DH MH issues and don't know how to keep going

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Hi, firstly, I feel liken a bit of a car crash at the moment and all my feelings are jumbled, so I'd appreciate any advice or points of view/help really.

My DH was at the Dr for being depressed then stopped his meds (don't know what) because it made him foggy. He was offered to be signed off work but said no and stopped CBT. He's now been referred elsewhere because they've said he's clinically depressed.

I feel like I can't get through to him and am frustrated he's still volunteering twice a month on something he needs to do about 16 hours worth of work for each session. He works full time but still also uses his energy to see his friend a few times a week for coffee/chat when working from home (having a long lunch with flexi time). So he has the ability to do things, just not do CBT workbooks through the Dr or visit the gym which he said helped him.

I'm frustrated because my brother took his own life a few months ago and just existing is tiring me out. I'm extra concerned about MH issues (keep worrying everyones going to do this and leave me) and still trying to deal with my brothers Drs to get information on how he was being treated. My DM lives on the other side of the country and I'm also trying to emotionally support her. I always wanted DC but thankfully we have none at the moment (can't see things improving enough to ever get them)

I do everything at home too. DH wanted a cat which I stupidly agreed to so that's another set of dishes to wash/pet to feed/litter tray to clean. I know the cats not that much extra work but it's another thing I get up and do. We also have a dog only i walk/feed.

I'm so sorry that DH is ill but I'm sad about my brother, also have a busy day job and have to do everything at home. To make matters worse DH is getting investigations into a lump on an organ to see what it is (but it's growing and we can't help but think the worst and panic what with how sad we've been recently) so it's really hard to speak to him.

I dont know what to do or how to move forward. I'm stuck in a life I don't like and I can't think of how to change this or make it better.

I'm very sorry about your brother.

Would you like to split up with your H?

Is he good to you?

Sounds incredibly stressful.

How are you taking care of yourself? That is how you take care of others. Please take time out for you.

I'm sorry about your DB
You're trying to do too much and taking on too much responsibility.You sound stressed and anxious - are you receiving any support?
tbh it sounds as though you need to pare everything back.
Rehome the cat. Step back from trying to 'fix' your DH. You can't make him prioritise his health but you can make it clear you aren't going to enable him in being cavalier with his MH.
Counselling might help you. You're dealing with a lot of issues - bereavement; stress; relationship problems. Try to find some space for you.

P.s. So awful what you have had to go through with your brother's suicide.

Thank you for replying.

I do love and really like my DH. We don't really have sex but I did understand that it was to do with his MH issues so I've not 'pushed' him on it since he told me about them. I don't want that long term but I do totally understand that whilst he's getting help.

I love him but feel like we're mates. I've 'given up sex for him' and do everything at home. Logically I think I'd be better off alone. But I love him, wish I could fix it, and (also with my logical head on) don't know what I'd do on my own. (Don't want to go back to home town/where DB died)

It's just dont know what's reasonable for mental health, I'm resentful of how much he takes, but then again I'd do anything yo get DB back and don't want to contribute to someone's MH issues.

So sorry about your DB.

I don't think what's reasonable for mental health is the point here. You only get one life and you sound really and understandably miserable.

I think the question is what are the prospects of this situation improving and how long do you feel able to live with it.

Your brother's death makes it very complicated emotionally but it doesn't mean you have to avoid having frank discussions with your DH about his mental health or putting down some boundaries.

I'd consider discussing how unhappy you are and how important it is for your relationship that he seeks and pursues proper treatment. I'd also let him know that it's not on that he does nothing around the house - depression is not a get out of jail free card and he finds time for his own priorities.

I'd be inclined to let the hours spent volunteering and time spent seeing his friend go, they sound important to your DH and you can't get into micromanaging him.

I've been there.

Many men like this who can't do anything suddenly find a reserve of energy they never knew they had when their servant er, girlfriend/wife leaves them.

He's experiencing learned helplessness, and your lack of boundaries is deepening it. People who are experiencing learned helplessness often feel extremely depressed and do nothing to come out of it. They believe themselves incapable because people keep picking up the pieces for them.

My dh suffers from depression. Initially he refused medication, support groups and relied heavily on me. It was exhausting and frustrating and l couldnt continue that level of support. So l began to say lm sure you will sort it out. And disengage. Believe it or not he went back to doctor and began taking medication..When he refused to go into hospital for the treatment he needed l said thats your decision but l took the dc and moved to my dms. He was in hospital by nightfall.
This is a bit like addiction...
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it
The more you step back the more he has to step forward and take responsibility. If you do the worrying ..he wont.
Its in his hands and you need to look after yourself. Im so sorry about your brother . Could you get counselling for that and to help you decide what to do about your dh.
I had ongoing counselling while my dh was ill as you need support outside the situation.
Finally you are free to decide you cannot stay in the situation especially if he refuses help. And if he takes his own life..which he probably wont..it wont be your fault. But l know that emotionally that is too far for you to go at the moment.

Oops, wrong watched thread, sorry!

Thank you all so much for your replies. It sounds a bit pathetic and I don't mean it to sound like a pity party but it's made me feel less alone.

Whilst DH was out last night I made a list of all chores I do daily, weekly, fortnightly (and the ones that should be done), then a list of one off jobs. i just wanted DH to see what I do as I get up before him to fit everything in. He's read it but not said anything yet.

He got really cross over nothing at the shops this morning so I said that wasn't ok (he said it is, so I said I'd meet him at the door), then at home I said how him getting angry did affect me, even though it's not at me. (Shouting in the car about other drivers or swearing under breath about someone being slow at the shops-everyone gets cross but it's an awful lot)

Whilst shopping I also kept saying how I didn't know what was in the cupboards e.g. He'd say 'will we get coleslaw' and I'd say 'I don't like it' but he'd be really asking -do I have it? Did you get for me? I like it.

At home we spoke more and I did think about what fightthebear said about how long we could live like this. He didn't openup (never does unless he's broken right down if I ask something that really has affected him) but we did chat about not reducing the term of our mortgage when we renew the deal so we can free up money to do up the house as it's very old fashioned.

We're going to the hospital on Wednesday to find out what the growth on him is and what treatment they'll do. His whole family has been affected by cancer so we both just worry. I guess it's because the consultant said he'd tell him the results AND talk about treatment whereas everything we read up on benign tutors said they'd be left alone on this organ. So anyway, that ramble of mine was just to say we're a bit worried and always a bit close to being upset at the moment.

Oh sorry, me talking about chores and shopping, it was just to say I did take on board I don't have to do everything and I was trying to distance myself from jobs.

Then when I did walk away whilst he was showing a socially unacceptable amount of anger about someone being slow I hoped that was me making inroads to being a bit less accepting of all his behaviour e.g. Oh but he's so ill.

OP, you need to stop making excuses for him. Whether he is worried about a health issue or has depression, it doesn't mean he can shit all over you and you take it. He sounds a lot like my DH so I do empathise with you. I stopped taking responsibility for him. Made him stand on his own two feet. I no longer am his verbal punchbag. I'm much happier now.

I think that sounds like it's quite a positive step. You've put down a boundary and when he carried on, you walked away. This is the first step of you stopping him playing the "I'm illlllll" get out of jail free card.

In the short term while you're both worried about the health issue, would it be an idea to not get into any really heavy discussions or make any decisions, until you both know exactly what you're dealing with?

Remember the old advice - put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. You come across that you are a bit of a rescuer and you feel responsible for huge amounts of emotional support - to your mum, to your H, plus trying to find out the circumstances around your DB's death. It's simply not possible for one person to be able to give that amount whilst getting nothing back. Please take care of YOU first and foremost and prioritise your mental and emotional health - otherwise you'll have nothing left in the tank for your DM and your DH.

And by the way, it's completely unacceptable for all the housework to fall to you because he's depressed - if anything, taking some responsibility for his surroundings would help his depression. But right now might not be the best time to fight that battle.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I guess we're just gritting our teeth and waiting until Wednesday, but then, no matter what it is, we need to make things better at home.

I was really scared of coming off as a total cow for saying 'DH is depressed and I want him to pick up after himself', now I've thought about it, it's only fair he still does everything an adult should do.

I totally get comments about micromanaging or bring cross about his hobbies/volunteering/meeting friends, I just meant he had energy for those things but not tidying. Or didn't do something I condidered was productive (like the gym which might help his mood), but those things do help him and I encouraged him to join his work gym again. He felt fitter which even if exercise alone didn't help his mood, getting stronger and slimmer certainly did. Hes said that after Wednesday he'll look into it, so I think that makes sense.

I've had quite a few people say counselling would be good for me, so I think I should look into it. I get a few free sessions with work so that'll be easy to get started with. I'm just down about a few things, so I always thought I'd not know where to start. Or id say 'DB's gone and I'm sad' but of course I'd be sad, so I didn't know what it'd achieve. But it's free so I'll give it a go.

It's really kind that you've answered so thank you. Oh and also, when you said about 'bring a rescuer' or 'you can't save someone' I think that makes a lot if sense too. In general I feel incredibly guilty about my brother and when I try to step back I do see it with my feelings to DH too.

Good luck for Wednesday op, I hope it's good news.

Counselling seems to work (for me at least) because talking about how you feel helps you organise and understand your thoughts & feelings. It also pushes you to dig a little deeper. It can be really helpful with the right person.