Hi all
I’m turning to you all for some advice, you have helped me massively in the past and I think it will also help me to clarify my thoughts by writing this down. Apologies in advance that this is going to be long. Have NC for this but been here years so please don’t out me if you recognise me.
Ultimately I’ve found myself in a situation within my relationship where my partner and I are getting married very shortly and I have severe, nagging doubts about this man being the one I want to be with for the rest of my life . We’ve been together for 8 years with one DS who has additional needs, both physical and ASD. He had a very rocky start in life with lengthy hospital admissions and I think this brought me and my partner very close. DS adores his dad and is a very sensitive, beautiful little boy who loves his family unit and I think if I tell myself the truth if it weren’t for him I’d have left years ago.
Our relationship at the start was a bit of a whirlwind, we fell in love quickly, he was very funny, attractive, and at the start he was very charming. Contraceptive failure led to me becoming pregnant after only a year together. As 2 adults in our 30s with our own homes and jobs we were happy to go ahead with the pregnancy and he then moved in with me.
The phrase “when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them” resonates deeply with me when I think back to my pregnancy. It became more and more apparent he had problems with drink and to a certain extent, drugs (cocaine). He went missing on several occasions throughout my pregnancy, as in, not coming home from work on a Friday night and finally coming home the Sunday night having been on a bender and switching off his phone, after I’d been out my mind with worry all weekend, phoning the police, hospitals and so on. This became a pattern whereby he’d do this, apologise profusely when he sobered up, promise it wouldn’t happen again, and then say 3 to 6 months later would do it again (except this time I wouldn’t be trying to find him, knowing he was simply out of it somewhere). Each time I told him how unacceptable this was and I threw him out several times, letting him back eventually each time. I regret this now, I never should have allowed him back but I was in love with him and expecting a baby with a significant birth defect with all the worry that entailed, and I needed support. Each time it would be longer again til the next episode, which I guess allowed me to justify it when he was a great partner 90 odd percent of the time.
In the last 8 years he has definitely ‘improved’ but still has it in him to drink too much, go out with his friends and not come home, although it’s now about once a year (which obviously doesn’t make it right, just explaining the situation). He is fine in between and doesn’t drink to excess between, but I’m always aware it MIGHT be today the switch flips. I have no problem with him socialising with his friends, it’s the going missing and turning his phone off, with a partner and child at home, that I find unacceptable.
So why have I stayed? The good points…he is very hardworking at his job, lovely when sober, very open and more than fair with finances (we both work, he’s the higher earner), can be very kind (example, he does constant odd jobs and DIY for my disabled mum no questions asked), adores his son, good sense of humour, we enjoy the same type of food, films, and sports. He is also incredibly loyal to me, my son and his family and friends, in spite of all the going missing I have no concerns as to there being other women involved. I’ve never come across porn or anything like that and he is very considerate and respectful in bed. When we are good, we are great and I think I’ve held on because I desperately wanted to keep our family unit together.
I think that with what’s happened over the years, the resentment has built up where I deep down just don’t trust him to really be there for me when I need him, and I feel I’ve kind of built up a self-preservation ‘shield’ where I don’t quite ‘let him in’ if that makes sense because he’s let me down and hurt me so many times in the past. I’m always a little on edge for another episode. This resentment has built and built to the point where little things irritate me constantly for example, his poor table manners or messiness, and I’m inwardly screaming much of the time, and my attraction towards him has withered.
To make matters worse, I simply cannot cancel the wedding, it’s too close. Our parents have also contributed and this is money they would not get back. I also don’t know how I will justify breaking up my son’s family, he is very happy at home and moreover it would be a struggle to cope on a practical basis if we lived apart given our sons needs.
Don’t know what I’m asking really but thank you for listening, anyone who’s got this far.