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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

10 years of gaslighting

15 replies

Duchessgummybuns · 17/06/2017 03:27

First of all I need to say thank you. I've been lurking for a long time, and reading posts covering topics similar to my situation gave me the courage to stand up for myself once and for all and demand the truth from my husband that I've always known deep down. The reasons he went mad at me for touching the phone he's always been glued to.

The first thing he told me, is years ago he was fucking our mutual friend. A girl he told me not to worry about, she had a boyfriend at the time. She befriended me, sat on my sofa with me drinking wine, babysat our daughter, and up until 12th of May this year was still texting me if she was feeling sad or ugly for reassurance. I always had a feeling, but he was adamant it was all in my head, just my depression and anxiety making me imagine things.

Yesterday he bellowed that he cheated on me in my face while our 7 year old daughter was on my lap.

He told me then it wasn't in our bed, wasn't when our daughter was in the next room. A day later he admits those were also lies. It went on for 18 months, he told a mutual friend he was going to leave me for her but when I ask he says he was undecided. Because that's so much better. But I'm the bad guy for not believing other things he's trying to tell me about other girls, when he would need a time machine for a lot of them to be true because the facts don't add up or make sense. He shows whatever face he thinks people need to see, and I believe he is a sociopath. He told his best friend that it was me that was cheating on him, which is a total and utter lie.

This is already ranty. There's so many others and so much shit that has gone on I can't possibly post it all and although my life is imploding at least I know I'm not as mad or paranoid as he tried to make me feel. Im seeking help, and can move onwards and upwards with my beautiful daughter, thanks to whom I can say at least 7 of the past years weren't a total waste.

So thank you again. Reading the advice on this site has possibly saved what's left of my sanity x

OP posts:
thestamp · 17/06/2017 04:18

What an awful time you have had. I'm glad to hear that at least you have found clarity and strength of a kind... But how dreadful that you and your DD have suffered like this. I'm so sorry!

What are your plans? What can we help with x

Naicehamshop · 17/06/2017 06:38

What a nightmare, but the only way now is up. Flowers

HildaOg · 17/06/2017 10:35

Always trust your gut when the evidence is in front of you... What a bastard and the so called friend is no better...

Duchessgummybuns · 17/06/2017 16:58

This is what I'm up against. Not sure what point he was trying to make. I think he's got his lies so twisted up he's confused himself. Poor poor little scumbag.

I want to keep our daughter away from him physically until he seeks professional help. I've told her any time she wants to speak to him she can but it'll be via FaceTime and I'll be listening. I know I'll have his family on my case but I'm going to protect my daughter because I couldn't protect myself.

I'm feeling a bit better again today. Funny what smashing things can do!

10 years of gaslighting
OP posts:
HildaOg · 17/06/2017 17:06

The best think you can do is cut him out. Don't engage in any more conversations with him. The relationship is over and it's time to move on. The only communication you need is regarding your daughter. Unless he's violent or otherwise damaging to her there's no reason to keep them physically separated.

Bumshkawahwah · 17/06/2017 17:17

What Hilda says. You can't negotiate or communicate with someone who is lying,or not telling the complete truth. It doesn't sound like engaging with him will be if benefit to you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but glad you are getting some kind of truth - enough to be able to leave without any doubts.

Duchessgummybuns · 17/06/2017 17:22

Yesterday he threatened suicide. I don't think he's stable. Sorry to drip feed but I keep forgetting what I've already written. He's been sectioned before for the same thing and has numerous mental illnesses. That's why I'm keeping them apart for now. If he seeks help then I won't stop him seeing her, with my friend to mediate.

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 17/06/2017 17:23

Are you leaving him, OP? Has he left the house?

(Also, I think you've left your DD's name in the screenshot you posted).

HildaOg · 17/06/2017 17:26

In that case you're absolutely right!!!!

Duchessgummybuns · 17/06/2017 17:37

I told him to leave. He's gone and I have his key. He collected his stuff today while I was out. He's being "reasonable" again now and yes, I am only going to contact him now when I need him to do something. He has said he will transfer the rent agreement into my name, and won't fight me on anything. I hope that's true. I have an appointment with CAB next week to hopefully sort out my finances because he used to control them all even though I asked numerous times for it to be more transparent for me. I'm still worried he'll go back on it though.

Sorry again if I wasn't clear before . I'm a bit all over the place to be honest it's been a rollercoaster since Thursday morning.

OP posts:
Duchessgummybuns · 17/06/2017 17:43

Thanks for the heads up about her name. Can't believe I missed that when I was editing. Never mind. If I'm outed I'm not remotely ashamed. I supported him through his numerous crises for 10 years and did nothing to deserve this.

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 17/06/2017 23:34

Well done, Op! Onwards and upwards Flowers

SandyY2K · 18/06/2017 02:27

Block his family members from contacting you and do not open the door to unannounced visitors.

Duchessgummybuns · 18/06/2017 14:58

It turns out this happened during a period in which my mum was seriously ill in hospital. He keeps telling people I didn't give him enough affection - I just can't believe anyone could be such a selfish despicable prick... let alone someone I married Sad.

I'm kind of up and down still. Can't eat but I've slept a bit. I sometimes get this feeling that perhaps it's not that bad, even though I know it is? I don't know if that makes any sense to anybody. I might phone the emotional abuse helpline when my DD goes to sleep tonight.

OP posts:
TaggySits · 18/06/2017 15:09

I have nothing of benefit to add, but wanted to say how much I love it that you've obliterated his name with a cock! Grin

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