm really not good at the actually letting go and crying my heart out thing - flip side of being the most together person on the planet. It makes me good at managing everyone else's crises but kind of crap at dealing with my own. I tend to cope by vigorous denial.

Also, financial independence in a woman is apparently quite intimidating to men. I've had several of them tell me they couldn't date a woman who makes more money than I do.

I've heard men say that too, but it's their insecurity.

Men like being in control and having power. Money is power and they feel a woman having more than them is emasculating.

It's a very archaic view, in this day and age.

You need to meet a better well to do class of man and who won't be intimidated.

Do you know someone recently told my niece (22, with a masters), not to proceed on to a PhD until she's married, as men would be scared and intimidated by her education.

Crazy isn't it. When will we ever get real equality.

OP, the plus point here, is that you ended the marriage. It wasn't what you wanted, he wasn't what you wanted, so you did the right thing.

That's completely ridiculous! Of course she should get her PhD (unless she doesn't want to)!

I may have to start hanging around the business class lounges of airports in the hope of finding an eligible bachelor who's more successful than me. But then he'll probably be a Tory voter and I don't do Tories ... gah!

... oh, yes, I'm told men also don't particularly appreciate women with a twisted sense of humour. Double gah!

Can i just say that you sound fabulous op! If i were an eligible bachelor I would definitely be interested in you, although obviously not a tory voting eligible bachelor.
The way that you are feeling is totally normal, i think its just the thought of what could have been and all of the what ifs.

Thanks, cereal!

Not feeling all that fabulous right now, TBH! And, yes, I realise it's normal to be mourning my alternative future, so to speak.

Really stressing about the fact that I'm due to be on a flight tomorrow and won't be anywhere near anyone I actually know for weeks. A good bitch/whine/wine with friends sounds like a really nice thought just about now. A standard issue hotel room in a nondescript business hotel ... not so much. The whole bloody place is white going by the pictures on the website. Even the bar is white. Not really the place for a lonely Friday night 'fuck this shit, I'll get really drunk and publicly sob into my drink!' episode.

People get really offended when I say that (even though that's what I did), but you do not need a man to have a child...(just saying)

You can have IUI, IVF, there's sperm bank, there's adoption...

I think a family model has changed A LOT and we should take advantage of it :-). If you feel the time is running out and you want to have a child, why not?

If you are worried about not having support over the next few weeks on your course, keep posting here and the lovely support network that is MN will help you through.

That's lovely, Badger, thanks a lot. Currently stuck at airport waiting for very delayed flight. Laptop is checked in due to new restrictions and I'm having a bit too much time to think. Two more hours of this and my currently well managed cosmetics buying addiction may rear its ugly head again ...

As for going it alone, I'm completely aware it's possible - just really not sure I could do it. I don't really have much family support and my current job wouldn't allow for it. You can hardly take a toddler on a business trip now, can you? It'd mean changing my life completely, and I do actually love what I do. I'm great at it and very passionate about my work. I adore my team and, yes, even my boss, believe it or not. I'd have to give all of that up and would feel utterly terrified that I'd regret it. Can't possibly do that to a child. My mum wanted to study medicine but had me very young and ended up teaching instead. She doesn't regret having me buy feels remorseful about her career choice. It's taken me quite a long time to not feel a tad guilty. Wouldn't want to do that to any child of mine.

You wouldn't have to give it all up. You can be a high flying career woman with a child and a nanny.

Hey. I just thought I'd check in and see how you are feeling.

And I totally agree with Jen, no reason why you cannot have it all.

Sometimes even the very best and right decisions are not made without some sense of regret. It's natural to contemplate forks in the road and wonder if you made every right turn - but only because at every fork we have to leave something behind. It doesn't mean we are worse off - just that we don't accumulate the good things we have now without having to let go if other things. If that makes sense? Hope you feel better soon OP.

I need to introduce you to my sister Bossy .

She is a single mum with a high flying career. She had already split from her husband when she found out she was pregnant (ironically one of the causes of tension was struggling to conceive, which he solved by getting an OW pregnant ).

At 36 & divorcing she knew that the pregnancy, although not the best timing, might be her only chance to have a baby so made the decision to go it alone as best she could.

It did involve DN being in nursery for long hours from a young age and then moving on to an excellent childminder (who had actually been DNs keyworker at nursery before becoming self-employed). DSis doesn't travel abroad so much now for work, but has done over the years. I'm sure it was never that easy, but the childminder became a very good, well trusted, friend who would mind DN over night sometimes & also DNs godmother would sleep over at DSis' home with DN sometimes.

There was no family living close enough to help.

DN is 14 now & is a lovely, confident, well adjusted child. No-one can pretend it's easy, but there are lots of single parents like DSis around proving that it is possible.

Good for you, OP. It's not odd at all.
As for the online dating, it's them not you!

Argh, missed a page! My post was in response to this:

"Also, financial independence in a woman is apparently quite intimidating to men. I've had several of them tell me they couldn't date a woman who makes more money than I do.

Oddly enough, that's a deal-breaker for me as well - albeit for entirely different reasons: I can't deal with someone who's either so misogynistic or so insecure that this would bother them."

Thanks for checking on me, everyone. I'm actually doing well and have been way to busy for a major identity crisis, which I reckon is actually a good thing.

As for online dating not being me: I'm hoping that applies equally to offline dating: I might have just successfully performed a truly MI6-style self-extraction out of some guy's hotel room (long story; I was sort of tricked into going there). My not-fucking-men-I'm-not-that-into skills have truly reached level legendary!

As for my ex having a baby and not me, I'm kind of okay now. I'll give it a couple of years; there's not that much time but I could still find someone I actually like. Admittedly, if my luck doesn't improve that might be rather unlikely, but, hey, who knows? Still an option to go it alone at 37 ...

Glad to hear you are keeping busy. You do have time to either meet someone new or go it alone.

When I split with my ex and found out at a later date he had got his new partner pregnant I was crushed as that was one of the reasons we parted. He decided he did not want children and I really did.
I decided instead to do lots of fun things and live life to the max. While I was doing this and loving my life I met my now husband and a few years on we are trying for our first baby.

Life turns around quickly sometimes. Stay positive and enjoy yourself.