Feel as though DH treats me as part of the furniture

[Shabbydresser]

This is it really.

His free time appears to be spent with friends. He's more bothered about arranging a weekend away with them than a weekend away with me. His hobbies seem to take precedence, even over an important birthday.
Feel hugely resentful.
He buys me flowers weekly but out of habit and just dumps them on the side for me to put into water rather than hand them over to me. This is the most loving gesture he gives. We hardly have sex. He doesn't prioritise sex at all if life is busy, he's just far too busy for it and far too busy for me, he thinks this is ok. He doesnt get that you prioritise your relationship EVEN when youre busy. He goes to bed later than me a lot of the time.
I don't feel loved, valued, appreciated. I don't feel we are a couple, I feel like I'm just something else that belongs in the house.
We have tried counselling. He worked at it for as long as we were there, but everything just stopped when we werent. I don't want to leave my life, my house, my lovely part-time job (all I would have to do if we separated) so I don't know the answer anymore.
I'm his first relationship. We have DCS. I think he may be on the spectrum and doesn't know how to function in close, intimate relationships. The counsellor also alluded to this privately to me. His relationship us falling apart and he just carries on as normal, tinkering around with his car, playing football, watching Netflix as if all is well. I've told him I'm hugely unhappy. He was bothered at the time but has since appeared unphased.
It's this constant tit-for-tat too. I try not to get drawn in anymore. But for example DH was loudly eating a packet of crisps whilst watching TV and I literally could not hear it through the constant loud rustling of the packet. Asked him to be quiet. Within 10 minutes he's found a reason to tell me to be quiet. It's draining. He can't take the slightest criticism. It's constant point scoring. I just want there to be a bit more love and kindness here.

How can I make him realise that I am not tolerating this anymore? I need actions. Words are wasted.

I don't know what to say, but didn't want to read and run.
Hand hold
Life is too short to be so unhappy. I hope you find this whether it's staying with him or leaving x

If he's capable of giving you want you want during counselling, but stops when the counselling stops, it sounds like he thinks everything is fixed and he either doesn't realise or doesn't care that you need it to be ongoing. What do you do to try and encourage emotional intimacy between you?

I think you need to do some serious thinking. If he's not going to change then you either put up with it, lead essentially separate lives and hold on to your current lifestyle (which doesn't sound like a viable long term option for either of you) or you accept that a new start means a new home/job and new opportunities and find someone who has the same priorities you do.

Thank you. I think I'm reaching the end of my tether.
Today I told him that I refuse to look after the DCS for the whole of Sunday just so he can go off and immerse himself in one of his hobbies again for 14 hours. He replied "just because you have no life and no friends to do anything with."
His perception of me is grim. I began crying and he began mocking me for "turning on the water works"
I can't do this anymore. I'm so sad.

Didn't you do this thread recently?

Sorry OP but he has very little regard for you. Can you really see this ever getting better?
I do believe actions speak louder than words. My ex was awful to me and I used to constantly tell him either I was leaving, or I wanted him to but it was just words, and he never believed I meant it. So, it didn't matter what I said he didn't care. He is now an ex and I reckon he is regretting that now!
You need to make a decision about whether this marriage is worth saving and stick to it. You deserve way better than this.

Well that was very cruel and hurtful.

Start building a life without him, book childfree time on the calendar because you have stuff to do.

I think it sounds like it's over tbh.

I think it is too RandomMess.

I don't know where to even start with separation.

Is there somewhere you can go for a few days to clear your mind and decide how to proceed?

One thing you need to realise, is that you can't change other people. You've tried counselling and he's decided that ultimately, he's happy as he is and doesn't need to change.

If you don't want to leave the marriage, you have to find happiness in other aspects of your life to compensate for it

You need to find interests of your own. Take up a night class, or use online resources to develop an interest in something.

Join a gym or go for a swim and sauna once or twice a week.

I don't mean to sound hurtful, but it can be perceived as you being boring if you don't have any interests of your own.

It's never a good thing to rely on your spouse for all of your happiness.

I'm sure if you start developing outside interests, you husband will suddenly find you a whole lot more interesting and want to know what your new interest are all about.

Be more than a wife and a mother. Find who you are as an individual and claim yourself back.

He does sound self centred and that's unlikely to change.If he has aspergers he's unlikely to be able to change.The weekly flowers I can relate to..behaviour which he believes he should do.It may help you to read up on ASD.Tony Attwood or Eva Mendes.
Ultimately you cant change him, you can only change your actions and reactions.
As a first step make a list of some activities you want to do and schedule them.However if you are seeking intimacy and a relationship with teamwork it's unlikely to be with him.

How old are the children? Is it worth living a superficial life for a lifestyle? Only you can answer this.

I have my own interests, u don't indulge in them half as much as DH, but I do things to keep myself busy and meet up with friends. DH just goes to the extremes of regular full days, weekends away etc. It's all too much. Also I don't want to have to start doing the same, just so I can prove to DH that I have interests. I also have a family and life changes when you do, I don't think I need to over-indulge in interests just because DH does.

Are you putting all your eggs in one basket? You sound dependent on him for your own entertainment.

don't want to leave my life, my house, my lovely part-time job (all I would have to do if we separated) so I don't know the answer anymore

Would all that really happen if you were to separate? Or is this just mere supposition on your part?. I would suggest you now seek legal advice re everything to do with the finances etc so you have more knowledge. After all knowledge is power.

Is this the model of a relationship you want to be showing your DC, that this loveless marriage is their norm too?. Just what are they learning from you two here?.

This counsellor as well was in no way qualified to make such a pronouncement re your H re he possibly being on the ASD spectrum. And what if your H is not anywhere on the spectrum, you have to consider that possibility also.

What is he like to people in the outside world, he probably comes across as quite plausible to them.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Have you stayed to date simply because of the lifestyle and your own inertia? Your children would rather have a happier mother than what they are seeing and living in now.

"Dependent on him for your own entertainment?"
What? No I genuinely just don't want to be lumbered a soul child-rearer and would like some enjoyment in my weekend too. If he was to go out for a few hours, so that I too could have a few hours to myself, fine. But a 14 hour shift is relentless when there's no break whatsoever and I work all week. Atleast if we separated, DCS could see their Dad every week which would atleast guarantee me a break each week!!!!

What do I get out of this relationship now? The material things I listed above. Some company, someone to talk about the DCS with and laugh with when they're being funny. Someone to cook now and then, someone to take the DCS on day trips with, someone to go on holidays with. On an emotional level? Nothing.

Life is too short and why should you waste your love on a man that is apathetic to making you happy, fuck the nice house, and the nice cars or whatever, I'd much rather be in a small flat and happy than have to suffer the constant feelings of rejection, what is the actual point.

Has be there for you in difficult times in the past?

I think there is an now such an obsession/competition amongst some people to achieve in hobbies but its at the detriment of family life.I see it in work, often men are praised for extreme challenges but I tend to think of the family time that they sacrificed in the process.Its fair to set yourself goals but if it impacts your family or relationship then it's an issue.

His comments to you could be defensiveness (I am trying to see some positives here!) but if he doesnt change his behaviour as a result of your conversation he doesnt care for your marriage..His comments over your tears could be seen as contemptuous and a marriage can't survive in that environment.

I think if it's a phase and he has in the past been supportive you might get through this but sadly it feels like he doesn't want to invest in the marriage.

Do you ever arrange date nights or spend quality time alone with him?

That would possibly help to try and reconnect, because once the emotional bond in the relationship is gone... Plus the sex and physics side is lacking... It might as well just be a co-parenting arrangement.

Hermonie: I have to agree about the hobbies thing: it's like how much can we fit into our already hectic lives?! Other than my relationship, I'm quite happy. I meet with a friend on my own atleast once a week, atleast once a week see friends with DCS, but usually twice, I sometimes swim, I walk the dogs, I paint, I blog, I love doing the gardening, I see a business coach once a month, I started up my own business at christmas which I work on in addition to working, I read tons of psychology books. I don't feel the need to be doing any more than I am already.
In terms on date nights. We're long past that phase. I felt like our relationship line manager declaring out date nights and talk nights and sex nights. It's soul destroying when the other person just wants to play golf, watch Netflix and scratch his balls.