A question of affairs

[backwardnames]

So H has accused me of having an affair on numerous occasions. The person I am meant to have had an affair with is someone I used to work closely with who, on the whole, has been a good friend. He has recently been through a difficult time and during this decided I was the love of his life. I told him I wasn't up for it and kept my distance, whigh hw has been respect full of. The other day (clearly very drunk) he sent me an email telling me what he thought of me. Having read the contents I realised that I couldn't keep working with him and decided to ask for a transfer at work. I sent him an email as well and said I would miss him and maybe one day when he sorts himself our we can be friends again (he is a good person but he has been ill). In response, I got an essay saying how wonderful I was. I was upset this evening because I will miss my department. Went our for drinks with friend and came home to find H trawling my computer. He confronted me. I told him the truth - I do have feelings for OM which is why I am transferring. I am trying to do the right thing even if I might be doing it a bit clumsily.

He didn't believe me and said he knew about affairs because he had one 20 years ago with a married woman and it was passionate, lasted 2 years (5 ywars beffort we met). This woman is now a close friend of his - she has always been weird with me and frequently has asked H for nights out at the theatre and dinner on his own. I have always been flexible about this because she is a good friend of his and I know she has has a difficult time. Who is the mug here (me or him)? I am feeling like he is applying a double standard (nor even that). I am currently feeling really cross.

Hmm, your emails should be self explanatory in showing you're not having an affair. If you're usually where you say you are etc and there are no other red flags why has H suspected you of an affair with the friend all along? Is it because your manner towards friend was exactly the same as his was towards his OW and he recognised it? Because it's now rather strange that you admit having feelings towards the friend. Did you spend time alone together often? In which case I would think H was actually pretty perceptive, and you could have been involved in an emotional affair, whether you recognised it ad such or not.
If the affair H had was before you met him, it's irrelevant to you, as long as he's not a repeat offender. But I certainly wouldn't be happy with him continuing to go on dates with this woman - I think he's taking you for a mug in this respect, as apparently neither of them can be trusted going on previous evidence.

Many people remain friends with exs. While i am not one of them i dont find it odd.

I find your post a bit odd. For the first half it seems you view the collegue as a friend and moving because of his feelings. Then you are admitting you do have feelings for him and thats the reason you are moving.

Sounds like the email had more in than 'i am nor going to leave dh/have an affair and am moving department.

Was it this friend you were out with having drinks?

He's trusting his gut and I can see why. The second half of your post sounds like you're itching for an affair with that bloke

I would normally think nothing of ppl staying friends with exs, but it's slightly different in this case because they were affair partners, so possibly more likely to rekindle something although married elsewhere. Done it once...

I understand exactly why your husband is upset. Did you tell him about the OM and the emails he'd sent you or did he only find out when he found them on the PC?

As for the old "friend" of his. You have every right to tell him you're not comfortable with their close friendship. Did you only find out about their intimacy recently?

He's still having an affair with his 'ex', now so called friend and projecting his guilt onto you.

Lots of contradictions and evidence of double standards in that post, I can make head nor tail of it

The biggest message I get from it though is that this is not a "relationship" that appears healthy nor remotely worth all the arsing about

I'm confused too. You start off by saying you're changing depts because this bloke at work has feelings for you, then you're telling your DH that you have feelings for the bloke. And you refer to him as the OM.

It does sound like you were having an emotional affair with this bloke at work.

It is not a good sign that you are both keeping secrets from each other

are you sure your h is faithful? this sounds more like guilty projection to me

You both sound like mugs if I'm perfectly honest.

He gets alone time with a woman he used to have relationship with and you get alone time with someone you have feelings for and someone who likes you back.

I'd imagine he's so paranoid because he knows he's got away in past with doing things without being caught so he knows full well it is possible it could happen to him.

Well done for getting a transfer though.

I used initials OM as I had no other suitable abbreviation that fitted. There is only one email I didn't show him because I was really embarrassed by it (it was so raw and I could see where it had come from - I hadn't spoken to him in two months and he was basically heartbroken apparently). I replied very matter of factly and showed it to DH. When I put the transfer in I was devastated because I love my department and I have done so well there. H read everything into that as being about guy and started looking through my emails for 'evidence'. I do have feelings for him - I have never allowed myself to explore them but when I put the transfer in I knew immediately they were there. Anyway, he is blocked now because whether DH is right / wrong about anything I can't be dragging 3rd parties into my mess. I haven't ever been alone with this guy except for the time he told me he really liked me and couldn't stop thinking about me. That was the point I told him I wouldn't get involved whilst I was married.

It feels so hypocritical given H is so anti affairs. He has been telling me that I am following a typical script for an affair (even though I have made it perfectly clear more than once to guy I don't do affairs).

He described his as the most passionate affair of his life and he was devastated when she ended it. She has been to our house and completely ignored me. Apparently because it was such a long time ago it is different.

I'm a little confused. The guy expressed feelings for you. You're pretty much saying you feel or felt something too and would explore those feelings if you weren't married.

It's clear why your husband is suspicious that something has gone on. That you had to leave the team, kind of shows you can't trust yourself to resist if the other guy pursued you harder.

So in the eyes of your husband, it's at least an emotional affair.

You did the right thing in transferring out, but the fact that you got close enough for the OM to pour his heart out, indicates perhaps without you even being aware... It was an EA.

Your husband probably knows how affairs can start up, based on his own in the past.

What does stand out, is that your DH would have been happy to carry on with his affair....if she never broke it off.

Are you happy with your dh and do you trust him? I wouldnt trust him at all, based on his actions now and in the past, but you have your instincts to go on. I'd ignore his accusations, he isnt ant-affairs at all, is he? That could easily just be his guilty conscience talking.