"Managing" exh behaviour

[Strawberryshortcake40]

I'm starting to lose the plot and need to know how to manage his behaviour to stop it damaging DC further.

He now gaslights the DC the same way he used to me. Manipulates, controls, basically makes their lives as unstable and lacking in routine as he can.

DD has a mental health issue, she is seriously ill. Her therapy team are well aware of his issues and desperately trying to get her better despite his undermining her and them at every turn.

NC is not an option as they think the drama that will cause will make her more ill, something that can't happen.

Example, I have to make a decision on schooling for her. Every option I come up with is knocked down by him but yet he insists he is involved! He will happily run down all the choices in front of her when she isn't mentally capable of handling that.

So I need suggestions from anybody who has learned to deal with someone like this whilst protecting their DC.

You've got to stop engaging in discussion with him. He wants to be involved in choice of school? Fine, tell him to email you and then go on and make the decision. If he wants to challenge it, he can take legal action.

Never, never have discussions with him in front of your dd - that's a hiding to nothing.

It's harder to control how he treats her during contact. The best hope is to have a neutral third party present, but it can be hard to make that happen.

I don't have discussions with him in front of her! And I do email him, so it's in writing, he will then pass messages on via the DC or discuss it with them.

He will involve them. I don't.
Example he telephoned me when he had DC to say one of them needed to come home to pick something up. I agreed a time. He came round and tried to discuss something with me. I said what was it he needed to pick up, he denied ever saying it. DD had been in car at the time and she confirmed later he had said that! Mind games all the time.

Okay, got you now, that wasn't clear from your original post.

I would never discuss anything in front of him! The only time we ever have a conversation together is in front of the therapist (family therapy for DD) where basically he will make himself look like dad of the year.

nightmare!

Well you can't control him or what he does so all you can do is focus on supporting your DD. Can you just block him on everything and refuse to engage with him at all. TBH i have done that but these types just don't let you do that either.

Hi OP, no words of wisdom for you as I am experiencing a similar thing. My DC's are a bit younger I think than yours and no mental health issues. But my eldest was sobbing a few days ago that he got super angry with him and said bad words. I need to tackle it with him, but well, I guess I am a bit scared of his response. He was emotionally abusive and very erratic in his behavior. We aren't married, so no divorce proceedings to go through.

I don't want or feel that he shouldn't see them at the moment, but the way its going I will have to stop overnights. Its not easy. Just wanted to say you are not alone.

The trouble is I can't block him as he is supposed to be involved in her care at present which is a nightmare and basically involves him demanding to know everything but doing what he likes. Last week he wanted to know exactly what she is supposed to eat now (she's anorexic). So I sent a detailed plan from the dietician. Did he follow it? Did he fuck. But if I don't reply to this kind of thing he will tell the dc how crap I am at communicating (his words). Yet his communication skills involve things like failing to tell me when a medical appt was cancelled until I got there. Apparently my fault because I didn't reply to an email of his earlier in the day.....

I would seriously consider blocking all methods of communication and stopping contact for DD saying "at the moment I believe a complete break is in her interests whilst she recovers" he will take you to court etc and you can co-operate but it may give your DD the break she needs?

I can't. Her therapy team believe the trauma of that kind of thing will make it worse. Their aim is to get her better and help her reduce contact with him afterwards.

I just have to deal with him until then!!

I think you should get legal advice. He isnt acting in dds interests. He is EA. Do you keep a diary of all these incidents. Is contact court ordered?

Yes I keep note of them. As do her therapists. So it's all logged.

When is the last time you discussed something like a 6 week break from him with the specialists? Perhaps it's time to at least revisit the discussion because he is deliberately doing the opposite around food to what he is supposed to?

Last week I talked about NC/break with the therapist. She said she feels it will ignite him and that DD cannot stand a court case etc. She's working really hard to help DD cope with him and to give her strategies.

How batshit crazy is it that my DD needs to be taught that :(

I can see their issue, his behaviour is such that as long as he feels mollified that everyone thinks he's great and is doing a fab job it all goes smoothly. But it's very hard to not lose my rag with him when he seems to be making things worse.

Awful isn't it.

Does your dd want to see him?

I can see the therapists' point of view but, at the same time, it sounds a bit like they are enabling the abuse.

Legal advice might be useful. You have every right to stop contact if you believe this is in the best interests of your dd. Maybe, could you suggest supervised contact, and tell him he'll have to take you to court for any contact at all if he refuses this?

The more I think about it, the more I am sure that teaching a teenager (ANY teenager! ) strategies for enduring abuse instead of walking away from it, is very, very wrong.

She does because in her words she still loves him but knows she has to accept he isn't a good dad. Stopping her going would mean letting her younger sister be exposed to the behaviour alone.

Yes there's a fine line between managing it and enabling it but I do agree with them. If he's thwarted then he won't stop at anything I doubt to get his own way. Regardless of the damage he does to them.

I currently am making plans to move which will help create some boundaries but I need to get DD better first.

It is wrong. I agree. But really at the present time until she is a bit better she really won't be strong enough to deal mentally with the stuff he will do. It took me a very long time to leave him, just sadly it caused such damage to the DC in that time :(

And she wants to love him and for him to be a good dad. It's so hard watching her battle with that as well.

I recently read Penelope leach's 'family breakdown' to see if she'd got any useful tips having read her baby book when DCs were small...and was just raging by the end. Her main thing seemed to be that research shows kids in contact with both parents after separation do better therefore you should try really hard to keep contact up. What it doesn't seem to factor in is that maybe just maybe the ones that didn't have contact were the ones that got dealt a shite hand in the first place by one of their parents being rubbish, and maybe just maybe they do worse because they've always had that to deal with. I guess sometimes maybe the animal biology that is within you is a good guide to what to do? If you feel you and DD would be better away from him, maybe that is a good instinct. We're descended from mothers who got these decisions right.... I'm not saying that instinct is everything but it is a voice worth listening to. But then you also hope the professionals dealing with your DD know what they're doing. Gah! Massive sympathy for you with this. In the end you can't control what he does. Is there anyone else he'd listen to? His mum or dad?
Do you feel overall he's a bonus for her?