Have I got it wrong?

[goodguy73]

Thought I should post here and get a womans perspective. As per username, I'm a guy and I like to think of myself as one of the good guys. I cook dinner most nights and help around the house as well as doing my fair share and more with our two kids. I have not been the greatest communicator of emotions and feeling, but my fathers death made me change my ways. I do show my wife love and affection and try and do nice things for her.

Feeling really rubbish at the moment, not mood wise but thoughts wise. A bit of background.

My father was really ill for 2 years in hospital and towards the end they found cancer which finished him off. During his stay in hospital, myself, my wife and my family carried out daily visits and the emotional toll of that and the tiredness affected the relationship between myself and my wife. My father passed away in January this year and we are all still feeling the effects. May father used to live with us and we all loved him dearly. He was a special person.

Our family is at breaking point with squabllles and my married life has taken a beating. Just after my father died, a month maybe, my wife and I had pretty strained relations. This was when I noticed that she became friends on Facebook with a couple of guys from her hometown. One guy I had heard of , the other i did not. They were exchanging messages in private and I became a little suspicious. I then did something which I'm not terribly proud of, I had a look through her messages and whilst there was nothing to be immediately worried about, there was talk of reliving their youth and meeting up when she was next in the hometown. A check a couple of days later showed she had deleted some of those messages. A couple of weeks later she had planned to go to her hometown for a few nights on her own. I started to panic that she was planning something. I made it difficult for her to go and she relented.

I did not say anything about the messages or my suspicions to her as I thought I was being insecure. This changed from day to day , sometimes I would forget about it and other times It kept me up at night. I love my wife dearly and she is really everything I want but no one is perfect and she has her flaws as do I. She has never given me reason to beleive that she has cheated or will cheat,but I can't get that thought out of my head.

Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago when talking to someone who knew her years ago, I asked who my wife was seeing before I came along as she never discussed it with me. The someone unprompted told me , yes she was seeing the facebook friend for a couple of years prior to me.

My heart sank, I felt sick . I confronted her and told her everything and she insists that thye were just old friends from college and he was fond of her but never went anywhere. Part of me wants to beleive her but the other part questions why she woud delete messages and not show up on any of his posts involving his family or wife. He had a birthdday recently and rather than posting on his wall, she sent him a message. This all may not be anything, but I dont think I'm being that irrational. Yes I have been feeling very alone and numb since my father died and maybe i was insecure and his loss has maybe magnified it, but I think any husband would feel what i'm feeling?

After the confrontiation, she suggested I speak to someone to get help. I agreed but deep inside, I'm thinking this was the perfect deflection on her part.

I spoke with IAPT and have an appointment coming up with a counsellor which I'm hoping will help me figure out my head.

Just wanted to put this out there and get your thoughs on this.

Thanks

Don't jump to conclusions that could destroy your relationship. You have both been through a very emotional time.

You are making the right decision in seeing a counselor.

By the way, several years ago I recontacted my first boyfriend (who I was with from 15 to when I left for uni) via Friends Reunited, and we met up, with my OH present. Old flame was fat, balding and boring!! Lucky escape there!

Thank you Blossomdeary.
I agree we have both been through an emotional roller coaster.

I have no intention of letting go of her,I'm going to fight for her all the way.

Unlucky with your old flame :) I have competition though !

So an update,

Went ot see counselor and she agreed that we should have an open and frank conversation about the whole situation.

We did this a few nights ago and i told her that the only way we can move forward is by being completely open, honest and truthful about the situation so we can both understand why this happened, address it and move on.

I asked her numerous times, were you seeing this guy in the past? I explained that if she was , it was in the past and there's nothing that can change that, but if he is sniffing around now, then I have an issue with it especially since you planned a meet up.

She denied seeing him but admiited that he liked her and she liked him.

I asked her why she then deleted the FB messages and wishing him Happy birthday in private and not liking any posts involving his family etc. Her excuse was that she wanted to know how to delete FB messages so she deleted those ones. She could not explain why she did not like his family posts etc. She told me that she wished him happy birthday in private because she did not want it visible on any stream yet she wishes other people publically.

Im no columbo but all the above doesnt sound right.

I have no problem if he was just an old friend but it certainly appears she was trying to hide this from me.

I have an issue if he was her ex and they were planning to meet up.

She denies that she was with him or seeing him but says she was glad for the attention whilst our marriage was strained. I understand that but I still want her to just tell me openly exactly what the situation was. The counsellor beleives that if left unchallenged, It will create trust issues and things will only get worse.

How do I get her to tell me all?

Firstly OP, I have first hand experience of what illness and grief can do. I separated from my ex recently and unfortunately our problems came to a head while his Dad was terminally ill, he then passed away a few weeks after we separated.
Thankfully you clearly want to fight for your wife and that is great.
Is this bloke she has been contacting married? I wondered if that was why she wished him happy birthday privately - in case she thought his wife might not like it.
Just because she is being a bit evasive about all this, doesn't mean anything. I understand why you are suspicious though and you feel she is not being 100% honest.
Sometimes we do get curious about people from our past. Maybe that is all this is. There is a good chance she is being cagey because she knows you won't like her privately messaging an ex - that doesn't mean she intending doing anything.
You can't force her to tell you anything though. If she is adamant they were never together, you have to decide whether to accept that and move on.

[may be harsh:]
My guess: She was indulging in an escapist fantasy while her home life was a bit shit. Indeed she has admitted this.
I think pushing her to confess to something she didn't actually do, and probably only barely tentatively dreamed of doing, is not going to end well.
You've asked her to be honest, you've heard her response. Saying you don't believe what she says isn't going to help mend your relationship.
I guess she's also cross that you snooped her private messages and embarrassed that you 'caught' her.

I think you might have to regain a bit of her trust and love too, by believing her, showing you value her and not nagging away until she snaps and tells you what you seem desperate to hear, that something DID happen, giving you an excuse to take the moral high ground and be furious with her.

(FWIW I don't post on people's walls either.)

(NB if she is not willing to disclose the exact history of her past relationship with the man in question, she doesn't have to.
Maybe they were friends and got together under embarrassing circumstances, maybe he cheated on a then-girlfriend with her, maybe she worries you will over-react - there are all sorts of reasons why she might not feel comfortable dissecting EXACTLY what happened. She has already admitted that they both liked each other, so I'm not sure its reasonable to push for more.)

Whatsmyname 2017- Thanks for your reply.

Sorry to hear what happened to you, I do want to fight for her because I love her very much and she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I tell her this too.
The guy is married and if his wife doesnt like it, nor do I. I agree that she knew I would not have liked it so being cagey.

I just want honesty, I'm sure thats not too much to ask for?

Soreenloaf - Thanks for posting here. I hear you but when asked to be honest if that person is not being honest, how does that bode for the future?

Mrs Badger - Thank you. They liked each other and he was trying to set up a meet with her in private. I'm uncomfortable with that and from what I have heard he was a very controlling individual . I'm naturally going to want to protect my marriage.

Do you know if it was the ex who instigated the contact? I once found messages on my ex's Facebook (quite by chance as we shared a laptop). He had been contacted by an ex and they had sent several messages back and forward. I wasn't happy but there was nothing in it and they merely seemed to be finding out what each other had been up to.
Had they been arranging to meet, I would not have liked this one bit.
The bottom line is, they didn't meet up and nothing has happened. Whether she intended to do anything, you may never know this. Torturing yourself about what 'might' have happened is doing no-one any good.
My advice would be to drop this now and move on. Your wife now knows your feelings on this so she will hopefully now leave well alone.

They liked each other, he tried to set up a meeting, she didn't go. She's confessed and stopped messaging him. You're both trying to get your relationship back on a stable footing. What exactly do you want from her in addition to this? If you're hoping for soul-baring weeping confessions not everybody goes in for that.
Equally she may be trying to avoid letting out bitterness that has been brewing over 'her family being at breaking point and her married life taking a beating'.

(re your question to Soreen, what is she not being honest about? Her past relationship with him? that you think you've caught her in a lie by her friend saying 'they were seeing each other at college?)

You say yourself she's never given you reason to believe she has cheated or will cheat. Go with that.

(NB In the nicest possible way I hope you also tell her that she is an amazing person in her own right, and that you want her to be happy and fulfilled in your marriage, not just that YOU love her and she's the best thing that has happened to YOU.)

If I were you, I'd be acknowledging that things aren't great atm, you miss how things were, and discussing what changes you can both make to get your marriage back on track.

You can try to dig through the past or you can try to move forwards.

You seem to be far more concerned about this other man than about her. Is it really your marriage you want to save or your ego?

You are starting to obsess about this tiny detail about what she did before she met you. You are losing sight of they big picture.

She does most of the housework and parenting of your two children. Is she a good mother ? I'm guessing so as you seem to have no complaints about that.

She allowed you to move your father into her home. That's a really big deal, lots of women ( and men ) would never do that.

She visited your father daily in hospital while he was dying. Again that's a big deal. Very few people do that for their in laws.

She has supported you through all this. You say you want to make it work. If that's true, you need to accept what she is telling you and let it go, unless you have any real reason to suspect she is cheating on you.

And if you can let it go, I agree you need to speak to a counsellor about it. Grief can affect people in strange ways and there's no shame in getting help.

Stop going on about if he's an ex or not, that's the absolute least of your worries, it's completely irrelevant and is taking your focus away from more important aspects. She was private messaging someone, arranged to meet them and was going to go away alone for a few days in order to do that! That's planning to cheat. Deleting the messages is a massive red flag, and she can't even be honest about that. Therapy is great but only if you both are honest and have the same goal.

Also why are you "helping" around the house rather than doing half of the housework? It sounds like you think the housework is her job and if you do a little bit you're doing her a favour, whereas in reality that would make you a lazy shirker and unappreciative at that. Do your fair share in the house.

She was private messaging someone, arranged to meet them and was going to go away alone for a few days in order to do that! That's planning to cheat.
Is it? She didn't hide the visit as far as I can see.