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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I just going through what everyone goes through in a relationship?

26 replies

Styleangel · 15/06/2017 19:02

I just feel unhappy 😔. My dad died earlier in the year which hasn't helped, so I'm still grieving. I've lived with my dp for nearly 2 years now with his 2 dcs and my own 2 dcs, we do have good times, but a year or so ago a lot happened, his dcs were complaining their washing wasn't done on time, the house was dirty etc. Oh and even though I thought we were getting on they didn't like me? I was quite upset and couldn't really understand it as we seemed to get on ok I thought . I do think their mum got a bit jealous when we moved in together and she did try to cause trouble and I think the dcs picked up on it. Anyway a year on and things have settled down, I never shout at them or discipline them I leave that to their father but I do feel like I run around after everyone, all 4 dcs, my dp and I run my own business too. I do all the cleaning, washing, cooking, look after a 5 bedroom house plus I make sure I'm around for school runs. My dp does work full time but not really long hours, I work with my therapy business around the dcs if I can but I just don't have the time to do everything. His dcs 11 and 13 still expect their clothes to be washed, ironed and put away, his youngest complains if things are put in the wrong draw! Well as mine 11 and 14 always have since quite young at least put their clothes away!

Then I have lived here for 2 years and although met quite a lot of people haven't really made any good friends. Dp has lived here all his life so he has a good group of friends, I do get on with some of the girlfriends/wives but not close. His friends are quite, well I don't know how to describe them but let's just say they don't really talk to me much, hello, goodbye really. One of them got really funny cos dp turned up with me at a football match once, and was quite rude a few times. He wants to have a BBQ soon but it will be all his friends and family as I have no one near by. I just feel a bit down by all this. Am I just being silly?

OP posts:
isitjustme2017 · 15/06/2017 21:26

Sorry but I think you need to put your foot down with his kids. Stop worrying about whether they like you and tell them to do their own washing if they're not happy. Does your DP not tell them off for talking to you like that. You're not an unpaid maid so tell them that!!!!
Stand up for yourself OP!!
I understand it must also be isolating not having your own friends/family near by. I've had this problem too. You just have to get yourself out there and meet/make your own friends. Don't rely on your husband. It must be hard if you run your own business so maybe you're not getting to meet people that way.
It doesn't sound like your DP supports you very well. I think you need to lay things on the line to him!

RandomMess · 15/06/2017 21:29

You need house rules....

All the DC need to learn some responsibility and independence (especially his)

Focus more an building your own business and less on doing all the housework etc he can do his share too!

keepingonrunning · 15/06/2017 22:55

There are at least 4 people in your home capable of doing household tasks. Don't let yourself be seen as Cinderella, you will earn more respect for being assertive.
Delegate and use tasks like preparing meals as team building, even social opportunities. It's healthy for the DC to share in doing the chores.

takeaweeseat · 15/06/2017 23:11

You need to toughen up with the kids. You don't need to shout, just be very firm and clear.. Or show them how the washing machine works.

SweetLuck · 15/06/2017 23:14

I would not be doing his kids laundry!

NC4now · 15/06/2017 23:14

How far did you move to be with him? I don't have many friends where I live and it gets me down. It's hard to make new friends when everyone's established.

Original poster
Styleangel · 15/06/2017 23:16

Well if my business gets busier, they are all going to have to pull their weight I can't do it all. It really annoys me when I make dinner sometimes from scratch my own sauces and they refuse to eat it as it's disgusting!!

OP posts:
takeaweeseat · 16/06/2017 00:56

Does your DH say anything to the kids when they're rude to you?

DirtyChaiLatte · 16/06/2017 01:04

Why are you doing all the work around the house? Shouldn't your DH be doing half of the household chores?

I would stop pandering to his children too. They'll continue to take advantage and give you shit if you continue to put up with it.

Mumblebeebee · 16/06/2017 01:18

I cook for everyone and do laundry. I do leave the piles of ironed laundry in the utility room and it's up to each member of the house to retrieve it and put it away.

I treat them all exactly the same.

I expect everyone to get the table laid for meals and I will call everyone through for dinner and not serve it until they've all set the table. I get a lot of groans, but if they want to eat what I've shopped, prepared and cooked they can help.

It's stopped them asking for glasses and condiments now. If they want it, they get up and get it.

They also clear their plates and stack them.
I find I can manage the rest quite easily. It was the putting away ironing and rushing to lay a table that was irritating me.

If I were you I'd decide which bits you don't want to do and set some house rules to apply to everyone. It can be done and it's easier with the support of your partner.
Good luck!

Original poster
Styleangel · 16/06/2017 08:37

Nc4 yeh it's hard when everyone has their established groups isn't it. I don't live far away from some of my other friends so I'm not totally alone, just be nice to have local friends.

I think I'm going to have to speak to dp about his dcs cos it's really getting me down.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 16/06/2017 08:42

Not just about his children about him. If he is expecting you to do it all and does nothing his children are just going to follow. Set chores for everyone (him included). One meal cooked you don't like it tough (and different people cook)

reetgood · 16/06/2017 08:46

'Complain their washing is not done on time'

How old are the kids? I'd say it's time for them to learn how a washing machine works....

Original poster
Styleangel · 16/06/2017 09:00

I know and I can't believe he didn't say that to them, he just said that was rubbish and if they wanted something doing in particular to give it to me, but their mum did have a lot to do with this too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Styleangel · 16/06/2017 09:03

They are 11 and 13 btw. It's not that my dcs are any better, if I did everything and didn't ask them to do their bit then would quite happily let me, that's kids just they're not mine so I find it hard to enforce rules whereas my own I will tell them.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/06/2017 09:09

Don't your own kids complain about the double standards ? Confused

SandyY2K · 16/06/2017 09:17

I think you and your DP need to be on the same page, as far as sharing household chores, then have a family meeting where tasks are allocated to the children.

It's a household and every one needs to muck in. My DB has an app he uses to get his DC to do chores. Some are paid chores and others need to be done to get their allowance. The DC do their chores and update the app.. All the family can see what chores have been done.

My DD ensures her uniform is washed and ironed and has done for the last two years. She's 14 now.

If they run you down everyone will have to do their own stuff anyway, so stand firm, because you aren't the unpaid house help or skivvy.

It's also reasonable that they start learning how to prepare basic meals.

reetgood · 16/06/2017 10:41

11 and 13? Yup, time for them to down their own laundry. Then they can make sure they have clothes available when they want them. I agree that your husband needs to step up, but I also think I'd be announcing a change of policy and that people are responsible for getting their own laundry done. Have a rota. Don't eat dinner? hard times. I'm detecting an undertow of disrespect here that is probably stemming from your partner. What's he doing whilst his kids are being rude about dinner? 11 and 13 also capable of making something to eat. I'm not often like this re kids but seriously, they can like it or lump it. Stop covering the gaps and make clear what the expectations for members of your family are re pulling their damn weight.

reetgood · 16/06/2017 10:45

Just to further add, i was happy to do chores that gave me independence like laundry, cooking. I think my parents cannily worked my 'do it myself' tendencies. I think I'd be framing routine change as people are all growing up, so time to start having things you are responsible for (key benefit - you get to decide when laundry is done, what dinner will be one night a week etc).

Original poster
Styleangel · 16/06/2017 11:02

Thanks for the advice, it's a small thing but it all builds up! One of his dcs is particularly fussy about her food, and even if u ask her what she wants she will still not eat it cos it tastes funny, what would you do would u make her something else or just say tough but then she just eats loads of chocolate and biscuits? Once she threw her dinner down and went upstairs and refused to come down. Dp did stand up to her then though and another time she refused to come down at all for dinner and started to say she wanted to live with her mum and her mum came and got her, just because we wanted her to come down for dinner 😳. Dp didn't say anything as he was upset she then wanted to go to her mums! Once she didn't eat dinner that I made, no surprise so dp said do want some of the frankfurters that are left she said yes so I heated them up, but them on the table she then ran upstairs and shouted she didn't want them anymore. Dp laughed , I flipped that night but dp didn't get why I was so cross! What would u do with this fussy child? My dd is quite fussy and sometimes we have dinner that she doesn't like so she doesn't eat it all but she doesn't complain but later on she may make herself something to eat. Surely that's how it should be but then that's what I've brought her up to do, I don't really pander to her. My ds is pretty easy with what he eats so I don't really have a problem, I just don't know how to handle dsd

OP posts:
livefornaps · 16/06/2017 11:13

Leave them their clothes to put away (or not)

Leave them their dinner to eat (or not)

Don't react to any of it. Here's your clothes, here's dinner. End of conversation. If they blow up in your face , don't enter into discussion, just walk away! If they don't come down for dinner: leave them. Their dad can say something later. Don't pass comment. Do not try to persuade them. They just have to see that this this the way things are going to be and that's that. You can't go changing the goalposts every time for them. It's easy to say "brats!" but kids will go as far as they think they can in order to get a reaction. Just ignore! Do not let it upset you. If they want to eat, they can come down and eat. Then be lovely to them, obviously. If they don't, just detach. Eat your own dinner, talk to whoever is there, then get the kids to clear the table while you have a cup of tea.

Most importantly - tell your partner this is what you are doing & that he should back you up. You can't keep running round after everyone like this & wringing your hands every time the kids complain, you will make yourself ill.

LesisMiserable · 16/06/2017 12:09

So hard for kids in blended families...What must it be like to deal with all the emotions of two homes and two lives, I cant imagine it 😢

Original poster
Styleangel · 16/06/2017 13:21

Yes it is hard for the kids lesis, but it's also hard for the parents and certain things you just can't put up with because it's hard for them

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 17/06/2017 18:54

If his DD doesn't want to eat what you cook, then tough. She can make a sandwich or not eat.

Especially when you cook what she likes and she still doesn't want it.
I think the problem is pandering to step children.

With my kids, if they didn't want what I prepared, then they could get their own food. I am quick to tell them, millions of people in the world are starving. When they're hungry enough, they'll find food

I also told them, the house is not world buffet, with a selection of every meal going. I really can't deal with fussy children.

Bottom line is... Everyone in the house muse step up and do their share.

Why aren't they living with their mother if they keep complaining?

I'd also add, that if your children, see you pandering to this fussiness, they will become resentful and you may be unaware why this is.

Columbine1 · 17/06/2017 19:14

Is yr DP scared they'll go live with their mother if he doesn't concede to their every whim? I can understand that in a way but its very poor parenting! She's probably acting out some of her feelings re her parents divorcing... He needs to talk to her. Really talk

Meanwhile how did it happen that you do all the domestic stuff? How did they manage before you came?! He's setting a very bad example