Feel let down by new husband

[Ducky12]

My husband and I have been together 8 years - we were married recently but I've just found out that both he and his family were keeping quiet about something on our wedding day which would explain why half of them avoided me!

His brother booked a wedding abroad after a whirlwind romance, and they booked it right when we'd been looking at booking ours (they knew this). They then expected us to push our wedding out til later in the year - instead we brought it my forward but it meant that they were quite close. Because of our wedding and honeymoon and limited holiday available at work we were unable to go to the US for theirs and they've not been happy about this and have made that clear.

Anyway, we came back from our honeymoon and my husband admitted (after I twigged) that we'd paid £250 for them to attend our wedding (1hr away) and paid for their stay at our hotel. We stayed at home on our wedding night because we couldn't afford a room. I'm gutted that my husband did this behind my back but also that half the people at the wedding were told not to tell me.

His family have been a nightmare throughout our relationship but he is always desperate to placate them and it's massively affected our relationship. I now don't want to see them because I feel lied to on one day that was meant to be special for us.He says they just made him feelawkward so he thought he'd try and make it right. Am I being really unreasonable?

Well I think it's a bit much to cut contact with his family over this.i assume you won't cut contact with your husband over it but he was the one who did it and who was responsible to tell you.

Why did he pay though? Seems strange.

YAB a bit U. It's understandable that you're annoyed but if he told you it would have ruined your day. His way wasn't ideal but it avoided what could have been a much bigger problem.

I think at this point you need to put your foot down and make it clear that you always come first and this sort of thing will never be ok in the future. If you're going to have children you have to stop them meddling now.

Regardless, what's done is done. Get your anger out, move on, don't let this ruin your marriage. Set clear boundaries and have him stick to them.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I would be upset, too. That being said, what's done is done. I suggest that you let it go and work very, very hard at figuring out a way to manage your husband's family. Don't let issues with them destroy your marriage, because they can. Is him paying for your brother-in-law's hotel room really the hill you want to die on? Just take a deep breath and let it go.

What kind of batshit logic is that?

"You can't come to our wedding abroad so you have to pay me to come to yours?"

I would be pissed off too, especially if you had to go without.

Would you have been able to afford to go to theirs anyway? (ie whether you had your wedding or not)

Tbh I'd do my best to forget all about it. Your husband was probably trying to keep the peace.

When is he going to start putting you first? So instead of staying somewhere special to celebrate you had to make do? I'd be beyond furious. It's your DH however who's the problem. What's he going to do moving forwards?

So you never got to stay at the hotel of your wedding but they did?
Your DH is the unreasonable one!

I am incredibly angry at him, I think he was trying to keep the peace with them in a ridiculous way. I've very much made my point clear that he needs to put me somewhere on his list of priorities as he's so often trying not to let his family down that he let's me down instead. He has just had a lifetime of "having to look after the family" and he will do anything for them not to think ill of him. I'm angry at him but I'm angry at them for taking it and keeping quiet too - if that was me I'd turn the offer down if it meant having to be dishonest.

We have 8 years of money-related issues with various members of the family - I suppose I was just hoping it'd stopped. We've nearly split a number of times and every time it has been about supporting people financially when we can't afford to. I suppose more than anything I just feel sad about it all. I would never expect him to break contact with them but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to see them and not say anything. To me the biggest problem is that we never confront the family about it, we pretend it's fine then argue between us.But he will never say a word to them.

Can you sit him down and very calmly tell him that his people pleasing has become not just a problem, but a deal breaker if it continues. I'd add in that perhaps it would be kinder to end things now, as going through life with a husband who has no concern for the emotional, financial or psychological wellbeing of his wife is a future that you choose to reject completely.
You can't carry on like this OP. Its an impossible situation. Set out your stall, be clear, calm and purposeful when you state your case and be prepared to stick to your guns.
If you don't (and I suspect you won't, given the years you've put up with this situation), he'll continue down the same well worn path.
He needs a massive wake-up call and you're the only one who can provide it.
Good luck.

He's spent eight years putting them before you, he went behind your back on your wedding day, again them against you and everybody but you. You're right to be angry because he's not behaving as part of a couple. It's him and them against you and it always will be.

Decide now. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him and them against you, never being an actual couple because they're always first (and against you) or would you prefer a relationship with an independent person who respects you and can treat you how you want.

You're entitled to be angry but he has repeatedly shown you he's a spineless wimp who doesn't even consider you when it comes to them. That's not going to change. Accept it or move on.

YANBU. I would be absolutely furious if I had spent my wedding night at home but paid for some ungrateful in-law to stay in the hotel. I would probably avoid family occasions for a while too.

YANBU!! That was your wedding day. That hotel room should've been yours. They first expect u to change your date as it inconveniences them and then have a fancy hotel room on your wedding night forcing u to stay at home. Sorry no they're out of order and they have no right to hold a grudge against you. And I definitely wouldn't be impressed and would cut contact until they all apologised and ideally booked u a weekend away to make up for the lies and hurt they caused on your special day

Thank you guys, this is one of those subjects that goes round and round in your head and that you feel you can't really discuss with anyone other than the person who is involved.

He is really weak when it comes to his family, he was put in a position of being 'dad' at a young age and that feeling of responsibility has never gone away. But I feel like as adults we should be able to talk about these feelings he has of being responsible. Unfortunately his family are completely unresponsive when it comes to dealing with anything and just seem to keep these cycles of lying, keeping secrets and taking advantage of one another. I put up with it because I know it comes from a good place on his part BUT I agree, it has to stop from his side, he has to stand up to them and be on my side, us hoping they'll become more responsible doesn't seem to be working.

My thoughts (for what they're worth!)are that when someone has been 'made responsible' from a very early age it becomes part of who they are not just something they do. Much less something they do just to annoy thier partner. If this is a dynamic that has existed for a very long time in the family it isn't as simple as just saying 'stand up for me against them', or certainly not without causing a major rift, which i'm guessing he (and you?) wouldn't want. My dp will and has on occasion been 'on the side of his family' over me (though no where near as seriously as your situation). I think being furious and reading the riot act only puts your husband firmly in the middle and makes matters worse. His family are your family now too. I found that instead of having two sides with him in the middle, joining him there helped. Unless they are truly awful people of course.....

I agree with this, he doesn't do it to piss me off, he does it to make them happy and this is all rooted in childhood issues that he can't help. But his not moving forward and confronting any of it just means that it keeps happening and the only people being hurt are me and him. He is in his 30s and continues to be impacted by the behaviour of members of his family - I've been supportive where I can be but this just feels like a kick in the teeth - I suppose because I figured our wedding day was the one day I was supposed to come before them. It's not a healthy relationship for him or them but the difference is they benefit financially from it so they don't see it as a problem. And it doesn't help that I come an opposite kind of family so I find it hard to relate to the way he feels - we are always honest with one another as a family but we always move forward, they are just stuck.