Going round in circles

[user1495487816]

DH and I have been together 10 years, one pre-school child.

Over the years we've had our ups and downs as I'm sure every couple does, but there seems to be a cycle of us getting on great and having a good time, and then it all going downhill.

We're not big arguers or fighters, we don't have shouting matches. But there's an air of passive aggressiveness I suppose - silent treatment, sulking, from both of us. I hate confrontation so take myself away from anything that might turn into a fight. I also know I blame myself for every problem, and will be the first to apologise, even if I know it's not really my fault.

Right now, we don't talk. Not really. He gets home from work and stares at his phone while putting whatever sport he wants on the TV. He basically ignores our child, but then gets really cross at them over little things. He's got a really nasty attitude with them, and I hate it. I've tried to stop it, but he just goes off and sulks if I bring it up.

I am a SAHM, I do all the cooking and 90% of the cleaning. He never clears the plates after dinner, even when I'm sorting out our little one for bed. We used to share these tasks; we'd agreed that his work day and my work day were even - yes he's bringing home the cash but I've been keeping house and entertaining the child all day!

I just don't know how much more I can do of it. We don't have sex, that's down to me more than anything because I'm constantly shattered. And I'm not entirely sure I'm attracted to him anymore.

He claims to be my biggest supporter, but it all comes out as sort of backhanded compliments, and I find myself doubting everything.

I'm not saying it's all him - I've reached a point where I'm not interested in the things he's talking about, I struggle to make time for us as a couple. I don't like him hugging and kissing me at the minute.

I don't know what to do. Chances are it'll all pick up again in a few months, but I don't know how many more times I can go through this cycle.

I have no money of my own, and I'm struggling to find a job as we can't afford to put the little one into nursery full time. Money is a constant bug bear because I have no say in it. I have to ask for money for shopping - and as much as DH says it's all "our money" he's got the purse strings and spends like it's going out of fashion. I've had to spend money I was given as a gift this month just to feed us.

I have no family around, no real friends as we're in a new area and I don't know what to do.

Sorry I think that leaving you like that with no cash is abuse, especially if he is spending on himself and leaving you without money to cover food etc. I would look for one of the women aid advice lines? and see what they say.

Did these cycles start before or after having your child?

Do you have a joint back account or do you have to actually ask him for money?!

Are there any mum groups you could join to meet other people?

I would strongly recommend that you get a job, any job and join lots and lots of groups so that you start to build up a social network. It doesn't matter if the cost of childcare cancels out your earnings in the early stages - it will get better as you progress and it is essential for your independence and self esteem and social connections.

You are too dependent on him. Once you have built a more independent life, you'll feel stronger and happier.

He'll start being nicer to you when he sees you have options. They always treat you worst when you are entirely dependent upon them. That doesn't mean you have to stay with him, though. If he's too shitty for too long, you can walk.

We had a few rough patches before we decided to try for a baby. One not long before which was pretty bad - I think DH likes to think of himself as not a jealous person, but any time I get involved in something new he closes ranks. Back then it was to do with the job I was doing, lately it's been about something I've been working on (not getting paid, but has the potential for income in the future, but it's something I'm very passionate about). He says he supports me in it, but there's a definite air of him not being keen.

Getting a job is easier said than done at the moment. I've been looking, but we don't have the cash to put the little one into nursery beyond their free hours, so initally I'd need something that would fit around their current hours.

I spoke to DH about me hating asking for money, and he suggested setting up a standing order - so rather than me actually seeing what money is going out and trying to figure out how we're getting more and more in debt (although none of it has my name on it), he'd rather just set up the amount for our weekly shop.

I think I'm just going to try to start sorting my own life out as much as I can - still looking for work, and trying to get my social life back (something DH isn't too keen on either). I've been working on things that will help with my CV (it's rather lacking).

I can't see us getting through another one of these dips, they're getting worse every time.

You shouldn't have to live like this.
Have you looked into what you would get towards childcare and living expenses if you left him and set up on your own?

AdalindSchade

I wouldn't even know where to start. I've no family, or real friends who could put us up locally until things were sorted.

I'm not sure the local council would do anything? It's not like he's being abusive or violent. I'm guessing I can't just rock up at a job centre and say "hi, I've just left my husband, can I have somewhere to live?!"